- Philosophy Writing Assignment 2, Due Date, 11/13/09 ...

Freud vs. Plato

Two Ideas of Love & Sex in Society

Both Freud and Plato espouse a concept valuing the roles of love and sex in society. Plato's philosophy taught the Ascent of Love noting the importance of educating, and mentoring youth in matters of love, for instance, the paradox in shame and pride associated with one's sexuality. From this point in the early development of a young person's sexuality, we could expect to see an acceptance of the beauty of one's own body, and eventually an understanding of true beauty in relationship, and the world around them. This could then lead to an understanding, and appreciation for true beauty in all experiences; and eventually a falling in love with knowledge, and wisdom.

Freud's position seems to stand on the suppression of natural, human instinct, or one's drive to further the species. In Freud's argument we see the human animal led, if not cowed into a socially accepted

form of behavior that diametrically opposes ones' natural state of being, that of a sexual being driven to propagate the species. While both positions are, to me, an obvious flattery of the human act of sexuality; I feel it's important to recognize the danger in their underlying suggestion of sexual freedom in ones' youthful, developmental years. It is certainly true, especially with the freedoms available in today's society, that an education, or mentoring of an individual's position as a sexual being is valuable. We must, however, be constantly aware of just how fragile the individual in question may be to such suggestion.

We may take seriously, the opportunity to view the opinion of someone who has been on both sides of this argument. One, who has been inappropriately exposed to their own sexuality at a very tender age, may have some rare insight to this question of sexual suppression, or sexual mentoring. I would contend that some such individual, who has experienced such an act, and come through it, healthier and more well adjusted then most, by way of the experience and subsequent recovery, may very well have exquisite insight to offer. Taken at face value, the idea of sexual freedom and sexual mentoring for the purpose of one's education in matters of love is a radical, if not compassionate idea. Left to the masses, it becomes a tool to be abused, a loving concept twisted for ulterior motives.

In the Symposium we read about love as a technique, a skillful art one is expected to learn. Love between the elder and the younger teaches the delicate balance between shame and pride. We read of love's common lower form, and how the pursuit of love's higher form is enduring, and virtuous leading to moral excellence. In Agathon's speech we read of love's divinity, how love is inspirational and wills us toward excellence and goodness. Finally, in Socrates' discourse with Diotima we learn of the ascent of love:

"The correct way", she said, "for someone to approach this business is to begin when he's young by being drawn towards beautiful bodies. At first, if his guide leads him correctly, he should love just one body and in that relationship produce beautiful discourses. Next he should realize that the beauty of any one body is closely related to that of another, and that, if he is to pursue beauty of form, it's very foolish to regard the beauty of all bodies as one and the same. Once he's seen this, he'll become a lover of all beautiful bodies, and will relax his intense passion for just one body, despising this passion and regarding it as petty. After this, he should regard the beauty of minds as more valuable" … (Plato, 2000)

Freud discusses the dysfunction of sexual suppression in his book Sexual Morality and Modern Nervousness. In these chapters, he argues for the injurious effects of the rising tide of imposed, sexual morality on society. He points out, rather effectively how current society is quite literally inundated by those things around us, and his writing in this area is remarkably transferrable to today's lifestyle, what with the forms of media and entertainment we are subject to. He shows, by way of example, the affect this phenomenon has on individuals and the resulting neurosis. In any case, the lack of education, suppressed urge or desire, and/or suppression of knowledge inevitably lead to some resulting negative behavior. Undoubtedly, this is illuminating reading for one who has experienced any of these behaviors:

"Clearly, education does not look lightly on the task of suppressing the sensuality of the girl until marriage, for it employs the most drastic measures. It not only forbids sexual intercourse and sets a high premium upon the preservation of sexual chastity, but it also protects the developing young woman from temptation by keeping her in ignorance of all the facts concerning the part she is ordained to play, and tolerates in her no love-impulse which cannot lead to marriage. The result is that when the girl is suddenly allowed by parental authority to fall in love, she cannot accomplish this mental operation and enters the state of marriage uncertain of her own feelings", … "When later the retarded development of the wife becomes rectified, and during the climax of her womanly life the full power to love awakens in her, her relation to her husband has been long undermined. As a reward for her previous submission, there remains for her only the choice between unappeased desire, infidelity, or neurosis". (Freud, 1938)

