- So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me? You may be surprised!
Trust me, there's no happily ever after at the end of a rainbow, there's been surprisingly few rainbows! No spiritual epiphany, I've actually spent more time questioning my faith then I'd ever imagined. No; it's been life, on life's terms. Sorry for the douche bag cliche', but it really is that. No filters on the end of cigarettes, no lens to protect my retina from the sun, as I peer through my telescope, no pads as I get hit on the football field, not even any salt & pepper to take away the bland flavor; it's really just life; & then there's me; living it head on, with no pain meds. to look forward to.
Personally, this many years in, I'd have it no other way. I get to say, "I did that, bet you can't", like finishing off a root canal with no freezing, "I did that, bet you can't"; or a 4 hr. tattoo sitting; "I did that, bet you can't"; two lumbar punctures, & two MRI's in two days, with just myself, & my wife's hands to guide me, no meds., "yep, I did that". Hey, it's not for everyone, some women approach child birth naturally, some take the epidural. I understand, today I know why some prefer natural is all. Life, on life's terms.
Yesterday, I spoke of those friends, acquaintances, or family members that have an opinion on everything, those who just can't bring themselves to admit, "they don't know", sometimes it's these very people who make our work lives a living hell. These are the same people who, when we share something we've just accomplished, must have a story that they themselves have done the same thing, only better. You know people like this, we all do. They're the ones who's back pain is worse then yours, & they fought off 6 ninjas while doing groceries.
I share this so you'll appreciate what I've learned, in 15yrs. 20 years ago, I was full of shit. I'd lie to my mother, & my grandmother, to get $20 for a pack of butts, & 12 beer. I'd steal your parents wedding set to pawn it for a bag of dope. I was lower then dirt. Then I saw a mirror, & in the background, behind my own reflection was my wife, holding our newest baby ...
- ("hi Joey", the little voice said; "my god, what have I become", "Sara, I'm so, ... so very sorry", my little voice said) ...
I hated what I became, I detested; loathed, the evil, dirty little thief I saw. The liar & cheat that I was. In a moment I was immediately willing to do anything to change, no task was to much to become worthy of the others I saw in that reflection. I had found what I needed to be different, & I made instantly, a once & for all decision.
- So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me? That not everyone can change.
For each one like me, that finds sobriety & change; there are countless others that won't make it. It's is a sad, tragic truth, but there it is. There will always be those people who need to compete with your back pain, because theirs is far more tragic. No therapy will help them, no family intervention will matter, no medication will make a difference, it is a sad tragic truth, yet there it is. It would seem some just lack the desire, & fortitude necessary to pull themselves from the muck, & mire of their gloom.
The 3'rd edition of the "Big Book", Alcoholics Anonymous has a great story that teaches us about acceptance, & certainly acceptance is the key. I don't need anyone to change, if I focus my efforts & energy on my own happiness, & make myself a positive focal point for those around me, then the negative people won't matter. You see, for those people; if they want to change, then I can be a beacon of change. If they are adverse to change, then they usually stay away; & history proves, they rarely come back. When I chose to live this way, I immediately became a living example, a walking billboard if you will, for change. Those that want it gravitate toward it, & soak up any knowledge like a dry sponge in water. Those that don't run like rats off a sinking ship. I've lived it, ... for 15yrs. !
- So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me?
Anything is possible, for those with the willingness, desire, & strength to go after it. Strength isn't just stories retold, add absurd-um, it can be a very quiet, un-heard, & un-seen force in someones life. There will always be those who can't get it, or don't want it. Be it strength, wisdom, or change, they're just not interested & it is truly heart wrenching. There will always be bullshitters, I was one. Those people who are mind numbingly, relentlessly, pathetically, in need of competing with every word you say. The words, "I don't know", or "wow, you just taught me something, cool! thank-you". just don't exist for these people. I've learned that to truly live this lifestyle, & honestly be a beacon of change, I must accept everyone, just the way they are.
I must accept the bullshit, right along with the person spewing it. It's hard, painfully hard sometimes, but I choose it. Without filters, or medications clouding my perception, It becomes very easy to see, in that same mirrored reflection; the people who chose to love me through my own bullshit, & I must pause & be so eternally thankful for them. How many come screaming back, not through the reflection, but the now cleared away fog of my memory? This is, after all, life on life's terms right?
- So what has 15yrs. of living clean & sober taught me? ... I am one lucky S.O.B. !!!
Love; S.
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