- Celebrating a New Life ...

- happy Birthday to me !!!

If I've learned anything in Thirty-Nine Years it's this. One can never predict one moment to the next. Just when you think you have things under some sense of control. The rug is definitely coming out from under you! If you think you might have some idea when or how it will happen; then good luck trying to prepare! I thought I had the money thing on the right track, then lay-offs & a bad back caught up with me. I figured I had the sobriety thing well at hand, then my back problem required pain medication! I thought my marriage was damn near infallible, HA ! Let me paint a picture here ...



Dad was the only boy, no brothers, Three older sisters. ((His Father was one of Three Boys...)) I have Four older sisters, no brothers, that's correct. We were both baby brothers! Mom was one of Six sisters, no brothers. My wife, Sara, is one of Three sisters, no brothers. Her Dad, my father in law is smack-dab in the middle of Four sisters. I'm what you might say Drowning in a Sea of Estrogen !!! Sara and I have Three boys. Bottom line, we have no clue what we're doing with three boys, so we are compelled to ask lots of parenting questions to anyone willing to listen! Having noted all of that I can assure you one definite fact, I haven't the first idea what's going on in any woman's head. They are a total mystery to me! Sure, being surrounded by them my whole life I've developed some enviable skills, I can talk with the best of them. I've used this power for good and evil! ((this is not far from the truth)) Trust me when I say that nine out of ten times it has been a survival tactic and not much else. When caught in the head lights of an emotional breakdown, it's great to have a way out. No one wants to face that fire without an extinguisher! Having those verbal, tools has been a blessing to say the least. I found myself, doing a bit of back peddling yesterday in the therapists office. Yes, I've talked my way in, and I've B.S.'d my way back out of many a female "inner sanctum"; yet yesterday, in front of my therapist, ((a man )) I was quite speechless on many topics. It should come as no surprise that this is a rare occasion! If you've been paying attention class, you'll note here that my journey is one of self searching. I am in constant need of more information; for the express purpose of improving. First for my God, Then for Sara, and ultimately to Benefit the Children. In That Order ... I learned some time ago, that where other men are concerned; I long for the accountability I can glean from the relationship. I was asked to participate in a "Men's Group" organized by a Pastor from a local Church. I agreed, and it became a defining moment for me. Not only was I able to share my own experience with this group; I found a very real desire to be accountable to these men. Not unlike a Team Sport Atmosphere, we lived and celebrated our successes and died a little, with each others' failures. I miss it. I did gain two lifelong friends from that group, and still share a great deal of time with at least one of those. This brings me to probably the most significant point of these last ten plus years. While I sat with my new therapist, he congratulated me on the almost eleven years of sobriety I've enjoyed. I have consistently replied, to this the same way. "It wasn't me, I just showed up". He pointed out that I should take some credit, and maybe I should. Now please don't label me Self Deprecating, but there is a valid point to be made here. Do I deserve credit for walking to the meetings? Do I deserve credit for Bumming rides? Maybe it's the fact that I was willing to change, or that I sought out the places and people who could guide me. Sure, I'll take all of that. Here's where the truth lies my pretties ... my desire for a better life was not unlike my desire to get drunk, or my desire to forget about my back pain. I quite simply, wanted something better than what I had. Then; I had a grade ten education and no hope for the future. Now I have better. Now; I have constant discomfort and no ability to shut my head off; while I look for a position to sit, stand or lie in. Take a couple of Percocet, and the discomfort don't matter as much, heck I can even enjoy my wife beating me senseless at a game of Cribbage.

The connection, while difficult for some is quite easy for me, all I need to do is show up, with a willingness to be better, those in my life will provide me all I need to be a better man. If I know that I'm more inclined to be accountable to a man, then I better have strong male role models in my life. If I need to use medication to manage my discomfort, then I better be accountable to those around me. All I need do is to bring the body, those around me, I believe, God provides; to give me the tools I need. These, Deserve the Credit for taking the time out of their lives to show me the correct, healthy way to live mine. I pray I may be of help ... Love, S.

- Bridges, Un-Burned ...

