- What a Month; or Two ...

 - It goes without saying that I'm feeling more than a little guilty. I've been less than consistent with this blog of late, and there really is no excuse. I can tell you that Sara quit her job, and the obvious reason would be the M.S. creeping into her right eye. The reason she won't tell you is the "Phsycho, Controlling, Skank, Wackjob", who's waiting at that store to say; "I told you so "! Sad how some peoples lives are so pathetic that they have nothing better to do than convince themselves that they matter in yours. No, Sue, she didn't get sick because she came back to me. I never gave her a reason to leave; you did. I was here; with loving, open arms. Waiting, to welcome her back after you left her used and completely devastated. Is that what friendship is? Now we rebuild all that you so willingly destroyed! Stress remains the number one killer for our hero, and she continues to win. I have so much more to catch you all up on and I absolutely will. I have some great ideas, and yes I've been using Lisa's note book to keep my thoughts fresh. 

 - A lot has happened since June, my lovelies. It was very hard to say goodbye to Ern. His children gifted me with an Anniversary Medallion, they found in his suit jacket. No doubt there since the very night he received it! I felt very blessed to say the very least. Many financial struggles as well. Sterling has announced; quite possibly, the biggest lay-off to ever hit this area. I'm humbled and saddened at the same time, as many of my peers and colleagues will be affected by this, yet my injury with WSIB sees me unaffected. Quite literally, the morning after I was to find out about this cut back of hires through to January of 1995, my WSIB adjudicator called to inform me my Labour Market Re-entry training had been approved. I will attend a year of upgrading and some accredited course work, and hope to enter King's University College at the University of Western Ontario. The goal is The Professional Social Work (Honors) Program. This plan is approved through 2013. What a blessing! I pray I'm worthy & capable. I believe God will never provide more than I can handle in one day.

 - Well, I'll wrap it up here, and leave you with assurances that there is more consistency coming ...     

 - We Will See You Soon; 

- Love, S.

- Fishin's Good at Pt. Bruce ...

- I find myself in mind of fish, one of God's many fascinating creatures, isn't it !? I thought of how, for example, the Minnow may swim happily along; oblivious to the school of feeding Perch ahead. Merrily on it's way feeding of it's own, or maybe just innocently ignorant of the true danger ahead. Maybe sheepishly following the school it finds itself in, ignoring the nagging instinct to turn away. However the circumstance arises; we are all obviously aware that the moment arrives when it misses it's opportunity to flee, and in that very second the Perch will inevitably feed. Now, be it by lucky happenstance or sheer numbers, it's critical that we recognize how many don't become lunch. Have they learned from the unfortunate demise of their friend? Has the school of Perch learned that this is the very place to wait, that this is the best place to find foolish Minnows? Any way we approach it; nature teaches the same lesson every moment of every day. Once a mistake becomes a lesson learned, it is no longer a negative experience. The other Minnows have learned to be wary in that very moment. How many have escaped at their tiny friends expense? The Perch have learned where to find a meal, and will probably try their luck at this spot again. How many locust have foolishly tried to cross a river of fire ants, how many antelope have foolishly wandered from their mother's side? How many humans have foolishly left food out in the open, at a campsite?

- Time and time again, we can see throughout nature, how simple lapses in a moments' judgement can lead to the ultimate tragedy. Who could have predicted the horror endured by Leslie Mahaffey. Would any other parent even consider locking their daughter out after hearing this story? Who could ever leave their children out for such monsters to feed on? Once again, a tragic mistake is transformed into a lesson learned; in this case, an entire nation takes notice, and grieves with a family destroyed.

- I said goodbye to one of my nearest and dearest friends this weekend. I was lucky enough to be somewhat included in the process. While I could never imagine putting myself into the midst of a families grief, I was humbled and a little surprised at how welcoming they were, to an otherwise, complete stranger. To know this man, was to know a "True French Canadian". He was at home in front of a hockey game, with a fishing pole, in front of a stove, or with a toddler on his lap, and yes he happily fed our boys far too much candy. I often wonder if my own father didn't love me correctly, or if I wasn't open enough to receive the love he had to offer. It is from "Ern", I learned this. These men grew up in a different time with different moral values, there were far more gritty, dirty, tough guy pressures put on them then I could ever imagine. What it meant to "be a man", in their time is a world, and a lifetime distant from what that very statement means today. They offered love, guidance and direction in the only way they new how, and huggy, lovey, kissy, touchy meant you were alone with a warm feminine partner. That time in history, was all about "Men don't cry", and stay in the closet where you belong. They had no inkling as to the possibility of an open, loving accepting society like that which we are working to develop today. That entire concept is as foreign to that generation, as an honest politician is to ours! It is only those of us who find ourselves willing to put aside our hurts and angry feelings, that will benefit from the love that is offered, however it comes. I found myself thinking, if I'm starving, and someone offers me a sandwich, do I complain about the bread? If I'm ravaged by thirst, and someone offers me water, do I complain about the brand? It is those of us that can find gratitude for opportunity alone, that will survive. We will grow and learn. We will find ourselves evolving, and benefiting others.

- I realized how broken my own family finds itself, and then I looked up from my own thoughts. It was here that my eyes fell to Sue & Betty. I think I would be remiss if I were to suggest that these relationships were all lovey and rosy. There is obvious, palpable tension there, and yet at that moment angry thoughts, hurt feelings, bitter opinions were all gone. Two people, hurting for the very same loss, aching for the same man, became united in their grief and fell to the very human act of comforting one another. If you've read here, you know the struggles we've endured as a family of late; and we've endured, we are still very much a family. Here I can offer an answer as to why ...

- Reg Gaudette & Ernie Ranger will probably not be remembered by history as great contributors to society, they didn't; after all, research cures for devastating disease. There were no huge monetary donations to charity, nor were they responsible for earth shattering discovery. I'm not belittling here I'm simply pointing out societies standard for contribution. This is the unfortunate state of the world, in which we live. While I won't take this opportunity to break any one's anonymity, I would point out here that the only monument to Bill Wilson is a small stone tablet found in East Dorset Cemetery. These men were willing to sit around a closed table and share their experience, strength, and hope. With a fishing pole in hand, they talked about the mistakes they had made. Standing over a stove, they shared their own hurts and offered direction, toward a path few travel. These are the real contributors. It is through their efforts that I'm able to share with you today that my marriage, and my family endure. Our Lady of the Lake, and Elmdale Memorial Park, will both have small stone tablets, yet the true memorial to these lives lived will be carried by me and others like me. Much like the Minnows that lived, or the Antelope that learned from it's brothers tragic mistake; we will take what was so unselfishly offered and benefit from it. It is love that's been given freely, maybe not in the way we wanted it, definitely not the kind of love we wanted, but it is love. To benefit another, if only from your own mistakes made, is to offer a lesson learned. Allowing another to improve at your expense is a noble thing, indeed. Today, I escaped the Perch, I evaded the Lion's grasp, I sit here, in a loving marriage, my family intact. The men I can thank are many, and I said goodbye to one of the most important ...

