- Living, In the wake of the masters ...

Weep For Joy

Happy Day, I'm in love, with an amazing woman.
She blesses me, no end and beyond that ...
I look to her eyes, and see future loves,
when we share joy, happiness and passion.
We hold one another, and breathe hot; long breaths,
clutching, unwilling to separate.

It is her song; that stays on in my heart,
lifting me up, bearing me on til tomorrow.
Such is the face of love; changing, and growing;
stumbling, and righting itself.
It lives, and dies, yet for me there is always tomorrow,
in her arms, Oh Happy Day!

- written; Friday, February 29'th/2008, 3:09p

A Love Song

Reject me not if I should say to you
I do forget the sounding of your voice,
I do forget your eyes that searching through
The mists perceive our marriage, and rejoice.

Yet, when the apple-blossom opens wide
Under the pallid moonlight’s fingering,
I see your blanched face at my breast, and hide
My eyes from diligent work, malingering.

Ah, then, upon my bedroom I do draw
The blind to hide the garden, where the moon
Enjoys the open blossoms as they straw
Their beauty for his taking, boon for boon.

And I do lift my aching arms to you,
And I do lift my anguished, avid breast,
And I do weep for very pain of you,
And fling myself at the doors of sleep, for rest.

And I do toss through the troubled night for you,
Dreaming your yielded mouth is given to mine,
Feeling your strong breast carry me on into
The peace where sleep is stronger even than wine.

DH Lawrence

- What's Your Choice ?

- I can decide to get up out of this chair right now, take a shower, clean the house, run the stairs doing laundry that needs not be done. IT IS MY CHOICE! I can choose to berate my wife, pointing out all of her faults, as I see them, leaving nothing to chance and in the process removing any shred of self esteem she may posses, again it is My choice. I can choose to wait for the children to get home and proceed to tell them all of the things they've done wrong. Focusing especially on the work their mother has, yet again, done in their rooms; and how they've let her down by not keeping up on the very simple task of picking up after themselves. Lay the guilt & shame on thick! My choice! I could head downstairs, grab the bottle of Mojitos that Sara bought on Sunday past, and pour myself one long, stiff cocktail; much needed as I've been without pain meds all week. My choice! Who's going to stop me? I've read two peoples comments, in four, plus months of writing; let alone the time it would take to find me, get to me, and physically try and stop me. Maybe I'm drinking that cool, minty refreshment as you read. It is and will always be; My choice! I am a grown, 6'4" tall; 220lb man. I am very aware of my size, and my ability to use that size any way I see fit. Each and every thing I've mentioned here; and far more, are, and will continue to be My choice. I choose; consciously, my actions, and inter-actions with others, each and every day. By now; I hope you see that I am very aware of my shortcomings. So much so, in fact that I choose to keep them in the fore front of my awareness daily. I choose this because I hope to benefit those around me each day. I do not; ever, want to do any of those things, ever again. Yes, I am guilty of most of these behaviours at one time or another. It sickens me to say so, but again, here is my truth.

- Today, I choose to love first always. I make this my one and only goal; each moment of every day. Love first. This means when I'm being spoken to; I offer the benefit of doubt. I choose to put my love and affection for the person who is speaking; ahead of my opinion on what they may be saying. It is a fairly easy concept. Many is the time when I disagree, or take issue with something said. It remains unfortunate that I was born with a free will, and an opinion. Many is the time when I will take a defensive posture in conversation. I am after all human, and fallible. My goal will always be to allow for an open and honest dialogue, where the person I'm sharing with feels heard, feels valid, and most of all, feels understood. I want them to know that I get it, and that I appreciate their part in the conversation. When I allow myself to go to that place where I'm feeling attacked, I will always try to force my point. My defenses go up and I begin to explain, and site "reasons why". This is all unnecessary; when I put love, compassion, and a desire to hear what's being said, first. A willingness to understand is an absolute, must. A passionate desire to allow someone the freedom to be themselves, goes a long way as well. God gave us a free will, and wants us to love ourselves for who we are. Why can't we do the same for each other? I'm still praying for you ... It is; after all, My choice! Love, S.