I quite willingly accept both positions as valuable. First the idea that a suppressed sexual desire will undoubtedly lead to distorted ideas of love and relationship, and ultimately neurotic, if not deviant sexual behaviors. Second, the notion that it is imperative to educate an individual, however youthful, of their position as a sexual being, and the healthy ability we each possess to embrace this part of ourselves; as well the value in this education to lead us toward wholesome, loving relationships. Simply put, experience leads me to caution. As a husband and father of four, ages eleven to twenty, I see value in education. I also see education, tempered with a healthy dose of reality as essential.

If I may paraphrase a classmate: during lecture she (nameless) noted that in her opinion it was rather healthy to enjoy a lifestyle where she entertained multiple partners, in an effort to meet her need for sexual fulfillment. Her gratification was the ultimate, end all, be all goal of this endeavor, she was quite happy to live her life thus. On the surface, one might think she was a well adjusted young woman, healthy enough to speak her mind, and take a stand on a rather contentious topic. I would certainly hope that she is prepared for the inevitable consequences that arise from this lifestyle. Here I would argue for Plato's Ascent of Love. In this formula, a guarded, healthy education allows for the understanding of love for one's own body, a sense of absolute respect for one's self. Subsequently we learn to find love in oneother; from this position we stand to learn love of humanity in all its forms, and love of the mind (person) as an individual. This speaks to me of a learned respect and appreciation for ones' self and the dignity of others in an enduring quest for personal growth and knowledge, if that doesn't sing of Love in its purest sense, truly, I ask, what does?

- Submitted for your consideration, for those who know, the purge was done, Long Ago !!!

- Love, S

- More Writing Assignments ...

- what follows is an assignment handed in, Wednesday; 10/14/09

both posts, from yesterday (10/13/09), and today are expamples

of the work I've been doing for school, not meant to be fun reading

by any stretch of the imagination, hope it's at least, "me' ...

Polytheistic vs. Monotheistic

An Opinion of the Hindu Religious Tradition

Is Hinduism polytheistic or monotheistic? I don’t know that that there is a short answer to this question. While it is certainly true that I have a great deal to learn about the Hindu tradition, the few short chapters we have studied thus far lead me to believe that this Religious Tradition, and it’s rituals are as vast as those people that practice it. Something that jumps out at me is the idea of one person as the representative of an entire faith, dictating theology, and making finite decisions that govern practice & worship tradition. In my opinion, this is the very point that makes the Hindu Tradition as rich and varied as it has become. The tradition has survived with no one individual, wholly in governance over it. As various, and sundry are the needs of its people, so have become the distinctives that define it as a Religion.

In The Rig Veda we’ve met Agni, Indra, Soma, Vishnu, and Rudra, just to name a few. These are Gods of fire and sacrifice, The King of the Gods, Gods of asceticism and minor Gods who at the very least, are relatives at best! When trying to answer the question, one might be tempted to look to this part of Hinduism’s history and refer to the Gods of the Rig Veda, as the end all, be all answer. I think this would amount to selling this vast tradition short. From the Upanishads we learn of the law of Karma, Reincarnation, and that the cycle of birth, death and re-birth is to be regarded as some sort of tortuous existence. The Laws of Manu give us a path to follow, that eventually lead to a oneness with Brahman, or the Truth. In the Epics we see the Gods coming to the rescue of earth bound creatures, saving us from ourselves, and our fallen humanity. Through the Puranic texts, the Gods Visnu, Shiva and Brahma take on a hierarchy, and whether you follow Shiva or Visnu, by this time one of them is in charge of it all.

My own experience leads me to compare this tradition with the one that I know best, Christianity. In my forty years, I’ve had some very difficult dealings with organized Religious Tradition, and have come to regard much of it as corrupt in every way. To see something as free to interpretation, as The Hindu Tradition seems to be, is refreshing to say the least. In The Christian Tradition we have a monotheistic faith that recognizes God in three forms, “The Holy Trinity”. Yet one could argue that the Catholic Christians’ have raised Christ’s mother Mary to the level of deity, or that the “Saints”, as appointed by the Vatican, are raised to the level of deity. Good grief, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention those childhood memories where I witnessed members of my parish praying at the feet of a statue of Joseph, so much for no Idol worship!