- Love, S.

- Her Flowers ...

I look at you and think of Lilies, of Orchids growing wild and unfettered. I think of how strong and colourful, these flowers are, and pause ...

I look at you and remember the smells, of Lilies and Orchids in our home; was it the first time I brought you flowers? My senses stir ...

I think of you and consider the Lily and the Orchid, the strong aroma that filled our bedroom not so long ago; suddenly aroused, I smile ...

I think of you and wonder of Lilies and Orchids, how fragile and delicate are the leaves; colourful and still precious each individual flower by itself ...

How many varieties; how many scents, combine to make a bouquet? To fill our home with each would take nothing less than a lifetime ...

How long it's taken to arrive here, to this very moment where I find myself, committed, desirous of the task at hand ...

I look at you and pray, for the knowledge of these Lilies and Orchids, their meaning; both strong and fragile; their beauty and variety, still together ...

I think of you and pray, my senses filled with the fragrance, Lilies and Orchids; aroused, I hope to bring them all to you, to fill your life with their colours, their beauty, their variety, I pray ...

- A Moment; just for you ...

- I bet you never really listened to this one. You know how you take apart the lyrics of every song you hear? I wonder if you've ever done that with this song. I know you'd have to change the perspective, as if it were coming from you and not "Justin", but just the same; have you ever heard this one? I did; for the first time, today. I'm certain you are aware, that I crumbled.

- I think the release date on this album, was Sept. Oct. / 06. I wanted it for reasons we've already discussed, ((what goes around ... )) and here we are. It has seen us through the worst period,of our marriage, and has carried us all the way to the healing. Way cool album.

- I have to tell you how deeply this affected me today. It literally left me devastated, my heart has been ripped from my chest, and yet all I can think of is you, sharing it with you, healing it with you, holding you and tasting the heat from the back of your neck, burying my nose into the top of your head as you lay on my chest.

- I'll wait, for your new song, anticipate your artwork. I'm so happy you've taken the brush from my hand and begun to paint this newest of pieces on your own. I have to say that it hurts, deeply, painfully, it is all encompassing, and relentless. With you though I can see tomorrow, and I wait, with forgiveness unspoken; a given, always for you.

- I Love You, Love, S.

- An age old Concept; Simplified ...

- I fell into the concept "Love First"; most powerfully during the happenings surrounding our marriage, in recent months. It really is an idea I've felt deeply for many years. I find it almost laughable that it takes these painful times to forge these random ideas into a belief system that is both undeniable, & perfect in it's base.

- "Love First" started out as a way to teach the boys that there is importance in separating the actions of a person from the person themselves. While demonstrating this concept I began to see the value in simplifying it in myself. I'm not so naive that I don't realize how many times in my own lifetime; I've undoubtedly, benefit ted from this very idea. I'm certain that there have; and will continue to be, times when I will need others to embrace this concept for my well being.

-It is quite simply, the age old teaching that a person is not necessarily defined by his or her actions, but more importantly the life lessons learned from them. A belief that someone is always entitled to the benefit of the doubt. From here it becomes rather selfish; in that, by deciding to be the one who loves first; I become the individual who can rest assured in the knowledge I've done all I can to be of some benefit. It can become complex to those who choose to complicate the idea. Yet, for those of us with an honest desire to be caring toward others, it is both simple and beautiful in it's design.

- I willingly accept that life is full of hurts, I know that pain is inevitable, yet suffering is optional. With this knowledge in hand I can move forward, choosing to be the "First Person in Line to Love". Those in my life most in need will be obvious. Those opportunities will always present themselves. I can also, look at this from an entirely different; and equally positive view point. Knowing that problems will occur, and painful things are unavoidable, I can approach each opportunity with the idea that I will be the first individual to "Provide Love". I can willingly move forward knowing that the world we live in is full of those who pass judgement. There will always be those who look down on others. There will always be those; unforgiving, judgemental, spiteful, and bitter people who choose to look down upon others; while sitting in full denial of their own shortcomings. This is undeniable, but I've no desire to be party to it. I can accept hurt and painful happenings, knowing that "I choose to provide Love First". With love, healing can take place. "Loving First", allows us to physically show that we are willing to accept someones humanness. It demonstrates that we choose not to judge, but accept someone as fallible, and provide their fallibility with a soft place to land.

- "Love First" is by no means an new concept, it is quite the opposite. Simply, It is a collection of age old beliefs whittled down to a very simplified idea. It means, I'm the "First" in line to provide for an obvious need. I get to have the feeling of being the one who was there, "First". It means being alive in the moment, aware of the need, "First". It also means that when the inevitable, unavoidable, process of life is happening; and it's obvious hurts start to creep in; we are there to provide "Love First". Before any judgements, any questions, before any anger, or fear sets in; we provide Love. We demonstrate in a very tangible way that we know and accept life's painful process, yet we choose to Love, in spite of it all.

- In this environment, Fallibility is a given, it's expected, and all of life's mistakes become fallacies. They are replaced by lessons learned. All the while, the sense of being loved, and having real security permeates everything. Families are held together because they want to be together. After all, where else would you want to be? I've learned the importance of allowing someone to be human, love given unconditionally, may not always be returned, but when it is ...

- It is, most powerful, most precious, and the bonds formed are quite simply; beyond description ...

Love, S.

- Get That Into Ya ...

- I pray you'll all forgive me this brief indulgence. I never imagined a time when I would use this venue as a place to vent yet, I feel drawn to this opportunity. You see, I've recently found myself in a very unexpected situation. The one person who has lied to me more than anyone in history, who has danced on my heart like a dog rolling on a dead bird, has come out and inundated me with more truth than I could have ever expected. Love means that I can offer this person the same soft landing pad that was offered to me all those years ago, and expect that hurt and difficulty will come with the territory.