- A Heavy Heart, Weightless By Her Vision ...

- Beyond frustration ... Beyond Grief ... Past all sense of even willing to try ... I'm not even certain why I'm waking up each day. I've read the book of Job, I know faith. If you've read anything here you are aware that I believe, and would not do anything, selfish or stupid. It is quite beyond any of that at this point. In a recent piece I wrote about a desire to be available for everyone. There is no greater truth for me. Let me note here that there is no desire for sainthood in that statement; it is a very real, deep sense of calling. I long to find my self in a place where I can talk, converse and work with others. I'd like my therapist's job! I would like to think that I have the freedom to be myself, to explore this part of myself at home. I don't. Do I talk too much? Yes, I do. Quite often; in the therapists chair, we find ourselves at the end of a very long journey, spent and thoroughly exhausted, sitting upon an exhilarating epiphany. Talking, discussion, debate are all the means of transportation needed to arrive at this powerful moment in our personal lives. The therapist provides the fuel, that we often cannot find at home. Why must we pass judgements on the ones we claim to love the most? Why must we constantly put ourselves in the role of victim; taking each and every statement like it's an attack on our person? Each of these issues with communication, and far more that tend to crop up are all easily solved in one fell swoop. For those we love, we provide the benefit of doubt. Choosing always to love someone first. Simply making note of what's been said, allowing for the person to be human and fallible, remembering your desire to love this person, and seeking clarification when the opportunity is available. I screw this up all the time, yet I'm aware of the necessity and willing to provide the grounds to those around me always.

- An important moment for me; "in the therapists chair", was when I finally understood that my vision for our children could be ((and most likely is!)) completely different and foreign to their vision for themselves. In that moment I understood the freedom they will require, moving forward. A freedom that screams, "I like myself, I like what I'm becoming, and I like where my life is going." What must I provide, for each of them to accomplish this goal? Put simply, I have to put my wants and needs aside. I must freely share my experience, without expectation that they will heed it, at all. Quite honestly this is all I aspire to.Unfortunately, I rarely have the freedom to do this. Most times my opinions, feelings, thoughts and ideas are stifled and assumed to be attacks. I would be less than honest if I failed to note that there are times when I am heard and my words have an impact; yet, the very thing I ran from in childhood, seems to be my lot in life as of late. I refuse to allow my siblings to treat me this way, so I've consciously decided to distance myself from their lives. Now I find myself feeling like an afterthought in the lives of those whom I hold most dear. I take time out to realize that we are on top of one another more than ever before, and Sara is affected deeply by this. Even in the earliest days of our relationship, she would take time with friends, make a point of seeking out time away. This I have no issue with, it is the distance between our hearts that is most difficult to endure. I've not shared anything quite this personal before so please appreciate how difficult it is to pen, such painful thoughts. I wake daily, unsure if I'll be a married man at the end of the day. This is far beyond insecurity, it is not knowing my partner anymore. There are moments sublime, awash with passion, and joy where I feel like we've never been closer. In the very next moment, I couldn't even begin to guess as to what went wrong. I will take ownership of my own ills. I have a great need to communicate, talk. I also, become angry, loud and vulgar far too easily, although that area continues to improve. I have little if any direction in my life since the work injury in October / 07, and I can be very needy. It's funny to me though; that we had a real plan; to be together, to raise a family, to see what the future had in store and role with the punches. We looked forward to grandchildren, and the boys growing up. Now we're barely surviving each day. I love every minute with her, and quite enjoy the time, looking forward to simply making plans for our time each day, quite the contrary it feels like she is looking for ways to get as far away as possible, and reasons to be gone. This could all be completely wrong, I may be so far off the mark as to be in the wrong area code. It is after all my perception. I am a fallible human being.