In any light, if the Christian Tradition is monotheistic, by definition, then how can I, as a lifelong practitioner of this faith, in one form or the other, recognize the Hindu Tradition as anything less? Conversely, having witnessed the practices of those Christians I’ve seen, over forty years, how do I define one tradition as polytheistic and not the other? Hopefully I’ve not led you too far off course, and by this point you can see my dilemma. To answer the question I would have to refer back to my original point, that being the people who practice Hinduism as a tradition. Thus the question is posed, is Hinduism polytheistic or monotheistic? Through its history, it seems that there has always been one truth. Be it Indra, the King of the Gods, defeating Vrtra and freeing the waters, or the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent Brahman. This one truth stays consistent throughout.

In this same way, it seems that each individual journey is one that leads to this same, cosmic, individual truth; therefore I would have to surmise that, while the number and history of the God’s in Hinduism would suggest a polytheistic tradition, it seems more likely that a monotheistic journey in faith is likely here. I arrive at this conclusion simply by recognizing that no one experience seems to be taken lightly. As was pointed out in lecture; there was no one person correcting the version of any given idea, or interpretation. Each new addition to the experience was accepted and eventually added to the tapestry. As problems arose, solutions were offered and accepted, as valuable. Whether you worship, Visnu, Shiva, Brahma, or a combination of the three, it seems like Brahman is the destination. I feel that if we’re looking for an answer to a monotheistic or polytheistic question, we need look no further than the Abrahamic Faiths of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. If a commonality links these three, than certainly, there is a commonality in the vast root system of the Hindu Tradition.

- if you made it this far, Thanks !!!

- Love, S.

- Informal Writing Assignment / Philosophy, Sept. '09 ...

- what follows is an assignment handed in on Friday, 10/09/09 ...

just so you can see where my efforts have been,

Nature vs. Nature
A comparison of Stoic and Epicurean Attitudes toward Nature

When one considers the Stoic view of nature one might encounter a blique, static view of the world and what it must be like to exist in it. “Nothing is of value except an attitude adapted to the natural organization of the cosmos”. (White, 1983) Conversely, the Epicurean idea seems upbeat, and positive especially when reading Epicurus own writings; “I recommend constant activity in the study of nature; and with this sort of activity more than any other I bring calm to my life”. (Epicurus, 1994) If we pause to understand that these individuals were not so much engaged in study, as they were expected to espouse these teachings as a way of living out their lives, we can now see how dreary the Stoic Philosophy was, by comparison.

Whereas one could see the Stoics view of nature as rigid and something to be accepted without condition, one might see the Epicurean view of nature as something attainable. The Epicureans would see the “swerve”, as a means to affect change in one’s life; nature’s opportunity to “spin the wheel”, while we would make the best of whatever spot it landed on. It almost seems that the Stoics were content to accept their station, while the Epicureans were willing to seize opportunities for improvement.

I would surmise that both the Stoics and the Epicureans saw Nature as Divine; that living according to Nature was as much as endeavoring to exist in harmony with one’s circumstances. To live outside of nature, in my estimation, would be all of those things that amount to agonizing over one’s station. The complaints we hear about finances, the complaints about people, and the constant dreariness over sickness & disease. The “woe is me”, that accompanies those who can find no positive thing about which to think or feel.

While I don’t feel this is the only instance for living outside of Nature, I thought it the most descriptive, and maybe the most familiar. From here we can draw comparisons, to many other instances. We can then plainly see the many instances for living according to nature, and see how in doing so, we’re not given to begrudging “The Gods”, and those things divine; for our circumstances. By grieving our station, and reeling against the cosmos, we find ourselves crest fallen, and bitter; whereas choosing to live according to Nature, we endeavor to accept, and embrace our lives, we find ourselves, neither high nor low, and quite harmonious with the world, if not the cosmos, therefore in harmony with the divine.