- Yes my pretties, the old standard holds true, anything worth having Never comes easy. For any person to say that "what I had was never like work"; well That person is full of SH*T. Yes, I've been told that their is another who wanted to comment on my thoughts here. This person just never had the coins to do it; let alone the Grown Up ability to say anything to my face. Those who know, will understand that I have never closed a door without opening a window. I am; a most open, willing, understanding person. I'm not bragging because I can back it up. I will submit the events of my marriage recently. If you've actually read anything here you'd understand that I simply submit my thoughts and ideas, I welcome criticism, if only for the opportunity to learn myself. I will never lie to you, yet if the "Thirty -Plus" incoming phone calls per month are not proof of your lies ("I never use her phone..."); than what else is?

- Marriage is not perfect, there is no such thing. If we are to believe even half of the BULLSH*T, you spew out of your mouth, than I'd like an autograph Cinderella, cause I had no idea that Prince Charming truly existed. Hey, by the by; I guess you didn't live Happily Ever After did ya ? Guess what, I can walk away from the computer to spend time with my kids. I watched my life fall apart and still gave every available MOMENT to my kids. They've never guessed where I am because They Know. You complain about your situation, and fail to realize that bad things happen to good people everyday! You choose to boo-hoo. Thousands of people pick themselves up from far worse scenarios. Thousands of single parents, create play days, plan day trips, and have imaginations that allow them to be active members of their children's lives. Help a kid with homework, or plan a date with a complete stranger? Your choice.

- After years of lies, hurt, dishonesty, and deception; (-that you encouraged and took an active part in!) I Returned Understanding, Love, and Forgiveness. You pass judgement on Me? HA! Look In The Mirror at what you've become. If nothing else, we have love, we have each other, we have a family and we have the desire to make a better life for ourselves. Oh Yeah, neither of us is going to bed with rubber tonight, we'll be sleeping beside a very real, very warm, very human SPOUSE; our marriage very much intact, NO THANKS TO YOU REQUIRED.

- Do you know what the most important part of this whole event for me has been? I'll tell ya! As I look back; I can see my own part in it all. I could sit here now and itemize every dirty detail. I have phone records, e-mails, pics, and chat names. I have more on everyone involved than I even care to go into. The point is this, I NEVER called anyone out on anything! I had more opportunities than I knew what to do with. Opportunities to throw a phone bill in your face and call you a liar, showing you the thirty-plus incoming phone calls a month; and I never did it. I chose to look at myself instead, and how I could improve. How I could be a better husband, a better father, a better friend. I'm not just talking about my own home life either, I'm talking about you, while you were lying to my face, and butchering my name to anyone who would listen; I was trying to find a way to be a better friend, To You. I invited you to share New Years Eve, Invited my Best Friend to provide companionship for you. Always putting you first, for all the right reasons. I've done this, and will continue to be the best I can, all the while you cannot possibly come up with one valid thing I have done to you that would cause you to treat me the way you have. I Have Done Nothing Wrong! I can list all of the things I need to work on, ways to better myself, for my wife, for our children, for my friends; and they are all things I've already admitted to. These things, get better everyday. What can you admit to? You never would, you have no opinion, because you refuse to accept anyone else's. You've never "Given Me The Time of Day"; you judge and condemn anyone who challenges your own train of thought, because you just might have to look at the train wreck you've created.

- The events you've endured are just that, Events. How we, as adults, overcome these happenings in our lives defines us as people, and will ultimately define the opinion our children will form of us, as parents. You can't even be a presence in their lives, as much as you are present in the lives of complete strangers. How do you think that makes them feel? To know, each night, that your pursuits on-line are far more a priority for you than, the events in their lives. Guess What, "they are not O.K.", they won't be "O.K." The next time you want someone to believe that "The Kids Will Be Fine", maybe you should look at what's happening in your own life. Comment, call me "Full of Sh*T", what others have found and maybe you will one day is that I'm not afraid. I welcome your opinions; for whatever they are worth. Maybe I'll dismiss them, maybe I'll be better for them. I'm open to it all. The biggest reason ... I'm Not Afraid of the Truth, therefore I'm Not Afraid to be Wrong. Truth, that may be a new concept for you. You only have to tell it once, embarrassing as it may be. You'll have the respect of yourself and others for your ability to embrace it. Apologies to you all, this needed to be done, if for no other reason but my own sanity. Thanks, Love, S.

- Behind the camera's shutter ...

- I'm apologizing, yet again, for my inconsistency. I am trying to post more often, and the ideas are there. Today I write on an idea I've been percolating for three days.

- Have you ever sat and pondered the idea of what's on the other side of the camera's shutter? I've attempted to attach an image that's depicts, in some way, my thought or the heart of the piece I've written. Most recently I've committed to using only Sara's work. I love her eye and have always wanted to find a way to connect her passions to mine. This venue has proved a perfect way to do just that. This past weekend; her eye proved to be the inspiration, yet again.


- Have you ever given pause to consider, what's on the other side of the camera's shutter? In this picture we see The American Falls as seen from the Canadian Side, The Bridal Veil Falls are just to the right. Probably not the most breath taking shot ever taken, but undoubtedly one of the best Sara & I have yet to shoot of the falls. The real beauty for me was being able to capture the early part of the melt, with snow still on the rocks and ice still clogging up in the lagoon area. I wonder how many are curious as to what's not being seen, the happenings behind the shutter. The other tourists hurrying to get to their lunch dates, some wondering aimlessly, awestruck by the power of the place. Locals, frustrated by traffic and aimlessly wondering tourists. None of these are in the shot, yet they were all there. I can attest to it; I was there, in the moment, seeing it all. This moment in time; frozen by the camera's shutter, is still very fresh in my minds eye. Who might believe that in the hour it took for the falls to dump their 2.5 billion gallons of water; a miracle took place. Like that number isn't mind boggling enough, a life, a marriage, a family were all being saved. It was happening, I was there to witness all the goings on, just behind the camera's shutter.
- We hear about drug addiction, the dangers of tobacco, frivolous sex, alcoholism, the evil things going on, on the internet. We hear about all of these; and how families are being ripped apart. The degradation of the family core, and divorce. How one in every (blah,blah,blah) marriages end in divorce, and cheating spouses, and pornography; we are quite literally inundated with non-stop horror and fear about all the evil out there and why we should guard against it. How often do you hear about the families that have weathered the storms and are still holding on. How many stories do you hear about a husband and wife circling the wagons and fighting to the bitter end for their marriage and family.
- Well there it is ... as you look at the American, and Bridal Veil Falls, click on the image and get a good sense of it. Then pause ... now think about the eyes that were looking through the view finder. The lives being lived in that moment. Give pause to the struggles, and victories, and all of the tourists milling about. This is not a story about family, as much as it is a story that honours friendship. There were no siblings, rushing to the rescue, no parents sharing the benefit of their wisdom and providing intelligent , specific direction. As a family fell apart, and lives were left devastated and in ruin. Friends, showed up. People known for nine or ten years, people known for five or six months. These were not life long family members, they were friends, who truly loved and showed genuine concern. When money, family, children were real questions and concerns; these friends, removed those obstacles and gave a marriage room. They nurtured, cared and doted upon a broken couple; simply when they saw a need. No Questions Asked. Miracles do happen, they even have names; like Gerry, Mike, Rhodesy, Adam. There will always be those that judge first, repay honesty with anger and bitterness. Still, those that bend a knee, and humbly submit a request, to a power greater than themselves are the true warriors. These are the fighters, I stand beside. I need no family blood line with brothers like these. There have been men, many powerful and brave examples to read about and study throughout the ages, and yet right behind that camera shutter, you can miss the the heroes making history right now. While your eyes move across the image being focused on, the true story goes untold.
- There are warriors, fighting for families, they barely know, making miracles happen; it's going on everyday, right behind the camera's shutter. I Know, I've lived it, I was there ...
- I'll sleep, in my home tonight, with my wife, and children, and family intact, Oh we'll be a statistic, just not the ones you'll read about, they don't tell you all the success stories ...
- I'll try to ... Love, S.

