- Apologies ...
- It's been far too long since my last post. I was convinced that I'd dazzle your eyes, & touch your hearts; maybe even move you to tears with my latest revelation. You may be surprised to find out how wrong; I truly turned out to be! Settle in my lovelies, I've a bitchin story to tell. Last weekend I was able to sit for thirty minutes; I actually had my oldest boy sit with me. It was very cool. I had a C.T. Scan the week previous and looked forward to receiving the results this week; I should tell you here, that I was instructed not to hold my breath as the nurses may tell you four to five business days but it's usually more like a month or two.
While listening to an interview with Jon Kabat-Zinn, I found myself very moved by a statement he made. He spoke about the mistake we, as parents, make when we place our expectations on our children. He spoke directly to my heart in that moment. I could see my own short comings and how this very same mistake had held me back. By doing this; we rob our children of the freedom they require to embrace who they see themselves becoming. Had that been done to me? What about you, can you see this in your own childhood? I'm determined not to let it happen to our kids. So I proceeded to talk to them immediately. This knew found knowledge would not sit vacantly, in my heart. Surely, I can accept that my vision for my children's' future can and, undoubtedly will, clash with their own vision for themselves. But the very fact that I have this knowledge, and am willing to share it with them can make a landmark impact in the history that is my small family. I've always maintained my desire to send free thinkers, (("Dry Sponges; Ready to Absorb All That's Available")) out into this world. Therefore the moment I'm aware of such an important piece of information, I'm obligated to share it with them. This is also how I came to sit with my oldest boy. To have such a powerful practice at my fingertips and not expose him to it, would almost be criminal in my mind. Ultimately; the decision to adopt it as a part of his life, is his to make, but the responsibility to give him the tools is all mine.
So you can see the positives I've enjoyed coming into this week. The C.T. Scan was quite "non-invasive", and altogether uneventful. The financial challenges continue to present themselves and, as always, we deal with them as they come. We're eating well, the boys are getting to school and bills are getting paid. Sara's enjoying her job beyond description and I'm really happy with the therapy sessions. It's nice to go home with a very real sense of accountability. The chiropractor is proving beneficial, I just don't know how long term the help will be. Into this week we come ...
I looked forward to Friday, knowing that I would attend an appointment with the family Doctor right after an appointment with Dr. Colledge. I have every confidence in Dr. Green, he's been very thorough with us, and very attentive with the boys. As I sat in his office my biggest fear was that he'd tell me that the tests had found nothing, I really wasn't even concerned about whether or not the report had come yet. The belief that I must be faking, and seeking out attention is surely some labelling, accusatory memory left over from my childhood. I simply wasn't prepared for what I heard. Let me back up to the initial injury, it goes back three or four years. I was spinning tires at work and bent over the spinning machine for a few days. I was lead to believe that I had bulged a disc in my low back. I was told that it seemed the "L5" disc was bulging and some therapy would alleviate this discomfort. Years later I figure I've just re-aggravated the same injury. I was totally unprepared to hear the Doctor tell me that he has no way to explain why a Thirty-Nine year old man has "Multi Level Degenerative Disc Disease". The report showed; that as the nurses preformed the scan, from my " L2" to my "S2", four discs showed signs of "Degenerative Disc Disease". Two of those showed bulging, one of these showed herniation. A far cry from a minor bulge in my "L5" !!!
- Shock?
- Ha! That's an understatement!
It's hard to be positive, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't run around. I've spent every waking moment; since January 15, 1997, working on being a better man, a better husband and a better father. The biggest joy I take in life is being able to play a little basketball with my boys. I don't want riches, monetary wealth, cars, or boats ((although a fifty footer, to tour the lakes would be cool)), I seek nothing but the company of my wife and children. Outside of this I might enjoy the company of family and friends. How do things like this happen, and why me?
Why not me !? Sometimes when we're stuck, I'm convinced, the universe will give us a nudge in the next direction we're destined for. Maybe this is my nudge. Some spend years waiting for answers, I got mine in a week or less. Any direction you might send along is welcomed. It never ceases to amaze me; how I can have this great plan in place, like this deeply inspirational piece I wanted to compose, so I can share this great epiphany with you all, and in a moment, in one breath, I'm humbled yet again. I find myself, so very grateful for the knowledge shared with me; to be able to appreciate each moment, I was there for them and found myself able, and willing to accept ... Thank-You All, Love, S.
