It doesn't take a genius to know that we've experienced our share of loss in recent months. By some counts as many as 10 funerals in the last 14 mos. One small part of our family has lost a wife, aunt & (grand)father in just under 5 mos. time. Just in our home, I've said goodbye to my mother, my best friend's father, a dear family friend, & my uncle, in just over 12 mos.
To say we are reeling is an understatement. I don't believe, "shocked", or "devastated" quite covers it either. I believe it is safe to say, we are mostly in survival mode, & auto-pilot is fully engaged. When my siblings & I were growing up, our Aunt Sharon & Uncle butch were the home away from home, family that we could go to, to ride dirt bikes, have bon-fires or just do the stuff we'd never get away with at home in the city. If you wanted your hair washed in the sink, ... just stand in line ...
Now, I think of Aunt Sharon. She's said good-bye to two sisters & her husband in one year. Is anyone hiding under a rock at this point? I know I'm terrified to go outside most days! Good grief, what do we take out of it all? What does it mean? Is there even the simplest bit of positive to glean from any of it?
- Let me share mine ...
In January of 2011, I had one sister I was talking to, three that I wasn't, & I knew what my final arrangements would be. On the way back from Windsor, after consulting with a funeral director & the one sister I was talking to, I made certain my wife was aware that my "final wishes" would be met. Suffice to say, they were very selfish, petty, & oh so very vindictive. Jump ahead 15 mos. & I have four sisters that I'm staying in contact with, we are each giddy with excitement when we talk & meet. We plan times to be together, & yes, we are genuinely "giddy" when we get together. It's amazing to share this much love, & it feels great.
Through all of the grief, & loss I've witnessed family; coming together. Southern states visiting northern climates & Northern climates heading south. I've witnessed family that hasn't connected in weeks, months, & sometimes years, hit the ground without missing a step; like they've been across the street the whole time. I've seen an Aunt, that just lost her husband stepping out of her own grief to comfort her niece. Each & every family, throughout history has their baggage, their junk. Some put it in storage, only to take it out when it's convenient. I know, I've nursed grudges long after they grew teeth & started biting! Yet, recently I've woken up to realize that I live in a family that much prefers to throw it's garbage out, & leave it for the trash man. We prefer to seek out opportunities to love, rather then waste valuable energy chasing after the garbage truck. "Hold on, I need to be pissed off & bitter, just a little longer". There's far too much love to be had, to waste our time & energy on such petty things.
Those who know me, know well of my passion for philosophy, for the ancient thinkers. Wisdom comes from experience after all, & what is history, if not the story of experience. When batting around bullshit during a family meal, or offering plays to the coaches from your armchair, how many of us are willing to say, "I don't know"? You all know them, the one person who is the resident expert on everything. That family member who has an opinion on every topic. I'm not that guy, I much prefer; "I don't know". Maybe it's because I grew up with four sisters, mom had 5 sisters, & as a result I was trained well. I prefer Socrates line of thinking though; "I am wise; because I know, that I know nothing". Here lies all the truth you'll ever need.
You see, 15 mos. ago, "I knew" I had one sister, today I have four. 15 mos. ago, I had a family of five, here in Aylmer, Ontario. Today I can't count them all; from Florida, to Arizona, to Dryden, Ontario. 15 mos. ago, I knew what my final arrangements would be, today "I know", my opinion, or my wishes won't matter nearly as much as the family left behind. It's their grief, their sense of loss that will require closure. Their tears will need to be wiped away. I human terms, it was not all that long ago that "we knew" the world was flat, & "we knew" men would never fly ... today, I submit, "we know nothing" ...
So, what does it mean? Is there even the simplest bit of positive to glean from any of it? For me, I look for the single thread that I can pull, & weave into something beautiful, always have; & there it is:
- in January of 2012, I sat here bitter, angry, telling anyone who would listen I had one sister, & my family of five, & needed nothing else.
Today, ... what would I do without you all!?
- I know nothing ...
Can you say that? You may be able to recite the words, hell anyone can, but can you wear your human insignificance, & ignorance on your heart, like a badge of honor?
I can, & I do so willingly, every day, so that I know I'll remain, ... teachable ... }:)
Love; S.
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