- A house is not a home ...

- how many of us need a little piece of the planet to call home; and really, nothing more? Let's face it, who sets out to take the globe by storm with an operating system that ends up, quite literally lording over us. Not many people would make life's pursuit the accumulation of wealth beyond description let alone, beyond imagination. Honestly; most of us are happy, just to have our health and a little security in our lives. We set out to raise a family, do the best we can, and hope to wake up without an unexplained cough in the morning! Select few are those who seek riches, wealth, power and success outside most of our grasp; and fewer still, those who attain, and possess it for any length of time. Those who read this; and have the where-with-all to be honest, to a fault, with themselves would be willing to accept a very basic truth. Money, power, fame, and possessions mean nothing without love. With love, comes real security. Where there is real, non-judgemental, absolute, un-assuming, complete and perfect love, there is no need of anything else. Everything else becomes meaningless, beneath the perfect love you posses. Mistakes become opportunities to learn, hurts become wounds that require tending, laughter becomes memories to be cherished, joy becomes a picture to be scrap-booked. Money can buy none of these things. Where there is love; forgiveness becomes the entire reason you are present. You can accept and believe that you are the one to offer it as a glass of cool water to a thirsty neighbour. When love is the reason, every moment is yet another opportunity; we look past the damage done, toward the healing that needs to begin. We accept the pain as an inevitability, a part of the process to acheive the end goal. Life can be painful; true un-conditional love, Can Be Perfect, and conquers all.

- The birds, from our backyard, may return to call their little house "home" again this spring, but come fall, they'll head out again. The walls of a building can crumble and fall. Money, and possessions can be gained and lost. The love of another, can be thrown away. Those who find it and cherish it are truly rich, because it is these very people who have come to know true value in life's pursuits. We can chase pots of gold at the end of rainbows our entire lives, hoping for the fantastic fairy tale ending, only to be able to say "see I told you so", ((or to ourselves)), "I proved them wrong". None of this is reality. The reality is, the hearts broken along the way, the respect we lose in our pursuits. The self loathing, and self hatred, we endure. We become so convinced of our wants, that the path we set out for our own happiness leaves a wasteland of broken relationships along the way. We lie ourselves into believing so many outlandish justifications, that we forget who we are, and become convinced that it's pointless to come back to our senses anyway. We lose our way home, because we often, can't see our way back, we've obscured our own view with the wreckage left, in the wake of our self made disaster.



- how many fail to see that home, is most often, the one out stretched hand you've been pushing away all along? How many have burned that bridge, and now find themselves alone, it's too far gone? I don't believe it happens that often. I feel that most of those, who feel alone are there by choice. Usually an outstretched hand is swatted away only to be offered again. The real question is who is willing to take it? I was thinking about moving that old bird house, maybe finding a spot for it in the front yard tree, along with the wind chimes. I do, however love the look of it when I stare out our bedroom window, and there is always the song I wake up to that let's me know that the birds have returned. It's only been a short while, but it already feels like home here on Moore, Ave, and I would miss that singing in the mornings of those warm months.



- maybe I'll just leave it there, waiting for them, like an out stretched hand, hoping they'll come home ...



- Love, S.

- What's Your Choice ...

- broken, beaten; she fell into my arms. I chose to love. Put to the test; my conscious screamed with rage. I could visibly see the blood running, bodies broken, beaten, all by my hand. At 6'4" and 225lbs, it's not so unbelievable. Certainly, anger, and revenge are justified. I chose to love. Each time the door closed and I found myself left to my thoughts, my only recourse was to ensure our children held out love first. Respect and understanding must win the day. Every moment spent staring at the back of a head; I chose to love.

How can I live with myself, am I a pussy whipped, welcome mat!? Who would stand, and allow this in their home? Who could possibly, look into those eyes knowing the betrayal of trust, the deliberate choice to be spiteful and cutting? How do you define "Faithful"? I chose to love. Each time my heart broke a little more; I chose to love. Every moment spent with empty arms; I chose to love. Each night spent in an empty bed; I chose to love. Every time our children shed tears in my lap; I chose to love. Every meal shared, less one at the dinner table; I chose to love. With every false accusation, all the miss placed anger, and hateful glances sent my way; I chose to love.

- broken, beaten; she fell into my arms. I chose to love.

- It's good to be back ... Love, S.

- Living, In the wake of the masters ...

Weep For Joy

Happy Day, I'm in love, with an amazing woman.
She blesses me, no end and beyond that ...
I look to her eyes, and see future loves,
when we share joy, happiness and passion.
We hold one another, and breathe hot; long breaths,
clutching, unwilling to separate.

It is her song; that stays on in my heart,
lifting me up, bearing me on til tomorrow.
Such is the face of love; changing, and growing;
stumbling, and righting itself.
It lives, and dies, yet for me there is always tomorrow,
in her arms, Oh Happy Day!

- written; Friday, February 29'th/2008, 3:09p

A Love Song

Reject me not if I should say to you
I do forget the sounding of your voice,
I do forget your eyes that searching through
The mists perceive our marriage, and rejoice.

Yet, when the apple-blossom opens wide
Under the pallid moonlight’s fingering,
I see your blanched face at my breast, and hide
My eyes from diligent work, malingering.