I would certainly be willing to accept the Stoic view of blind acceptance. Here we train ourselves to stare blankly at a fallen world, tolerant and patient, perpetually compliant, yet never really seizing upon any opportunity, and thus never risking failure. Acceptance doesn’t suggest I agree though. It’s certainly a valuable trait, but on its own suggests one miserable existence. “An uneducated person accuses others when he is doing badly; a partly educated person accuses himself, an educated person accuses neither someone else nor himself”. (Epictetus, 1983) For the purpose of this argument, I would have to lean toward the Epicurean view. At the very least, here there is the opportunity for change, and a strong sense of divine intervention. While they would undoubtedly look toward a plausible, “scientific” explanation for events happening around them, there was a divine sense about nature and those happenings. We were part of something bigger than us all.

In my experience, it is a far better thing to accept the things of “nature” happening around us. Raging, and reeling against the world around us is most assuredly an exercise in futility. At the same time not being able to adjust to change, can prove just as frustrating. Our world is a fast paced, ever changing, heartless, and cruel place. It has mercy for no one, failure to accept this, and prepare for change is a recipe for heartbreak. I’ve seen the truth in beauty in our world, sharing in the birth of my children; or sitting at the Table Rock Restaurant in Niagara Falls, Ontario. In both of these instances I was allowed to witness such strength, beauty, and the fragile nature of the cosmos, I found myself humbled to be sure.

On January 15’Th, 1997 I made the personal decision to refrain from drinking alcohol. I moved to St. Thomas in September of 1998, here I took up an employment opportunity with a heavy duty truck builder. During our tenure with the parent company, Freightliner, my colleagues & I built the Sterling Model truck. We were encouraged, and many of us successful, in our pursuits to learn as many aspects of the process as possible. I found myself as a painter, a welder, in assembly, and toward the end, in a Team Leader capacity. In each area, one could expect to meet innumerable people and as many personalities. As one might expect, each of these had different opinions. Too many to mention, are the times my wife and I were invited out for social occasions where drink flowed freely, far too many are the opinions I encountered, that told me drinking was perfectly safe, that I should just relax, and trust myself. Certainly, I agree that this practice is both healthy, and safe when done in moderation, and with the correct intentions, my wife has enjoyed many a cocktail, with little or no effect on her person. For me, the effects are very different. Experience counts for much!

I rely on experience in most things, at this point in my personal life; I find nothing else to be as reliable. As a forty year old, husband and father of four, I can attest to the fact that a stove requires time to cool before we approach it with a wash rag, experience counts for much! I’ve attended many a wedding, many a funeral, any number of birthday’s and family celebrations. One event stands out; that is a dear family friend whose parents celebrated a twenty-fifth anniversary. It was certainly a splendid affair, where food and drink flowed freely. As nature would have it, a number imbibed, some far too much. As has been my practice, for some thirteen years now, I chose to remain abstemious. There, in that very moment, I draw upon experience to seize the opportunities for change, to exist better in the world around me, and to better benefit those persons who’ve come to count on me, as husband, father, & friend. “Of the things which wisdom provides for the blessedness of one’s whole life, by far the greatest is the possession of friendship”. (Epicurus, 1994)

- get that into ya, eh !?

- Love, S.

- Bill Tucker is a Shortsighted Idiot !

- not my usual post, this has left me completely disgusted with my "peers", & I shutter to call this man a peer. But, undoubtedly in many ways he is.
- Is it a tragedy when a child dies? What a stupid question, right? But there it is ...
- Is it tragic when we lose a loved one? Same stupid question, but there it is.
How many cancer sufferers might have survived had we the education regarding tobacco products, even fifty years ago, right?
- Tragedy is, we did. The freedom of information act makes information available that would curl most of our toenails, and what's certainly most laughable, is that any one of us could pop into the Free library tomorrow and read it. This is not as much of a cover up any more as it is the media nourished, CNN placated, North American public that take every Katie Couric, A Channel, News Broadcast as gospel, and refuse to question anything anymore!

- Let's look at some readily available facts ...