- who really knows if this will ever be read by those it's intended for. I guess the sad part, is that it would be simply pointless to send it directly; as it would certainly be met with prejudgement and scepticism. I've been mired in this endless sieve that is my siblings bitterness and anger. I'd be lying to say that I harbour none of my own, if you've read at all, this should come as no surprise. My bitterness, is directed more at the short sightedness, than any one person. There exists here, so much potential for love and celebration in each others' successes. You should know that as a seven or eight year old boy, I have a vivid memory of being on my mom's lap as her and my father discussed getting back together. We were at this table where you had to slide back into the corner seat, and I remember this awful red and white textured wallpaper. My Mom and Dad agreed to each be responsible for us thus, Dad says, quite matter of fact; "you take those two, and I'll take the other three". This among many other things is burned into my memory. I've been journal ling probably, since the age of twelve, and many of these moments are as fresh as the day they happened. It proved to be a defining moment, in my family history. It set in motion a division that thrives today. The worst part of it all is that the siblings most deeply affected by it, those that still sit entrenched; insisting in it's reality, are the very people that we've worked so diligently to be noticed by. I guess I should point out that My eldest sister and myself are "those two". We were not fortunate enough to be included in Dad's group! I say this not out of bitterness, only to emphasise the wedge created. Trust when I say that this was not unlike growing up with a "Clique" you were not welcome into. So you can see that there continues to be here, a very real sense of "exclusivity" in this family. We were thrust into this division, and have lived here, on the outside ever since. Christmas, will come and go again, and unless there is effort on my part, I will scarcely note it's passing in my siblings lives. I will be lucky to see my mother. On the other hand my in-laws will make every effort to unite their children and grandchildren and No One will go un-noticed or un-appreciated regardless of the situation in their lives. It is through them, that I have learned what a family is, their efforts have taught me what it means to be loved, not for what I could be, but for what I am. I have learned in their family room, at their kitchen table, what it is to be liked, appreciated, and most of all that mistakes are O.K. even expected. Sara's youngest sister married an amazing young man, who posed the most telling question I've yet to answer, he asked; "Didn't anyone take the time to, at least, make sure you turned out o.k. ?" I had to answer, no. When Dad passed away I was 17, I didn't have a stable place to call home till I met Sara, at 24. I blame no one but myself. I couldn't possibly; I am compelled to take responsibility for my own failures & successes, as they define me, and I'll be damned if anyone else takes credit for them. I kinda like myself today! It would have been nice to have a stable face in "the crowd", that was; that time in my life though. We've often wondered ((Sara&I)) what might have been had someone stepped up as a stable, mentoring force in our lives. Suffice to say that we're both pretty happy, only because we've become so fond of each other. I've definitely learned to rely on her, probably far too much, & I think I can say the same for her, relying on me, maybe not enough! I can't emphasize enough; the joy I take in the very real fact that Sara and I have, starved, struggled and survived to get where we are today. We have lived and thrived and accomplished it all together, there are those, Who Know Who They Are, who can rest assured that they have been nothing less than instrumental in the success that is our family. Quite the contrary though, there are those who barely know us, members of our own family who would have to guess at the state of affairs here.No doubt, those who would blame me; knowing full well that my calls, apologies, e-mails have all gone ignored and forgotten. It is these, that I grieve, and The Others That I Am Truly Thankful For ... I Give Thanks this Weekend For All of You, and Sooo Much More ... Love, S.

- The Long Road Home ...

