- Whadda Ya Say About Addiction ?

- I guess the one subject I can burn eardrums about would be alcoholism & addiction. I grew up in a household where, our father found sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous, at the age of forty two. He passed away shortly after his ten year anniversary, on the 5'th of December, 1985. The significance of this in my life cannot go without saying; obviously. Although the memories of Dad's drinking are few and fairly unimportant, the attitudes and behaviors I remember of myself are like huge neon signs screaming out a warning. I can tell you about a man named "Blake Morton", who molested me and a number of other boys in Windsor, from the mid seventies through the early eighties, I can also tell you how Mom & Dad swept it under the carpet for fear of an embarrassing family story. I could tell you that Dad was the most distant and un-affectionate parent I knew; how I had friends, whose parents hugged me more in one day than Dad did in a lifetime. I could tell you that being the only boy & the youngest in a family of five ((4 older sisters)); left me with female qualities no boy should ever take to school, however unwittingly. I could spew stories of how mom signed me over to my eldest sister's care two months after Dad passed so she could be free. I could tell you how I was living in the back seat of my Grandfather's car within two years, and not a single member of my family, raised so much as an eyebrow to assure my safety or try to intervene in my life to steer me back on track. I could go on & on about how I landed in a treatment centre by 22 years old, with one child born out of wedlock, a list probably a dozen deep of sexual partners, and an "uncomfortable itch". I'm not bragging, trust me, the way our house was run when Dad was alive; would not condone me losing my virginity out of wedlock at the tender age of 18; let alone bedding a dozen or so different young ladies by the age of 22. The thought of losing this gift of purity to anyone but my wife today weighs heavy even now. I'm blessed to have four beautiful children, but they deserve far better than the beginning I failed to provide. Mom & Dad taught us that, I owe it to them to make this point very clear.

So Yea, I could go on & on, hell let's face it I already have, and am I still a little bitter? Well in my best, dysfunctional, diseased sarcasm, NO I'm Fine! No; I'm not Fine! At 38 ((11/23/68)), I'm manipulative, angry, short tempered, controlling, dealing with the beginnings of a very real; Unhealthy; appreciation for "Oxycodone Hcl/acetaminophen" prescribed for the damaged disc and possible lesion in my low-back. Worry not; I've already reached out to some great people in my life that I can honestly say I've relied on to hold me accountable. I've not made it this long "on my own". I can thank Dad, for the tools, they were laid out for me without me even seeing them. What hurts deeply today is that I've four beautiful, successful, sisters, who barely know the first thing about me. They could answer basic questions about the person, but have no clue with regard to the man. I've been hurtful to them yes. I've also taken full responsibility for my actions each and every time. The most recent incident involved a mean and hurtful e-mail. This was more a "lashing back" than anything else, and the first time in probably twelve plus years that I have deliberately directed any anger their way. Only two of the four can even remotely begin to take any joy in my rehabilitation. These are the only ones who have ever even attempted to take an interest in my life or who I am. I'm barely an afterthought to the other two. They've spent more time trying to argue the point that they have invited my wife and I to various functions than actually picking up a phone to involve themselves in our lives. Let's not forget that "I can pick the phone up too!" That doesn't do me any good when e-mails, apologies, and phone calls all go ignored. Bitter? NO, I'M FINE !

Any Success, I have I share with Friends, Wife, co-Workers ... That's It. I watch my wife share with her Mom & Dad, sisters, brothers-in-law; & I thank God for them. Were it not for these people, ((save two sisters, their husbands & children)); I'd have no family at all. I'm becoming keenly aware that it's unhealthy for me to put all of that need squarely on my wife, and our children. We are closer to my Ex-Girlfriend ((Daughter's Mom)) and her husband than we are to most members of my immediate family; not for lack of trying on our part.

This is the damage, addiction does. It is not just the practice of using, or abusing a given substance or behaviour, it is; without question; the guilt one feels and the eventual vicious circle this creates, the distance created when a family shuns one of it's own. The embarrassment felt on both parts. The hurt feelings, I can allow to heal, others refuse to let go of. It's the anger, Oh Dear God, the anger that burns and festers and destroys individuals from the inside out. (((Refer To Previous Post Here...Love Is A Decision...))) I have never, nor will I begin now, to give up on Love and Relationship. You see friends I have found the secret to forgiveness, I have even forgiven Blake Morton, I've learned forgiveness for many of wrongs done in my life, intentional and otherwise. I've had to accept a rather interesting and fairly simple fact.

"If I have the ability to hurt and wrong others; by way of my illness and Dis-Ease, and am therefore entitled to be forgiven; then how can I hold onto resentment and nurse grudges?" I am worthy of forgiveness no matter the crime, as much as others are entitled, and this acceptance frees me, NO END. Free at Last, Free at Last !!! I desire, no I long for a healthier, happier life for myself first, and in turn I can be better to; and for, those whose lives I touch. This Base Desire/Longing, empowers me to reach as high and far as possible; to remove any and all obstacles that may limit me and thus prevent me from achieving my goals. Our families and loved ones deserve nothing less than our absolute best. A desperate willingness, and the freedom from forgiveness, can combine to allow any change imaginable in any ones life. I pray this freedom for each of you ... Love, S.