- I had a great afternoon with my wife today, and enjoyed her excitement with her new camera. I had a bit of an epiphany while with her. I've spent YEARS, quite literally, feeling that "I WANT", to do God's work, "I WANT", to find a way to serve Him. "I WANT", to make a living doing His works. I've never stopped to think, or consider what "God Wants" of me. I should make a note here that I will be exclusively using Sara's Photo's from this day on. I would like to pledge that any images used in my pieces, will be the exclusive work of Sara. So enjoy the world, as seen through her eyes. I know I do. Pray for me, my pretties, I'm praying for you !

- Love, S.

- Seeking Peace & Victory ...

- How do I become, completely free from all "Vulgarity" ? Any thoughts ? The screaming, yelling and vulgarity; when anger consumes me, continue to be the biggest struggles in my life. I wouldn't say my "day to day" life suffers, but my conscience certainly does. It could be a concerted effort that goes completely awry, or flying totally off the handle at a moments notice. It embarrasses me to say this but, here is my truth. I can say, without fear of contradiction that the periods of "concerted effort", are better. I am open and honest about my struggles, especially this one. My family know, very well, how much I've struggled in this regard. Both, first hand and through my requests for forgiveness. Although, I don't direct any derogatory remarks at anyone, nor have I ever become physical in my anger yet there is no doubt that my wife and children suffer as a result of this behaviour. I'm not looking to become a saint here, I would simply love to be free of this foul pitfall. You may scoff, you may find yourself in utter disbelief, but know this as my sincerest wish. If by chance I had a single wish, it would not be for money, or any other type of power, it would be to never, swear, scream or raise my voice in anger or frustration again.

- Past experience tells me that the first step is realizing and then admitting to the problem. Having done this already, I feel that putting it out there is the next obvious step. I've been told that when it becomes important, it will obviously become a priority and I will have the ability to over come it, as I did with drink, and cigarettes. Being free of these things as long I as have, it is now glaringly painful, that this issue persists. Recently, my "Volume & Vulgarity" have come to the forefront of discussions with Sara, and I have had to accept the fact that, while the problem has improved, it needs to take priority. When coupled with a controlling, manipulative, and insecure personality, the result is volatile to say the least.

- Back a couple of years ago, I had asked for a small gold pendant. I remember my father getting one on his tenth sobriety anniversary. I wore a silver chain and pendant for years, commemorating my first year in sobriety. After my ninth year; I shared with Sara only, that God willing I make ten years, I would like to have a small gold pendant to commemorate this milestone. Well, today I found and purchased one that I look forward to putting on my chain. I had the back of it inscribed with the date I hold very dear: Jan.14/97 and a scripture that empowers me deeply. The chain I will put this pendant on is the chain I have for my tenth wedding anniversary. January 14'th / 1997 is the day I took what was to become my last drink of alcohol to date; The book of Romans, Chapter 8, tells me that I am much more than I ever believed myself to be, that I am eternally enveloped in God The Father and His love, through His Son; Jesus Christ. It may be to celebrate all this change in my life, it may be to commemorate some milestone in my history. I may be bringing together, these two amazing happenings for me, ten years in sobriety and ten years in marriage. I want to do it going forward though, I want it to mean more than the monetary value of the gold itself. I want to know that the victory didn't end with alcohol and cigarettes. I will ask for your prayers, knowing I've asked before. It feels like the time has come to Grow Up. It has always felt to me that a man with a vast vocabulary, shouldn't have to resort to vulgar, foul language. A man of wisdom, and high moral fiber, should count himself better than that. While I don't hope to sound too high on myself, I would like to think that I should have come far enough to gain victory in these areas of my life. If nothing else I want to be a blessing to my wife and children, I want to benefit them each day as opposed to polluting their ears with my lack of self control, my infantile tantrums, and foul mouthed, inability to express my fears. The true root of all my anger.

- Maybe this day, My God will bless me with freedom from this dark part of my being. I know His power and ability already, as I am a miracle in His creation. My continued existence is a living breathing proof of His mercy. To Him be all the Praise, and Glory, as well it should be. I submit myself as a willing servant, desirous of change, that others may see and believe in His power, ability, mercy, and love. I will once again ask and wait patiently for your input. Peace and Love ! - Love, S.