Ah, then, upon my bedroom I do draw
The blind to hide the garden, where the moon
Enjoys the open blossoms as they straw
Their beauty for his taking, boon for boon.

And I do lift my aching arms to you,
And I do lift my anguished, avid breast,
And I do weep for very pain of you,
And fling myself at the doors of sleep, for rest.

And I do toss through the troubled night for you,
Dreaming your yielded mouth is given to mine,
Feeling your strong breast carry me on into
The peace where sleep is stronger even than wine.

DH Lawrence

- What's Your Choice ?

- I can decide to get up out of this chair right now, take a shower, clean the house, run the stairs doing laundry that needs not be done. IT IS MY CHOICE! I can choose to berate my wife, pointing out all of her faults, as I see them, leaving nothing to chance and in the process removing any shred of self esteem she may posses, again it is My choice. I can choose to wait for the children to get home and proceed to tell them all of the things they've done wrong. Focusing especially on the work their mother has, yet again, done in their rooms; and how they've let her down by not keeping up on the very simple task of picking up after themselves. Lay the guilt & shame on thick! My choice! I could head downstairs, grab the bottle of Mojitos that Sara bought on Sunday past, and pour myself one long, stiff cocktail; much needed as I've been without pain meds all week. My choice! Who's going to stop me? I've read two peoples comments, in four, plus months of writing; let alone the time it would take to find me, get to me, and physically try and stop me. Maybe I'm drinking that cool, minty refreshment as you read. It is and will always be; My choice! I am a grown, 6'4" tall; 220lb man. I am very aware of my size, and my ability to use that size any way I see fit. Each and every thing I've mentioned here; and far more, are, and will continue to be My choice. I choose; consciously, my actions, and inter-actions with others, each and every day. By now; I hope you see that I am very aware of my shortcomings. So much so, in fact that I choose to keep them in the fore front of my awareness daily. I choose this because I hope to benefit those around me each day. I do not; ever, want to do any of those things, ever again. Yes, I am guilty of most of these behaviours at one time or another. It sickens me to say so, but again, here is my truth.

- Today, I choose to love first always. I make this my one and only goal; each moment of every day. Love first. This means when I'm being spoken to; I offer the benefit of doubt. I choose to put my love and affection for the person who is speaking; ahead of my opinion on what they may be saying. It is a fairly easy concept. Many is the time when I disagree, or take issue with something said. It remains unfortunate that I was born with a free will, and an opinion. Many is the time when I will take a defensive posture in conversation. I am after all human, and fallible. My goal will always be to allow for an open and honest dialogue, where the person I'm sharing with feels heard, feels valid, and most of all, feels understood. I want them to know that I get it, and that I appreciate their part in the conversation. When I allow myself to go to that place where I'm feeling attacked, I will always try to force my point. My defenses go up and I begin to explain, and site "reasons why". This is all unnecessary; when I put love, compassion, and a desire to hear what's being said, first. A willingness to understand is an absolute, must. A passionate desire to allow someone the freedom to be themselves, goes a long way as well. God gave us a free will, and wants us to love ourselves for who we are. Why can't we do the same for each other? I'm still praying for you ... It is; after all, My choice! Love, S.

- A Heavy Heart, Weightless By Her Vision ...

- Beyond frustration ... Beyond Grief ... Past all sense of even willing to try ... I'm not even certain why I'm waking up each day. I've read the book of Job, I know faith. If you've read anything here you are aware that I believe, and would not do anything, selfish or stupid. It is quite beyond any of that at this point. In a recent piece I wrote about a desire to be available for everyone. There is no greater truth for me. Let me note here that there is no desire for sainthood in that statement; it is a very real, deep sense of calling. I long to find my self in a place where I can talk, converse and work with others. I'd like my therapist's job! I would like to think that I have the freedom to be myself, to explore this part of myself at home. I don't. Do I talk too much? Yes, I do. Quite often; in the therapists chair, we find ourselves at the end of a very long journey, spent and thoroughly exhausted, sitting upon an exhilarating epiphany. Talking, discussion, debate are all the means of transportation needed to arrive at this powerful moment in our personal lives. The therapist provides the fuel, that we often cannot find at home. Why must we pass judgements on the ones we claim to love the most? Why must we constantly put ourselves in the role of victim; taking each and every statement like it's an attack on our person? Each of these issues with communication, and far more that tend to crop up are all easily solved in one fell swoop. For those we love, we provide the benefit of doubt. Choosing always to love someone first. Simply making note of what's been said, allowing for the person to be human and fallible, remembering your desire to love this person, and seeking clarification when the opportunity is available. I screw this up all the time, yet I'm aware of the necessity and willing to provide the grounds to those around me always.

- An important moment for me; "in the therapists chair", was when I finally understood that my vision for our children could be ((and most likely is!)) completely different and foreign to their vision for themselves. In that moment I understood the freedom they will require, moving forward. A freedom that screams, "I like myself, I like what I'm becoming, and I like where my life is going." What must I provide, for each of them to accomplish this goal? Put simply, I have to put my wants and needs aside. I must freely share my experience, without expectation that they will heed it, at all. Quite honestly this is all I aspire to.Unfortunately, I rarely have the freedom to do this. Most times my opinions, feelings, thoughts and ideas are stifled and assumed to be attacks. I would be less than honest if I failed to note that there are times when I am heard and my words have an impact; yet, the very thing I ran from in childhood, seems to be my lot in life as of late. I refuse to allow my siblings to treat me this way, so I've consciously decided to distance myself from their lives. Now I find myself feeling like an afterthought in the lives of those whom I hold most dear. I take time out to realize that we are on top of one another more than ever before, and Sara is affected deeply by this. Even in the earliest days of our relationship, she would take time with friends, make a point of seeking out time away. This I have no issue with, it is the distance between our hearts that is most difficult to endure. I've not shared anything quite this personal before so please appreciate how difficult it is to pen, such painful thoughts. I wake daily, unsure if I'll be a married man at the end of the day. This is far beyond insecurity, it is not knowing my partner anymore. There are moments sublime, awash with passion, and joy where I feel like we've never been closer. In the very next moment, I couldn't even begin to guess as to what went wrong. I will take ownership of my own ills. I have a great need to communicate, talk. I also, become angry, loud and vulgar far too easily, although that area continues to improve. I have little if any direction in my life since the work injury in October / 07, and I can be very needy. It's funny to me though; that we had a real plan; to be together, to raise a family, to see what the future had in store and role with the punches. We looked forward to grandchildren, and the boys growing up. Now we're barely surviving each day. I love every minute with her, and quite enjoy the time, looking forward to simply making plans for our time each day, quite the contrary it feels like she is looking for ways to get as far away as possible, and reasons to be gone. This could all be completely wrong, I may be so far off the mark as to be in the wrong area code. It is after all my perception. I am a fallible human being.

