- Man oh man, I loathe the feeling of being stuck; yet here I am. I am absolutely committed to getting better, and being more consistent. I've made quite a few notes in the notebook Lisa gifted me over the holidays; I'm just not quite sure how to get it from the book to the blog. At my last appointment with Dr. Bill I had a fairly powerful moment regarding my father. I've had a very deep longing, a pull really; to head back home and visit his grave. I thought that it had more to do with the holidays approaching, so I ignored it. Dr. Bill's direction? Maybe I should go. There may be answers waiting for me. I tried to write a letter to him ((Dad)) after my appointment, while it stirred some very real emotion, I found myself unable to get through it. Again, a very frustrating sense of being stuck! Here I sit, feeling qualified to reach out to others and lend a hand. Willing to share my experience, strength & hope if only to benefit someone in need. All the while I'm so overwhelmed with feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and regret over my past. I feel ripped off, used, and most of all; completely disregarded by every member of my immediate family. I reached out to a sibling before the holidays, in the hopes of coming to some sense of understanding, only to be told it was probably the last time we'll ever talk. Not that this really bothers me as I said basically the same thing to three of them some time ago, I thought that this may be an opportunity to move ahead. Sara and I received an invitation to visit and I hoped that it may lead to some dialogue. There is an overwhelming feeling that along with my father, I've lost any hope of relationship with three of my four sisters. It's honestly a loss that I never imagined. I have lived a lifetime hoping to be a part of their lives, now I'm faced with the reality that I'll most likely never know them. I can go on and on about, how many ways they've continued to wrong me and judge me, but it all leads to one thing, the bitterness and resentment I continue to feel. It has carried on since my childhood and I simply want to be free from it. I wish there was a switch I could hit that would make it all better, but it simply comes down to their bitterness, anger and hatefulness. I know this without question. Allow me to point this out, I wake up every day, willing to change. I approach each moment of my life, since January 15/1997, desirous of change. It is not because I feel I need to be different, it is only because I seek to be open and submissive. I choose to be ready when that change is necessary in my life. I've not found anything like that in any conversations with these siblings. Quite the contrary, I've been blamed, accused, and held accountable for things I've made amends for years ago. I simply don't feel I need to allow myself to be an afterthought, for another Thirty-Nine years. Maybe, heading home will bring some answers.
- Romans 8; 28-39 - More Than Conquerors ...
28-And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
31-What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
36-As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
37-No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38-For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39-neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
