- Beyond frustration ... Beyond Grief ... Past all sense of even willing to try ... I'm not even certain why I'm waking up each day. I've read the book of Job, I know faith. If you've read anything here you are aware that I believe, and would not do anything, selfish or stupid. It is quite beyond any of that at this point. In a recent piece I wrote about a desire to be available for everyone. There is no greater truth for me. Let me note here that there is no desire for sainthood in that statement; it is a very real, deep sense of calling. I long to find my self in a place where I can talk, converse and work with others. I'd like my therapist's job! I would like to think that I have the freedom to be myself, to explore this part of myself at home. I don't. Do I talk too much? Yes, I do. Quite often; in the therapists chair, we find ourselves at the end of a very long journey, spent and thoroughly exhausted, sitting upon an exhilarating epiphany. Talking, discussion, debate are all the means of transportation needed to arrive at this powerful moment in our personal lives. The therapist provides the fuel, that we often cannot find at home. Why must we pass judgements on the ones we claim to love the most? Why must we constantly put ourselves in the role of victim; taking each and every statement like it's an attack on our person? Each of these issues with communication, and far more that tend to crop up are all easily solved in one fell swoop. For those we love, we provide the benefit of doubt. Choosing always to love someone first. Simply making note of what's been said, allowing for the person to be human and fallible, remembering your desire to love this person, and seeking clarification when the opportunity is available. I screw this up all the time, yet I'm aware of the necessity and willing to provide the grounds to those around me always.
- An important moment for me; "in the therapists chair", was when I finally understood that my vision for our children could be ((and most likely is!)) completely different and foreign to their vision for themselves. In that moment I understood the freedom they will require, moving forward. A freedom that screams, "I like myself, I like what I'm becoming, and I like where my life is going." What must I provide, for each of them to accomplish this goal? Put simply, I have to put my wants and needs aside. I must freely share my experience, without expectation that they will heed it, at all. Quite honestly this is all I aspire to.Unfortunately, I rarely have the freedom to do this. Most times my opinions, feelings, thoughts and ideas are stifled and assumed to be attacks. I would be less than honest if I failed to note that there are times when I am heard and my words have an impact; yet, the very thing I ran from in childhood, seems to be my lot in life as of late. I refuse to allow my siblings to treat me this way, so I've consciously decided to distance myself from their lives. Now I find myself feeling like an afterthought in the lives of those whom I hold most dear. I take time out to realize that we are on top of one another more than ever before, and Sara is affected deeply by this. Even in the earliest days of our relationship, she would take time with friends, make a point of seeking out time away. This I have no issue with, it is the distance between our hearts that is most difficult to endure. I've not shared anything quite this personal before so please appreciate how difficult it is to pen, such painful thoughts. I wake daily, unsure if I'll be a married man at the end of the day. This is far beyond insecurity, it is not knowing my partner anymore. There are moments sublime, awash with passion, and joy where I feel like we've never been closer. In the very next moment, I couldn't even begin to guess as to what went wrong. I will take ownership of my own ills. I have a great need to communicate, talk. I also, become angry, loud and vulgar far too easily, although that area continues to improve. I have little if any direction in my life since the work injury in October / 07, and I can be very needy. It's funny to me though; that we had a real plan; to be together, to raise a family, to see what the future had in store and role with the punches. We looked forward to grandchildren, and the boys growing up. Now we're barely surviving each day. I love every minute with her, and quite enjoy the time, looking forward to simply making plans for our time each day, quite the contrary it feels like she is looking for ways to get as far away as possible, and reasons to be gone. This could all be completely wrong, I may be so far off the mark as to be in the wrong area code. It is after all my perception. I am a fallible human being.
- I had a great afternoon with my wife today, and enjoyed her excitement with her new camera. I had a bit of an epiphany while with her. I've spent YEARS, quite literally, feeling that "I WANT", to do God's work, "I WANT", to find a way to serve Him. "I WANT", to make a living doing His works. I've never stopped to think, or consider what "God Wants" of me. I should make a note here that I will be exclusively using Sara's Photo's from this day on. I would like to pledge that any images used in my pieces, will be the exclusive work of Sara. So enjoy the world, as seen through her eyes. I know I do. Pray for me, my pretties, I'm praying for you !
- Love, S.
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