- I had a great afternoon with my wife today, and enjoyed her excitement with her new camera. I had a bit of an epiphany while with her. I've spent YEARS, quite literally, feeling that "I WANT", to do God's work, "I WANT", to find a way to serve Him. "I WANT", to make a living doing His works. I've never stopped to think, or consider what "God Wants" of me. I should make a note here that I will be exclusively using Sara's Photo's from this day on. I would like to pledge that any images used in my pieces, will be the exclusive work of Sara. So enjoy the world, as seen through her eyes. I know I do. Pray for me, my pretties, I'm praying for you !

- Love, S.

- Seeking Peace & Victory ...

- How do I become, completely free from all "Vulgarity" ? Any thoughts ? The screaming, yelling and vulgarity; when anger consumes me, continue to be the biggest struggles in my life. I wouldn't say my "day to day" life suffers, but my conscience certainly does. It could be a concerted effort that goes completely awry, or flying totally off the handle at a moments notice. It embarrasses me to say this but, here is my truth. I can say, without fear of contradiction that the periods of "concerted effort", are better. I am open and honest about my struggles, especially this one. My family know, very well, how much I've struggled in this regard. Both, first hand and through my requests for forgiveness. Although, I don't direct any derogatory remarks at anyone, nor have I ever become physical in my anger yet there is no doubt that my wife and children suffer as a result of this behaviour. I'm not looking to become a saint here, I would simply love to be free of this foul pitfall. You may scoff, you may find yourself in utter disbelief, but know this as my sincerest wish. If by chance I had a single wish, it would not be for money, or any other type of power, it would be to never, swear, scream or raise my voice in anger or frustration again.

- Past experience tells me that the first step is realizing and then admitting to the problem. Having done this already, I feel that putting it out there is the next obvious step. I've been told that when it becomes important, it will obviously become a priority and I will have the ability to over come it, as I did with drink, and cigarettes. Being free of these things as long I as have, it is now glaringly painful, that this issue persists. Recently, my "Volume & Vulgarity" have come to the forefront of discussions with Sara, and I have had to accept the fact that, while the problem has improved, it needs to take priority. When coupled with a controlling, manipulative, and insecure personality, the result is volatile to say the least.

- Back a couple of years ago, I had asked for a small gold pendant. I remember my father getting one on his tenth sobriety anniversary. I wore a silver chain and pendant for years, commemorating my first year in sobriety. After my ninth year; I shared with Sara only, that God willing I make ten years, I would like to have a small gold pendant to commemorate this milestone. Well, today I found and purchased one that I look forward to putting on my chain. I had the back of it inscribed with the date I hold very dear: Jan.14/97 and a scripture that empowers me deeply. The chain I will put this pendant on is the chain I have for my tenth wedding anniversary. January 14'th / 1997 is the day I took what was to become my last drink of alcohol to date; The book of Romans, Chapter 8, tells me that I am much more than I ever believed myself to be, that I am eternally enveloped in God The Father and His love, through His Son; Jesus Christ. It may be to celebrate all this change in my life, it may be to commemorate some milestone in my history. I may be bringing together, these two amazing happenings for me, ten years in sobriety and ten years in marriage. I want to do it going forward though, I want it to mean more than the monetary value of the gold itself. I want to know that the victory didn't end with alcohol and cigarettes. I will ask for your prayers, knowing I've asked before. It feels like the time has come to Grow Up. It has always felt to me that a man with a vast vocabulary, shouldn't have to resort to vulgar, foul language. A man of wisdom, and high moral fiber, should count himself better than that. While I don't hope to sound too high on myself, I would like to think that I should have come far enough to gain victory in these areas of my life. If nothing else I want to be a blessing to my wife and children, I want to benefit them each day as opposed to polluting their ears with my lack of self control, my infantile tantrums, and foul mouthed, inability to express my fears. The true root of all my anger.

- Maybe this day, My God will bless me with freedom from this dark part of my being. I know His power and ability already, as I am a miracle in His creation. My continued existence is a living breathing proof of His mercy. To Him be all the Praise, and Glory, as well it should be. I submit myself as a willing servant, desirous of change, that others may see and believe in His power, ability, mercy, and love. I will once again ask and wait patiently for your input. Peace and Love ! - Love, S.

- How Free are You ?

- how exactly do we gauge our own freedom? Do we, as Canadians feel we have more freedom than Americans because the quality of our porn is better. We have "Sexual Freedom"; therefore we are a much more "Free" nation. Let us consider President Bush's desire to, yet again, re-visit the Gay Marriage issue. A Question our Prime Minister will, as promised address in open Parliament, but would much rather put behind him. I think we can all attest to the fact that our Hetero-Sexual marriages are not affected by the "Gays Getting Married", any problems there are from our own misdoings. We're far more inclusive as a people, therefore we must have a "deeper sense of freedom as a society."

- I'm sure you can call me biased as a Canadian Citizen, you'd be correct. I would guess that as Americans, some might say that your freedom; your right to bare arms, makes you superior, your political system, allows anyone to become President as opposed to a Party Leader being in charge. This may be true, our retort would undoubtedly have something to do with a far superior Health Care System ... and the argument's would go on and on ... Here, lies my point.

- Which of us has the very real freedom required; to walk away? Who wants to let it go and let the score board do the talking? How many, would see the pointless, never ending bickering as a drain on all things human, and loving; then without warning leave the debate for a well deserved break? This, my lovelies, is the real sense of freedom I pray for you. The freedom to be wrong, the freedom to not care, the freedom that Screams, "I Have Nothing To Prove!" When your head hits the pillow tonight, I pray you've pondered the fact that all over our world, in some of the worst dictatorships, there are people who are free. I've tasted freedom, only to turn hostage again, I hold my self prisoner everyday. Unwilling to embrace the freedom I give myself each morning. I fool myself into the fallible belief that others have my best interests at heart, as much as I have theirs. It's a joke, it is, without exaggeration to the very essence of the word, "laughable." To believe for a moment, that even your closest, dearest loved ones are incapable of the most heinous acts of selfishness is absolute, and complete folly. Rip your own heart out if you believe otherwise. This is the continued pitfall for me. I have sensed freedom. I truely; could not possibly care less, if anyone knew my deepest darkest secrets. I would willingly stand at a podium and share with the world every sick, twisted, sinful thing I've ever done. I feel the less ammunition someone has the better. In this willingness, I've already disarmed them. The problem lies in the amount of discretion, I bring into my marriage. If I honour the woman I married, I choose discretion, as it removes this obvious embarrassment from her. I embrace my freedom, without assuming she does the same. One could say that if she was, as willing to be beyond reproach, than nothing said could harm her either; I'd agree. Simply put, it is not for me too assume her position; this brings me, back to my point.