- hey man, when I started this it was because I dreamed of a day when "My Experience, Strength, and Hope" might benefit others. I envisioned a great opportunity, where I might share the hopes, dreams, hurts and roadblocks Sara and I have lived, and see others inspired to move on, and "Join us on the road to happy destiny" ((Borrowed from The Big Book)). I wonder how many have seen the A&E Program, "Intervention". I have not, I fear the emotional roller coaster it would take me on. If you've seen it, please, share your views, I might be inspired to sit down and watch an episode. Although, you should know, I still haven't watched the remake of "King Kong"; I know the ending and really don't want to re-visit that broken heart. I told our boys, they'd have to watch it without me. My point being, that this is the very life long pursuit, I dream of. I have lived the destruction that is Alcoholism & Addiction. As most will lose this fight, and never come back to a second meeting, I feel unbelievably blessed to be the very real miracle; that came and stayed; at the tender age of twenty eight. I've thought of the moment when I could quit my job and make a living off the Internet, "Helping and Benefiting Others". I've played with a number of ideas; putting together a web site that would be a constant source of inspiration for others, providing any and all means of help to those seeking direction. I know the almost futile desperation that this sense of hopelessness buries us under, I know what it is to be completely broken and without even the slightest desire to try. Words like, "Thorough Exhaustion" don't even begin to explain the sense of anguish one can feel when faced with the mountainous task of changing ones life. It is right here where I've seen my self, reaching out to offer even the simplest, glimmer of hope. To those who feel completely betrayed by "God". For those who believe in all that science and the modern world have to offer, and would have others believe that these are the obvious reasons that a " Great Spirit Can't Possibly Exist". I want to meet them in that moment, at that very place; where happiness & joy seem a distant memory, never attainable again. I want to say, "It Worked For Me". I was right where your were, and it worked for me.

This was the first step. Starting this "Blog" was the very first step in making this dream a reality. I'll say it here first. I don't want the riches this world has to offer. I like the house we have now, it took 14 or so years of food banks to get it, I really don't want to give it up now! It ain't much but it's ours! Hey, I won't lie to ya; I guess I'ld like a little lake side property; maybe a cool 50-footer to take Sara and the Kids on a few trips with., You know; really SEE the Great Lakes. But those are dreams about wants, not needs. The Biggest Need I have now is to find happiness, and that lies in reaching out to you. If you've read any of these entries and they've touched you; made you feel a sense of kin-ship, then you know who you are. I found a faith in a "God All My Own". Now some of those money hungry Evangelists might call me blasphemous. I wonder, what we define as "Blasphemy"; a Ten Thousand plus "well paying" congregation, building a multi-million dollar facility for it's pastoral staff to thrive in; or a single man sharing the knowledge that God meets us all on his own terms? Isn't it strange that a group calling themselves "Christians" would have you believe that a peace loving Buddhist is praying in vain. These same "Christians" would argue that a man, loving peace, helping others; committed to the betterment of himself, his family and the community he lives in, is living in vain and wasting his time because he reads the Koran and prays to Allah not Jesus Christ. Trust me that these are just as Radical as the men that flew planes into the Twin Towers. They are not Peace Lovers, they are every bit as "Exclusive" as the cliques of "Cool People" from high school. If you don't buy in, you ain't welcome. Surprise you, that this comes from the "Southern United States?"

Let me pose yet another, interesting scenario ...

If the Almighty God of our Universe, wanted so much to have us Love, Submit, and Pray to Him; if He so desired our Undying Faithfulness, and sought to meet us with our faithfulness and offerings; then why would He create only one path to reach Him. Does it not make sense that this Omnipotent, Omnipresent God of our universe would see how narrow minded our most powerful men are and allow hundreds of thousands of ways to reach him. I know that if you all wanted to make offerings to me I sure as shooting, would accept them from wherever, whenever. I, kinda figure the: All Knowing, All Seeing, All Powerful, Infinite Loving God of the Universe; Desiring only to meet us and soothe our hurts, and show us the freedom of forgiveness, would allow for us to meet him, in whatever way works for us. He kinda knew that even our fingerprints make us unique, our DNA, makes us solely accountable, something as complex as our faithfulness must be provided for.

Who then benefits from a God who is unique to one belief system? Well if you need it spelled out for you, it is without question, Not God, those that benefit from this system, unique to it's teachings and beliefs, right down to the book your expected to study from; are the people whose teachings your submitting to. Your tithe, goes to their paycheck, long before it gets to good works! I would love nothing more than to be able to live off the proceedes of my work, and maybe most of these Pastors, and clergy are of the same belief, I'm not about to tell anyone what or how to believe though, I'll tell you the Truth, as I've found it, we each need to meet God on our own terms, and trust when I say He Is Right There Waiting, To Love and Comfort You! My experience might help you, even guide you but the journey is yours. I'm Praying for You ... Love, S.