- Creating New Songs ...

So I was, yet again, asked how I was feeling today; I appreciate the concern. For me though, there was only a hospital scare; then came treatment, & the race to get off of medications. Today, not only have I been medication free for months, I haven’t smoked since September. I understand that there are those who require medical care on a consistent basis. I certainly have had my experiences with friends & family that have benefited from medicine & treatment. That noted I’m just as certain that we all have those in our lives that “need” to be sick. Therein lies the frustration for me. To have people so close that fail to see the freedom available to them. We can blame Dr.’s or modern medicine for the cases they “create”, but at the end of the day, each one of us has the strength within us to break free. To be sure, it’s a daunting task, yet the freedom is there for those willing to seek it out.

I remember the anger I carried, regarding my childhood. I can still feel the grudges I nursed. I claimed I cared, & felt feelings of love, & I did, just not enough to stop playing the same bitter old songs. In the same way I claimed to have faith. I did have faith, just not enough to trust with my health. I know that medicine has its benefits, & I’m not talking about “trusting God to cure my cancer”. What I’m discussing is an unhealthy dependency on Dr.’s, & medicine, to the point that it dictates one’s daily life. Suddenly we find our selves consumed by “the sickness”, & we’ve lost sight of what it is to be healthy. This is the funk & the rut so many get stuck in. Life & living is nothing more then a moment by moment; second by second parade of the next issue, & the next appointment, the next problem & the next miracle medication or treatment. Life has ended, & existing simply for the drama has begun.

It becomes glaringly obvious why health escapes us, we’ve taught ourselves to focus daily on solving problems we refuse to let go of! There is now, no room in our lives for joy & happiness, as we’ve become obsessed with curing a sickness that we simply refuse to dismiss from our lives. How did I ever expect to find freedom, to repair old wounds if I continued to convict the very people I claimed to love, for childhood crimes they had committed 30 plus years ago!? All I need to do is pick up a news paper, or turn on CNN to know that far worse crimes have been committed against far more innocent people then I. Yet, I convince myself that I’m “entitled” to be angry & bitter, & play the same wounded songs over & over. I remember a picture my father had of Pope John Paul II, forgiving the man who shot him. Suddenly my childhood bitterness becomes small, & my big words of love & faith seem empty. It is this lesson of letting go, & truly trusting that start to bring real “healing” into perspective. It is here that I began to get healthy!

Fear is a lack of faith, & that can be faith in whatever you believe. At the end of the day, once you buy into the doom & gloom, the fear & angst that the world dumps on your door step; you’ve lost faith in the system that brought you happiness & contentment in the first place. You’ve “forgotten” what gave you joy! That happiness & contentment will do more for your health & well being then any med, any Dr. will ever provide. You can speak all the pretty words, & make all the claims you want. If you can’t let go of old tapes, & old stories you will remain stuck in your grief & misery for a lifetime, & a wasted lifetime at that.

Praying Daily For Your Freedom; Love, S. }:)

- Making Time, To Change A Life ...

So, I’m feeling just a little pissed off. I’m feeling like the general population just doesn’t get it. Sure, go ahead, post pictures of starving babies in Somalia, & tell me I should give a shit. Your right, I should! I should care about a soldier, who’s paid the ultimate price for his Country to. Yep, you got it; bang on! What about Amy Winehouse, Mike Starr, Mikey Welsh, Jeff Conaway, Ryan Dunn, or Jani Lane? Because they’re celebrities they don’t deserve compassion, love, or understanding? Or they should have known better, they made their choices, they need to live with the consequences of their actions.

Well pay attention, open your heart, & I’d love to tell you exactly why you should care that we’ve lost another celebrity, another human being, another wife, mother, daughter, a sister to drug and alcohol addiction. Personally I thank God, for her celebrity, because, otherwise, you wouldn’t notice, let alone care!

Some quick notes & numbers for you:

- According to the World Drug Report 2005, cannabis is the most widely produced, trafficked and consumed illicit psychoactive substance worldwide.

- 49% of Ontario gr. 12 students admit to binge drinking.

- Among Ontario grade 11 drinkers, 13 years was the average age of first exposure, and 14 years was the average age for first intoxication experience.

- In the 16-18 year age group, 20.6% reported cannabis use prior to driving, compared with 19.6% who reported driving after drinking.

- In Canada, the latest statistics show that tobacco, alcohol and illegal drug use contribute to 21% of all deaths, 25% of potential years of life lost, and 19% of days spent in hospital for Canadians aged 15or older.

- Cannabis is the second most common substance—and the first among illicit drugs—used by Canadian youth. Lifetime cannabis use is reported by 17% of students in grades 7–9. About 29% of15–17 year olds and almost half of 18–19 year olds report past-year cannabis use. Provincial surveys show that a quarter to more than a third of junior high and high school students use cannabis. These surveys also show that about 3%–5% of students use cannabis daily, and daily use has increased over the long-term. In international comparisons, Canadian boys report the highest rates of frequent (more than 40 times in their lifetime) cannabis use.

- In the United States, approximately three-fourths (3/4) of all deaths among persons aged 10--24 years result from only four main causes: motor-vehicle crashes, other unintentional injuries, homicide, and suicide. Results from a national Youth Risk Behavior Survey demonstrate that numerous high school students engage in behaviors that increase their likelihood of death from these four causes...[including alcohol and illicit drug use].