- I would, embrace a world where I am free to love hilariously. A place where I could give and provide care and concern to every individual I meet each and every day. Those closest to me would obviously benefit from my desire, my passion for their own well being each day. I could be free to share my heart felt thoughts and ponderings. They would never be defensive and take things as a personal attack, I'd never be made out to be some controlling monster, wielding absolute power with fear, intimidation, and a manipulative heart. I would be "approachable", sought out if only to share a thought or idea with. Someone who is there to hear ones plans for the day; someone who is there to engage in conversation. To expect my life to be like this, while a fine goal for any one of us, is a fools venture. How lovely it would be yes, but a journey in fruitless investment. Why? one might ask, because I put far to much faith in the people themselves, it is my biggest downfall. Quote D.H. again if you like ...

- I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

Without ever having felt sorry for itself.

David Herbert Lawrence

- While I invite you, to see my sense of self pity, I would encourage you to see my very real desire to serve others. I lose my freedom when I fail to prepare for their humanness. An argument can be made that their treatment of me is not the way "I would have it" and therefore "not good enough for me", yet I would counter by saying; while I make the feelings, and well being of others my priority, I set my self up by expecting them to do the same for me. While we assume that those we hold closest and whom we consider most dear already do this for us, it is nothing less than folly to do so. "Freedom" is the hardened heart that is tough and calloused enough to believe and embrace this difficult fact...

- "Sad But True" (Hetfield/Ulrich:'91)

- Love, S.

- A New Day Dawns ...

Cast your opinions and judgmental glances,
surely you'll raise my ire.
My conviction will stand still, upright and proud.

I've met Him, the man, the historic figure,
I know Him, a personal friend one might say.
You frown at my appearance.

Shallow is a word that barely describes your ignorance,
I would be led to say, depth less, shoal.
Your bitterness suckles, you nurse it, gently.

Blinded by anger and age old resentment,
you talk endlessly of my past,
barely knowledgeable of my present, missing the limitless love I tend for you.

Speak hatefully, endlessly, of my misdeeds;
bark yourself hoarse to anyone who may lend you an ear,
surely you'll raise my ire.

The day will not arrive, when finally you've
quenched my deepest desire to shower love upon you.
I've met each Man, I grow more knowledgeable each day.

It is in their histories I grow strong, In their teaching
I garner wisdom. Of yesterdays folly, I seek freedom,
that this new generation takes a far better path.

Maybe this day, your eyes will open
I seek no converts, there is no baptism awaiting you here,
My arms wait only, to hold a sister, dearly.

Love, S.

- Humbly; Quoting the Masters ...

- I wake this morning, feeling like I'm on the downside of a long uphill journey. Not quite home yet, but painfully on the winning side. Since "Superbowl Sunday". our little family has been generously sharing the "Strep" virus amongst each other. Dad got his dose this past week. Isn't it funny how a dose of Antibiotic will bring things out like white on rice?! Feeling a little defeated this week, I attended an assessment for my back issues at a Regional Evaluation Center ((REC)) in London, On. I must note that the gentleman there were very decent. While they both assured us that Surgery does not seem likely in my case, the best the doctor could suggest was a return to the place I was at; on or about, the day of the most recent injury in Oct. I can tell you here, that was not a "Good Place". Better than right now, but at best I would live with limited; bending, lifting, twisting, or prolonged periods of sitting or standing.
I'm reminded of a powerful piece of wit I'ld like to quote here; If I may be so bold ...

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself

- Self Pity; D.H. Lawrence ...

- Powerful words, from an obviously inspired thinker.

- I got in a Thirty Minute sittng this past week, think the Buddah would be happy for me ???

Love, S.

- You know who you are, all five ...

There was this moment; perfect and eternal.

It was happiness, and passion.

There was a yearning for some sense of my purpose there.

I saw her and was immediately awestruck, without expression, and at loss for words.

I felt full and complete, and terrified at once, to consider the future here was folly, a fools venture.

To look into your eyes, was to see wonder, fear and awe, was love there yet?

I remembered a loss, and another I'd not held in years, and vowed to be better.

Each second was infinite.

I believed in perpetual potential there and then, you alone gave me hope.

On days like today I wonder where I've failed you, how far removed from that moment are we.

Have I let you down, had my father taken time with me, would I be more forgiving?

I hope that my scars are lessons learned, dues paid on your behalf.

God willing, I leave this as a road map for you.

- Written February 07 / 2008 ...

- Have you ever gone hungry? Do you know that angry, rageful pain? It does not go away, nor it's reminder abate.

- Have you ever longed for quench to your thirst? Has your palate, your tongue been so dry as to invoke thoughts best left unstated? It does not leave, it's memory an unwanted tattoo.

- Have you screamed yourself hoarse at the heavens; bitter and ravenous; if only to be assured your children sleep with full bellies?

- We take joy only in the fact that they belch, and flatulate, content in their fullness and dreaming of birthdays, presents and games won.

- Headaches you've always known the cure for, cravings you fall sleeplessly on. Water might help, certainly soda crackers would provide some taste of salt.

- It is impossible to ever be rid of this knowledge, it is a glaring, visible piercing that will never close.

- Hunger is vengeful and needy. A wanting whore; demanding payment for pleasures yet provided.

- I've felt hunger, those who know will read it here...

- I've attempted rest, assured only by the knowledge that our children sleep, belching under bed sheets; with their flatulence, content and full.

- I know the desire to parent, to turn inward and seek pleasure in providing. Going without so as to feel complete within.

- I am thankful that my prayers have been answered,

- I am a father; and, I am a husband,

- I have gone hungry...

- Trying, Attempting, to Get Un-Stuck ...

