- Well, once again I find myself making excuses because it's been a couple of weeks. Yet, if you know me then you know the reason's are certainly valid. If you don't, then keep reading ...
- Truth is I've been dying to get to this point. but today is the first time my eyes have let me. I'm sure there is a long road ahead but being able to focus on the keyboard for more then two or three sentences, & a "status update" is pretty cool, I must say. In today's status I wrote that "it's the feeling, experiencing a thing". I woke up to a man working on a roof down the street. His faith moved him to break into song, & we were all treated to his beautiful singing voice as he sang spirituals for a half hour. It was truly an amazing way to wake up. During one of his songs, I remembered a moment in the hospital, just before the first lumbar puncture, when I realized the course my life had taken. I understood that I had not only chose sobriety 14yrs. ago, I had decided to experience the remainder of my life with the cleanest, most sober mind possible. It was in that moment that fear of the lumbar puncture left & in it's place I found acceptance, and anticipation. While I never looked forward to any of the testing, I found myself willing to endure the experience. Then they asked to do a second the following day!
- It was hard enough to consider the MRI, let alone someone sticking needles in my spine, & then they asked for a second round of each! Of course I wasn't happy, but I was willing. I understood that this is what I'd chosen 14yrs. earlier. I made the decision, on January 14'th, 1997 to live, to experience the remainder of my my life, with a clear mind, with all of my senses firing, alive, ready, & in tact.
- Trust me when I say, that is the thing; to live. It is to experience, to taste what life has to offer. To grab the apple, sink your teeth deep into it, and savor it's flavor as you feel it's juice run down your chin. These are the questions I'd ask. When it's cold outside, have you paused to feel the sting of cold on your cheeks? Have you ever run through a puddle? Have you ever run through a puddle, with your child's hand in yours, with your lover's hand? Have you ever run outside as the torrential downpour starts; raised your face to the heavens as the rain pounds down? This is what life has to offer, & so much more, and I have lived it. I look forward; albeit with a touch more trepidation to living, experiencing it, tasting it all.
- I spoke with my brother today, about all of this. I shared with him the lowest point of it all. Sure father's day was pretty cool, the boys worked hard to make it that way; Josh even riding his bike to get coffee first thing in the morning. Sara made certain supper was amazing, & some cool gifts were in place, & she found the most moving card I've ever received. Who would've guessed it would end in the hospital, fearing a stroke, or worse with eyes that were trying their hardest to imitate a chameleon. As the neuro-team talked about brain tumors, cancer, & too many other horror stories; Sara and I tried to digest it all. Left alone, however briefly, I had my thoughts & no answers.
- I did know that there were three boys, still living at home that needed a father, & at least one of them dreamed of university. It was here that I felt the lowest, I experienced a letting go I pray none of you ever go through. I made two phone calls in that moment, one was to a sister to make certain my son realized his dream, & the other was to my brother, to discuss what it is to be a father to these boys. It was easily the most painful, & terrifying moment of my life so, far. Know this, I lived it. I experienced that moment. As that dark, brooding rainstorm brewed up; as the skies rumbled, and the sinister clouds grew, I ran out side with my family on my heart, & I lifted my face to the sky. The rain drops, big as golf balls, pelted my face, & hot tears streamed down my cheeks, I lived it. The moment feels like an eternity on my heart, as I write about it, & I think that's a good thing because there lies the proof that I paused to experience it. For me, that's living.
- I've said; "2011 has sucked so far", & I've been wrong. You see, it's only been four, or five months. When I consider the steaming piles of shit we've experienced, I think of the roses that have bloomed; & that is the way of things, isn't it? Too many are those that never learn to appreciate the good, the little things. My first tattoo was made with a sewing needle stolen from my mother's sewing kit, & Indian ink stolen from my father's art supplies. I was 13yrs. Some 29yrs. later, I just sat for number 30 something. There are always the same, cliche questions from the same people, "did it hurt?", "where'd you get it done?". Occasionally I get grief from those who just don't get me, yet they have opinions that most of us really don't care to hear. Tattoo's have never been about money, never been about numbers, not for me. My body, & my life are mine. I answer to my wife, my children, & no-one else. I appreciate concern, but I know myself better today then ever before. On Tues. July 12'th, I honored an agreement with my sisters, I honored my mother, & I took the biggest step yet toward actually finishing a tattoo piece. I'll finish my leg, more beautifully then I would've guessed. As I sat, I thought of mom, the moment in my sister's basement that the idea first came up. I watched Jay work, & I pondered the previous few months. I found myself so proud to be part of such a strong family. We've endured so much, we lived so much in such a short period of time, life certainly waits on no man. Time races on, like a spoiled, angry little child, demanding the shiniest cereal box from the grocery store shelf. It cares for no one, or no thing. My thought, ... Have you ever paused to live it? Have you stopped, long enough to take in the entire moment? Can you look back to that one time, recall the tastes, smells, the textures, remember each emotion? Without question, life is for the living, I pray each of you aren't dead before your time!
Love, S.
