- Do You Have A Key ?

- So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me? You may be surprised! 

Trust me, there's no happily ever after at the end of a rainbow, there's been surprisingly few rainbows! No spiritual epiphany, I've actually spent more time questioning my faith then I'd ever imagined. No; it's been life, on life's terms. Sorry for the douche bag cliche', but it really is that. No filters on the end of cigarettes, no lens to protect my retina from the sun, as I peer through my telescope, no pads as I get hit on the football field, not even any salt & pepper to take away the bland flavor; it's really just life; & then there's me; living it head on, with no pain meds. to look forward to. 

Personally, this many years in, I'd have it no other way. I get to say, "I did that, bet you can't", like finishing off a root canal with no freezing, "I did that, bet you can't"; or a 4 hr. tattoo sitting; "I did that, bet you can't"; two lumbar punctures, & two MRI's in two days, with just myself, & my wife's hands to guide me, no meds., "yep, I did that". Hey, it's not for everyone, some women approach child birth naturally, some take the epidural. I understand, today I know why some prefer natural is all. Life,  on life's terms. 

Yesterday, I spoke of those friends, acquaintances, or family members that have an opinion on everything, those who just can't bring themselves to admit, "they don't know", sometimes it's these very people who make our work lives a living hell. These are the same people who, when we share something we've just accomplished, must have a story that they themselves have done the same thing, only better. You know people like this, we all do. They're the ones who's back pain is worse then yours, & they fought off 6 ninjas while doing groceries. 

I share this so you'll appreciate what I've learned, in 15yrs. 20 years ago, I was full of shit. I'd lie to my mother, & my grandmother, to get $20 for a pack of butts, & 12 beer. I'd steal your parents wedding set to pawn it for a bag of dope. I was lower then dirt. Then I saw a mirror, & in the background, behind my own reflection was my wife, holding our newest baby ... 

 - ("hi Joey", the little voice said; "my god, what have I become", "Sara, I'm so, ... so very sorry", my little voice said) ...

I hated what I became, I detested; loathed, the evil, dirty little thief I saw. The liar & cheat that I was. In a moment I was immediately willing to do anything to change, no task was to much to become worthy of the others I saw in that reflection. I had found what I needed to be different, & I made instantly, a once & for all decision.

 - So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me? That not everyone can change.

For each one like me, that finds sobriety & change; there are countless others that won't make it. It's is a sad, tragic truth, but there it is. There will always be those people who need to compete with your back pain, because theirs is far more tragic. No therapy will help them, no family intervention will matter, no medication will make a difference, it is a sad tragic truth, yet there it is. It would seem some just lack the desire, & fortitude necessary to pull themselves from the muck, & mire of their gloom. 

The 3'rd edition of the "Big Book", Alcoholics Anonymous has a great story that teaches us about acceptance, & certainly acceptance is the key. I don't need anyone to change, if I focus my efforts & energy on my own happiness, & make myself a positive focal point for those around me, then the negative people won't matter. You see, for those people; if they want to change, then I can be a beacon of change. If they are adverse to change, then they usually stay away; & history proves, they rarely come back. When I chose to live this way, I immediately became a living example, a walking billboard if you will, for change. Those that want it gravitate toward it, & soak up any knowledge like a dry sponge in water. Those that don't run like rats off a sinking ship. I've lived it, ... for 15yrs. !

- So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me?

Anything is possible, for those with the willingness, desire, & strength to go after it. Strength isn't just stories retold, add absurd-um, it can be a very quiet, un-heard, & un-seen force in someones life. There will always be those who can't get it, or don't want it. Be it strength, wisdom, or change, they're just not interested & it is truly heart wrenching. There will always be bullshitters, I was one. Those people who are mind numbingly, relentlessly, pathetically, in need of competing with every word you say. The words, "I don't know", or "wow, you just taught me something, cool! thank-you". just don't exist for these people. I've learned that to truly live this lifestyle, & honestly be a beacon of change, I must accept everyone, just the way they are. 

I must accept the bullshit, right along with the person spewing it. It's hard, painfully hard sometimes, but I choose it. Without filters, or medications clouding my perception, It becomes very easy to see, in that same mirrored reflection; the people who chose to love me through my own bullshit, & I must pause & be so eternally thankful for them. How many come screaming back, not through the reflection, but the now cleared away fog of my memory? This is, after all, life on life's terms right?