- Man oh man, I loathe the feeling of being stuck; yet here I am. I am absolutely committed to getting better, and being more consistent. I've made quite a few notes in the notebook Lisa gifted me over the holidays; I'm just not quite sure how to get it from the book to the blog. At my last appointment with Dr. Bill I had a fairly powerful moment regarding my father. I've had a very deep longing, a pull really; to head back home and visit his grave. I thought that it had more to do with the holidays approaching, so I ignored it. Dr. Bill's direction? Maybe I should go. There may be answers waiting for me. I tried to write a letter to him ((Dad)) after my appointment, while it stirred some very real emotion, I found myself unable to get through it. Again, a very frustrating sense of being stuck! Here I sit, feeling qualified to reach out to others and lend a hand. Willing to share my experience, strength & hope if only to benefit someone in need. All the while I'm so overwhelmed with feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and regret over my past. I feel ripped off, used, and most of all; completely disregarded by every member of my immediate family. I reached out to a sibling before the holidays, in the hopes of coming to some sense of understanding, only to be told it was probably the last time we'll ever talk. Not that this really bothers me as I said basically the same thing to three of them some time ago, I thought that this may be an opportunity to move ahead. Sara and I received an invitation to visit and I hoped that it may lead to some dialogue. There is an overwhelming feeling that along with my father, I've lost any hope of relationship with three of my four sisters. It's honestly a loss that I never imagined. I have lived a lifetime hoping to be a part of their lives, now I'm faced with the reality that I'll most likely never know them. I can go on and on about, how many ways they've continued to wrong me and judge me, but it all leads to one thing, the bitterness and resentment I continue to feel. It has carried on since my childhood and I simply want to be free from it. I wish there was a switch I could hit that would make it all better, but it simply comes down to their bitterness, anger and hatefulness. I know this without question. Allow me to point this out, I wake up every day, willing to change. I approach each moment of my life, since January 15/1997, desirous of change. It is not because I feel I need to be different, it is only because I seek to be open and submissive. I choose to be ready when that change is necessary in my life. I've not found anything like that in any conversations with these siblings. Quite the contrary, I've been blamed, accused, and held accountable for things I've made amends for years ago. I simply don't feel I need to allow myself to be an afterthought, for another Thirty-Nine years. Maybe, heading home will bring some answers.

- Romans 8; 28-39 - More Than Conquerors ...

28-And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

31-What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

36-As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

37-No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38-For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39-neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- Eleven down, way more to go !!!

- Tuesday; January 15'th, 2008 was quite possibly the best day ever! At the very least, the best yet. It was one of those where every light was green, every sales person couldn't do enough to help, and every Timmy's got my coffee perfect! I really shouldn't act so surprised though! I seemed to be the only one who'd remembered that I had just accomplished eleven consecutive years, Clean & Sober! Believe it or not there was no bitterness; I felt like I had a secret and no one else even had to know! I feel so gifted to be sitting here, Right Now. Let me take this very moment to give all the credit to those who deserve it. Yes, I wanted to change; yes, I brought an open mind and a willing heart; yes, I got to meetings ... Yes, yes, yes, Yet, truth be told, every person who ever took the time to open a meeting, turn on the coffee, set up chairs, or chair a table deserves the credit. It is those that keep the doors open that saved my life, gave a husband back to my wife, a father back to my children. You all, made me into a worthy employee, and showed me the true value of friendship. It is to you I say "Thank-You"! There are so many more who's names I'll forget, who deserve thanks and admiration for all they've contributed. I stand here today because they all held me up, and taught me to walk when I desperately wanted to run.

To say it's been a journey would be saying far too little. I've learned to say sober, grounded in a Twelve Step Program, embraced a Saviour, worked with a Christian Men's Group, sought private Therapy, and found myself far more accountable to a male therapist. All this, and it's only been eleven years. As anyone who's read any of my stuff would already know, I pray for the day when I can make a living reaching out to all of you. When maybe my words, or deeds may be the one "Intervention" that guides someone around a corner. I will continue to hold out for the time when I can spend each day writing, reaching out and working for you. Until then; with this short period behind me, I will look toward the moments, hours, days, and weeks ahead; when I can add my heartfelt thoughts, my love, right here doing that which is available to me, to reach out to you.

I look around, I see the pictures on the walls, I can smell the familiar scents, vanilla, speed stick, fried eggs, all the things that tell me my family has recently been here. Sara's body spray, the boys getting ready for school, Sara cooking before she heads out to work. Our family; alive, living, the tedious day to day! The mess of papers on the table, shoes in the middle of the vestibule. I'm here, in the midst of it . I'm joyous as I splash about in the mud puddle of it all. You may call me mad, I see the dream of a young man come true. As an eleven year old boy, holding my first nephew in my arms, I dreamed of the day when, I to, would hold a son or daughter; the day I would have a wife, and here I am living that dream right now. My dream's come true. To make it truly complete would be the opportunity to write for you each day. Yet, I feel I am so richly blessed, and I am grateful. I thank those, who know who they are, and am humbled by the many who've done so much and continue to go unnoticed, your anonymity is completely Awe-inspiring ! Love, S.

- Wanted to drop you a line !

- yet again, I'm humbled and feel in deep need of your forgiveness. I can honestly say that I have struggled. I have felt so torn, not really feeling any sense of inspiration. I've beat myself, figuring; "how could I possibly commit to a daily piece, if I have so many dry spells in between?" Then it hit me. I've been writing more now, than ever before. I need to give myself some credit.

I was especially moved when I got to see Lisa this Christmas, she spoiled us. When she came over with Billie-Jo ((her mother)) she brought some lovely gifts, I received a very handsome note book and pen. I've honestly had a difficult time going anywhere without it. I've taken time to write down ideas, and thoughts before, I've just not taken to the practice as seriously as some. It's a little frustrating, because now that I have a book for making notes, there's been no notes to make !!! I know it will come, and those moments will happen, I'm just wanting more than is there right now.

The New Year has started with a bang, Josh is playing ball for two teams, Sara is working away the hours ((compared to not working for the last thirteen years)), and Joe & Jack have played their first tournament. Hosted in St. Thomas, by the Shock! I must applaud them for a fantastic event. We enjoyed ourselves immensely, and our boys had a blast. I was surprised to see "Bobby Knight" coaching a group of eleven year old boys from London, but that said; the kids all did very well! For us though; "Busy" would be somewhat of an understatement. We're looking forward to Joshua's two more games this week, hopefully some time back home in Windsor this coming weekend, and in the distant weeks to come, another tournament in Hamilton. I really hope that I'll have more to offer soon, YOUR COMMENTS WOULD HELP!

God help professional sports if the Pat's win the Superbowl, how much does it cost to pay for a perfect season!? I guess it helps to have the League Commissioner in your luxury suite every weekend! Colts, Colts, Colts !!! We'll See Ya Next Year Boys, Thanks, For the Memories this Year!

Love, S.