- How do I become, completely free from all "Vulgarity" ? Any thoughts ? The screaming, yelling and vulgarity; when anger consumes me, continue to be the biggest struggles in my life. I wouldn't say my "day to day" life suffers, but my conscience certainly does. It could be a concerted effort that goes completely awry, or flying totally off the handle at a moments notice. It embarrasses me to say this but, here is my truth. I can say, without fear of contradiction that the periods of "concerted effort", are better. I am open and honest about my struggles, especially this one. My family know, very well, how much I've struggled in this regard. Both, first hand and through my requests for forgiveness. Although, I don't direct any derogatory remarks at anyone, nor have I ever become physical in my anger yet there is no doubt that my wife and children suffer as a result of this behaviour. I'm not looking to become a saint here, I would simply love to be free of this foul pitfall. You may scoff, you may find yourself in utter disbelief, but know this as my sincerest wish. If by chance I had a single wish, it would not be for money, or any other type of power, it would be to never, swear, scream or raise my voice in anger or frustration again.
- Past experience tells me that the first step is realizing and then admitting to the problem. Having done this already, I feel that putting it out there is the next obvious step. I've been told that when it becomes important, it will obviously become a priority and I will have the ability to over come it, as I did with drink, and cigarettes. Being free of these things as long I as have, it is now glaringly painful, that this issue persists. Recently, my "Volume & Vulgarity" have come to the forefront of discussions with Sara, and I have had to accept the fact that, while the problem has improved, it needs to take priority. When coupled with a controlling, manipulative, and insecure personality, the result is volatile to say the least.
- Back a couple of years ago, I had asked for a small gold pendant. I remember my father getting one on his tenth sobriety anniversary. I wore a silver chain and pendant for years, commemorating my first year in sobriety. After my ninth year; I shared with Sara only, that God willing I make ten years, I would like to have a small gold pendant to commemorate this milestone. Well, today I found and purchased one that I look forward to putting on my chain. I had the back of it inscribed with the date I hold very dear: Jan.14/97 and a scripture that empowers me deeply. The chain I will put this pendant on is the chain I have for my tenth wedding anniversary. January 14'th / 1997 is the day I took what was to become my last drink of alcohol to date; The book of Romans, Chapter 8, tells me that I am much more than I ever believed myself to be, that I am eternally enveloped in God The Father and His love, through His Son; Jesus Christ. It may be to celebrate all this change in my life, it may be to commemorate some milestone in my history. I may be bringing together, these two amazing happenings for me, ten years in sobriety and ten years in marriage. I want to do it going forward though, I want it to mean more than the monetary value of the gold itself. I want to know that the victory didn't end with alcohol and cigarettes. I will ask for your prayers, knowing I've asked before. It feels like the time has come to Grow Up. It has always felt to me that a man with a vast vocabulary, shouldn't have to resort to vulgar, foul language. A man of wisdom, and high moral fiber, should count himself better than that. While I don't hope to sound too high on myself, I would like to think that I should have come far enough to gain victory in these areas of my life. If nothing else I want to be a blessing to my wife and children, I want to benefit them each day as opposed to polluting their ears with my lack of self control, my infantile tantrums, and foul mouthed, inability to express my fears. The true root of all my anger.
- Maybe this day, My God will bless me with freedom from this dark part of my being. I know His power and ability already, as I am a miracle in His creation. My continued existence is a living breathing proof of His mercy. To Him be all the Praise, and Glory, as well it should be. I submit myself as a willing servant, desirous of change, that others may see and believe in His power, ability, mercy, and love. I will once again ask and wait patiently for your input. Peace and Love ! - Love, S.
No comments:
Post a Comment