(Quoted with thanks from internet sources)

If these facts don’t shake you to the bone, you need to check your pulse. We are losing our young people to the idea that they are not worthy; and these are then growing into adults that have lost their ability to believe in change. The real tragedy is that for most of these people, their family & their friends; the people who are supposed to love and nurture them the most, just don’t care. You can tell your friends & your family how tragic it is. You can share with your Dr.'s & therapists how much it rips your heart apart, but at the end of the day, real help is practical. Actions often prove how empty words can be. “It’s not my problem”, “I can’t help”, “They’ve made their choice”, “They need to help themselves” … sound familiar ... at all?

The story of my life is very simple, until I met Sara; I was convinced that no one gave a shit. The truth is no one really did. I’m really not angry anymore; I am in fact, crazy in love with my sisters & their families. I am not afraid to point out truth & facts though. The truth of that time is that I was left to twist in the wind. No one person made me their priority. I understand better today why that happened, & I recognize that each person was very motivated to get their own lives in order, but the fact remains; it was Sara & her parents who finally took on the task of loving me unconditionally, through my shit, until I found recovery. Here lies the real tragedy, too many of these “statistics” are the result of those shallow individuals who believe, that “they chose their lives”; as if addiction is some decision someone made to live a tragic broken life. If this is your argument for not being involved, for choosing to allow someone “the consequences of their actions”, then, did not every soldier since 9/11 “choose” their fate? Look, the real tragedy here are the families & loved ones destroyed. The facts are, not everyone makes it. Not everyone survives war. Not every starving 3’rd world country becomes an Agrarian powerhouse. Not every struggling addict celebrates 15yrs. clean & sober.

I can tell you this, had I had even one person in my life, to involve me in any sport, to sit & help me with home work, to cry with me when I didn’t even know why I was sad; everything would have been different. This was the single biggest lesson I took forward as a parent. That my children would have someone, always cheering them on, no matter the circumstance. Anytime, any moment, whenever they looked to the sidelines they would always see someone screaming their name. For homework, for broken hearts, scuffed knees for a lap to sit in, there has always been someone. I am happy to report, even at 17, 15, & 14; mom & dad still have laps, which are frequently used when heads need a place to find love!

A young lady, who spent Whitney Houston’s last evening with her was quoted as saying, “She was not drunk or high, she was happy, we were all toasting champagne & celebrating” … A woman who’s life demanded abstinence, let down by the very people she relied on to keep her sober …

The people I have in my life understand, thank God. They love me enough that they would never let this happen. Today, I’m sure that; at least some, would travel, lose sleep, or climb mountains, at all hours of the day & night to help me, & prevent any such occurrence. I say “some”, because this is the truth. There are those that love, “with conditions”. “I love you, but” … “I love you, & want to help, but” … This is the point I want; so desperately, to make. We are losing our children, our young people, because we’re too caught up in our own bullshit, to help them with homework. We’re too selfish to shut our own whining off & listen to their broken hearts. We’re so caught up in our own petty grief, we can’t make them & their teenage hurts our priority, remember how bad it sucked to be 15? Then, where is the compassion, & understanding? They need love, more then you need room to bitch about how bad your life sucks! This is not a piece I write about addiction. It is a call to your heart, a plea to those willing to put themselves, & their petty B.S. aside long enough to contribute to the lives of those in need.

Let me put some questions in your mind. Maybe you credit God, the universe, fate, or yourself for your current place in life. Maybe you need a lap to lay your head on, or maybe you have a lap to offer. I want to challenge you. If you need a lap, find it. Stay clean, settle for nothing less then sober sane thinking, & seek out the people, the person that will inspire you. Leave the shit & the shitty relationships at the curb for the garbage man, & start your life again.

Now if the opposite is true, & you find yourself with a lap to offer; who can you offer it to? I would suggest that maybe you find yourself in a situation where you may be able to give of yourself in a way that you may find uncomfortable. Is this true? Do you have a lap to offer, or maybe it’s just giving in a way you’re not accustomed to. Most experts agree that the first year in recovery is the difference maker. Maybe this is the very place you can make a difference. I know when I look back; there is no “year” that stands out, until my first “year” in sobriety. Could you offer one year to someone who needs you? Maybe you’ve been blessed financially, maybe spiritually, how can you change someone’s life? My gifts are obvious, & so in my case my home is always open to others. I’ve been blessed to be present for a number of people, as they've begun their journey in recovery. Understand this is not about paying for someone’s rent, or helping someone study for a math test. This is about being there each and every moment that you’re needed. It means being present for a person in a way no one ever has. It means being the rock that begins a foundation that can change a lifetime. Maybe your spirituality can offer a new perspective; you’ve just never been willing to share it. Maybe your home has an extra room, & your heart has room to love someone that you’ve not been willing to invest in emotionally. Maybe financially you find yourself in a position to help a family, or change a life, to pay for someone’s “hockey” season. Can you make time to go to every game?

My heart breaks each and every time addiction takes another, & not just for the lost life, the ruined talent, but more for the family that invariably lost a chance to save their loved one, or the friends who missed an opportunity to change a life. These are the real tragedies, because while someone’s suffering has ended, someone else's just begun. The never ending, tortured questions: “did I do enough”? & more often then not the answer is the same, “no”, “no, you didn't”.

Truth Sucks, Love; S.