So, after recent events, I’m a little apprehensive about writing but I have to empty the vessel. It’s been almost two years now, but I remember all too well, my sisters & I, taking it in turns as we sat watch around my mother’s bed, never leaving her alone for a moment as this life slowly slipped away. Not lost on any of us was the reality that we each had our own memories of the same dance, played out with our father. It is an experience that few share, to stare deeply into the eyes of a loved one, a parent as life trickles away, like sand falling into the bottom of an hour glass. Those who've been there can relate to the helplessness in that moment, how completely powerless one feels, unable to stop the grains falling, one by one, while life ebbs away. You’d give anything for one last walk along the beach, one last bag full of sea shells & drift wood.
If you’ve been “there” then you know; the life, the essence of the person that’s there, the light that shines “through”, the light that vanishes in the moments after they’re gone. Those that haven’t can’t begin to comprehend the experience. This isn't meant to be combative; it’s the sharing of an experience that is unique. It’s like trying to describe parachuting to someone who’s never even been in a plane.
What I learned was the reality of how little we know, how small we really & truly are. From those moments with my father; as distant as those memories are, through to the moments with my sisters & our mother so recently, this truth is as close as their dying breaths, warm and moist against our cheeks, as we kiss them goodbye.
Few are brave enough to stare at death as it spreads its grasp over another. The reasons are many, “I don’t do hospitals”, “I want to remember them the way they were”. Fear has a way of giving itself many names, but make no mistake fear is fear. Yet, it is the most loving, & selfless act we can bestow on someone we claim to love, to swallow our pride and hold the hand of another as this life slips away.
In the months that have followed; our little house here on Moore, Ave. has said goodbye far too many times. Sara and I try to remember them all, but we lose count now. Is it a sign that we are getting older & loss comes with age? No, I don’t believe so; I really don’t know what to believe, & I like it that way. I hold very dear the notion that wisdom comes from the acceptance of our ignorance.
We’re fairly certain that at least 9 funerals have touched us in the last 21 months, and most recently we've yet again been called upon to step away from the business of life, jobs, school & sport to circle the wagons with family, and honor the life of a loved one.
In the months that have followed; our little house here on Moore, Ave. has said goodbye far too many times. Sara and I try to remember them all, but we lose count now. Is it a sign that we are getting older & loss comes with age? No, I don’t believe so; I really don’t know what to believe, & I like it that way. I hold very dear the notion that wisdom comes from the acceptance of our ignorance.
We’re fairly certain that at least 9 funerals have touched us in the last 21 months, and most recently we've yet again been called upon to step away from the business of life, jobs, school & sport to circle the wagons with family, and honor the life of a loved one.
That makes 10 …
I am not blissfully ignorant because I choose to accept the wisdom that exists in “not knowing”; I am, as a matter of fact; teachable in that moment. It is that very “teach-ability”, that showed up on the door step of the St. Pierre family some 20yrs. ago. I remain immeasurably grateful that it did. It is in that willingness, that teachable ignorance that I found a new life.
What I found in this incredible family are people that expect nothing; accept unconditionally; love completely; and welcomed me with a warmth that must be experienced to be believed. Very quickly, I realized that the way I was choosing to live my life was far from worthy; of such affection. I needed to change, and the change came, was welcomed and continues to be celebrated with every baby step, and each passing day.
I am not blissfully ignorant because I choose to accept the wisdom that exists in “not knowing”; I am, as a matter of fact; teachable in that moment. It is that very “teach-ability”, that showed up on the door step of the St. Pierre family some 20yrs. ago. I remain immeasurably grateful that it did. It is in that willingness, that teachable ignorance that I found a new life.
What I found in this incredible family are people that expect nothing; accept unconditionally; love completely; and welcomed me with a warmth that must be experienced to be believed. Very quickly, I realized that the way I was choosing to live my life was far from worthy; of such affection. I needed to change, and the change came, was welcomed and continues to be celebrated with every baby step, and each passing day.
On October 31’st, 2012 we said goodbye to the physical man that was Albert Joseph St. Pierre; the patriarch of the family that welcomed me into its fold. What continues to leave me absolutely dumbfounded is that they didn't have to. I gave this family every reason to run me out of town, to put as much distance between me & their daughter, niece, sister and cousin as humanly possible, and the only question they had for me was: “What do you need for Christmas”? Every Christmas since I’ve had presents under the tree with my name on them.
The best example of this spirit of love & acceptance was the man we said our good byes to, just days ago. It is from him, & his children, his grandchildren and his son, (my Father-in-law), that I take my lead. Our home is an enduring example of these life lessons. It is not lost on me personally that my Uncle and Aunt have the same lessons for us. The very same Uncle I said goodbye to, just a few months ago. The Internet is full of people with access to Miriam Webster – On Line; it is vomitus with “keyboard intellects” that spew volumes, & take no action.
Some time ago, my sister asked for examples of things that her friends and family do to aide against bullying. I have a very strong dislike for anything that even resembles discussion of one’s “good works”, but in the spirit of contribution, I listed the activities that we, as a family, have done, hoping that we may spark ideas in others. I won’t discuss them here, as my sister’s FB timeline is, thus far the one & only time I've felt comfortable to do so. Yet the idea remains: one’s actions should stand alone, to announce them devalues them, at least I feel that way. For me, today, these living examples have set the standard. Their actions have lit the way, & so my actions must stand alone.
Thank you for all you are, all you've been, and all you continue to be. Whenever I see your face in my son’s reflection, whenever I hear and see the art that our children create, whenever I hear the wisdom from your son, my father-in-law: it's in these things that I understand the truth behind eternal life. The eternity lies in those of us that live on, the lessons we take forward; both good & bad, the faces in our children, the faces in our mirrors, the wisdom in our families.
The best example of this spirit of love & acceptance was the man we said our good byes to, just days ago. It is from him, & his children, his grandchildren and his son, (my Father-in-law), that I take my lead. Our home is an enduring example of these life lessons. It is not lost on me personally that my Uncle and Aunt have the same lessons for us. The very same Uncle I said goodbye to, just a few months ago. The Internet is full of people with access to Miriam Webster – On Line; it is vomitus with “keyboard intellects” that spew volumes, & take no action.
Some time ago, my sister asked for examples of things that her friends and family do to aide against bullying. I have a very strong dislike for anything that even resembles discussion of one’s “good works”, but in the spirit of contribution, I listed the activities that we, as a family, have done, hoping that we may spark ideas in others. I won’t discuss them here, as my sister’s FB timeline is, thus far the one & only time I've felt comfortable to do so. Yet the idea remains: one’s actions should stand alone, to announce them devalues them, at least I feel that way. For me, today, these living examples have set the standard. Their actions have lit the way, & so my actions must stand alone.
Thank you for all you are, all you've been, and all you continue to be. Whenever I see your face in my son’s reflection, whenever I hear and see the art that our children create, whenever I hear the wisdom from your son, my father-in-law: it's in these things that I understand the truth behind eternal life. The eternity lies in those of us that live on, the lessons we take forward; both good & bad, the faces in our children, the faces in our mirrors, the wisdom in our families.
To each of you I owe a debt that can only be repaid by a life well lived, & so here I will leave words behind, & allow actions to show my gratitude ….
- Thank-you, I Love You, & Miss You All, Love; S.
- Thank-you, I Love You, & Miss You All, Love; S.