- So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me? ... I am one lucky S.O.B. !!!

        Love; S.

- Family 1'st ...

It doesn't take a genius to know that we've experienced our share of loss in recent months. By some counts as many as 10 funerals in the last 14 mos. One small part of our family has lost a wife, aunt & (grand)father in just under 5 mos. time. Just in our home, I've said goodbye to my mother, my best friend's father, a dear family friend, & my uncle, in just over 12 mos.

To say we are reeling is an understatement. I don't believe, "shocked", or "devastated" quite covers it either. I believe it is safe to say, we are mostly in survival mode, & auto-pilot is fully engaged. When my siblings & I were growing up, our Aunt Sharon & Uncle butch were the home away from home, family that we could go to, to ride dirt bikes, have bon-fires or just do the stuff we'd never get away with at home in the city. If you wanted your hair washed in the sink, ... just stand in line ...

Now, I think of Aunt Sharon. She's said good-bye to two sisters & her husband in one year. Is anyone hiding under a rock at this point? I know I'm terrified to go outside most days! Good grief, what do we take out of it all? What does it mean? Is there even the simplest bit of positive to glean from any of it?

 - Let me share mine ...

In January of 2011, I had one sister I was talking to, three that I wasn't, & I knew what my final arrangements would be. On the way back from Windsor, after consulting with a funeral director & the one sister I was talking to, I made certain my wife was aware that my "final wishes" would be met. Suffice to say, they were very selfish, petty, & oh so very vindictive. Jump ahead 15 mos. & I have four sisters that I'm staying in contact with, we are each giddy with excitement when we talk & meet. We plan times to be together, & yes, we are genuinely "giddy" when we get together. It's amazing to share this much love, & it feels great.

Through all of the grief, & loss I've witnessed family; coming together. Southern states visiting northern climates & Northern climates heading south. I've witnessed family that hasn't connected in weeks, months, & sometimes years, hit the ground without missing a step; like they've been across the street the whole time. I've seen an Aunt, that just lost her husband stepping out of her own grief to comfort her niece. Each & every family, throughout history has their baggage, their junk. Some put it in storage, only to take it out when it's convenient. I know, I've nursed grudges long after they grew teeth & started biting! Yet, recently I've woken up to realize that I live in a family that much prefers to throw it's garbage out, & leave it for the trash man. We prefer to seek out opportunities to love, rather then waste valuable energy chasing after the garbage truck. "Hold on, I need to be pissed off & bitter, just a little longer". There's far too much love to be had, to waste our time & energy on such petty things.

Those who know me, know well of my passion for philosophy, for the ancient thinkers. Wisdom comes from experience after all, & what is history, if not the story of experience. When batting around bullshit during a family meal, or offering plays to the coaches from your armchair, how many of us are willing to say, "I don't know"? You all know them, the one person who is the resident expert on everything. That family member who has an opinion on every topic. I'm not that guy, I much prefer; "I don't know". Maybe it's because I grew up with four sisters, mom had 5 sisters, & as a result I was trained well. I prefer Socrates line of thinking though; "I am wise; because I know, that I know nothing". Here lies all the truth you'll ever need.

You see, 15 mos. ago, "I knew" I had one sister, today I have four. 15 mos. ago, I had a family of five, here in Aylmer, Ontario. Today I can't count them all; from Florida, to Arizona, to Dryden, Ontario. 15 mos. ago, I knew what my final arrangements would be, today "I know", my opinion, or my wishes won't matter nearly as much as the family left behind. It's their grief, their sense of loss that will require closure. Their tears will need to be wiped away. I human terms, it was not all that long ago that "we knew" the world was flat, & "we knew" men would never fly ... today, I submit, "we know nothing" ...

So, what does it mean? Is there even the simplest bit of positive to glean from any of it? For me, I look for the single thread that I can pull, & weave into something beautiful, always have; & there it is:

- in January of 2012, I sat here bitter, angry, telling anyone who would listen I had one sister, & my family of five, & needed nothing else.

Today, ... what would I do without you all!?

 - I know nothing ...

Can you say that? You may be able to recite the words, hell anyone can, but can you wear your human insignificance, & ignorance on your heart, like a badge of honor?

 I can, & I do so willingly, every day, so that I know I'll remain, ... teachable ... }:)

        Love; S.