- The US gun death rates are far higher than other industrialized countries, and among the highest recorded in the world. 2005 statistics indicate that the US had 10,100 gun homicides compared to 222 in Canada. While Canada and the US have comparable rates of homicides without guns (1.79 vs. 1.35 per 100 000), the US firearm homicide rate is 5 times Canada's (3.8 vs. 0.69 per 100 000) and the US handgun homicide rate is 7 times Canada's (2.83 vs. 0.39 per 100 000). The US also has 5.8 times the rates per 100,000 of robberies committed with firearms even though rates of robberies without guns are comparable. While some American states have regulations comparable to other industrialized countries, guns flow freely across state borders. The USA's 220 millions guns account for almost 1/3 of all the guns in the world. American guns don’t just kill Americans - they fuel the illegal gun trade and gun violence world-wide. At least half of the illegal handguns recovered in Canada and 80% of crime guns in Mexico originate from the US.

- please, read on ...

- Gun deaths in Canada continue to decline; Statistics Canada report shows death rates related to firearms lower over the past 25 years. Gun-related deaths are trending steadily downward in Canada, says Statistics Canada, even as high-profile shooting tragedies continue to raise public hackles. A report released Tuesday, June 28, 2005 - (as police in London, Ont., continued to investigate the horrific murder of a mother and two children) -shows that death rates related to firearms fell by more than half for men and by three quarters among women over the last 25 years. Gun-related homicides, suicides and accidents all declined in relation to the population size between 1979 and 2002, said the Statistics Canada study based on death certificates.

- but what about Toronto's summer of the gun ?

- Mike Hargreaves, is a fugitive from Canadian justice, living in a modest, two-storey stucco home a few kilometres from Disney World. Many of the 32 to 35 guns stolen from his Toronto apartment (machine guns, Glock handguns and assault rifles) are still on the streets.Though he once had many friends on the Toronto police force (Hargreaves was the man who successfully lobbied the force during the early 1990s to adopt the Glock semi-automatic handgun as its standard issue), that same force has a warrant out for his arrest, alleging his arsenal was improperly stored.

- that's right, Toronto' "Summer of The Gun", can be traced back to one collector. While Speculation abounds, regarding the "improper storage", of this man's firearms, his home was broken into and his firearms were stolen. The once, well respected, trainer of Toronto's Finest, and lobbier for the firearm that now protects them, and the residents they serve, a fugitive, or Scapegoat.

- I'm not here to lobby for firearms, I'm disgusted by a man who refused to take a $5000.00 donation from kids who broke their backs to raise money for their school. If Mr. Bill Tucker, did a little research, and looked at these readily available facts, as I did. (all info quoted from the net!) maybe he'd recognize what a fool he's making of himself. These same kids who's interests you profess to protect, have been, once again, let down by the adults their taught to respect. Good thing we have decent role models, like the ones you might find at EESA. Willing to teach, educate and encourage them. This same club has sent countless "students", off to represent their country at the Canada Games, and you liken them to killers, and criminals, how dare you sir! The numbers speak for themselves, whatever policies, and laws that are continually bickered in The House of Commons, our laws must be doing something right. We are a proud and humble Nation, the likes of Bill Tucker, and his ilk, will happily be gone and in the ground by the time this next generation takes over, trust me when I say, that's one thought they are holding onto, dearly. It is sad to say, but I hear it everyday, they are so sickened by the constant one minded, force feeding of opinion, they've had enough, and I sympathize. Ours is a "community household", it's full of kids everyday, playing music, studying, and generally hanging around. These are good kids, they're not running the streets, and they soak up the love we provide, un-conditionally. People like Bill Tucker, and his friends, re-enforce, the things that they find wrong with the world they live in, honor their efforts, don't stifle them!
- hope someone is paying attention !
- Love, S.

- All Five ...

- I wrote this as a Creative Piece for an assignment at Grade, December 12/08 ...

it takes a little thought, but most should figure it out, don't be afraid to comment, ask, I'll be all to glad to explain !

You Know Who You Are, All Five



There was this moment, perfect and eternal.


It was happiness and passion.


There was a yearning for some sense of my purpose there.


I saw her, and was immediately awestruck, without expression, and at loss for words.


I felt full, and complete, and terrified at once; to consider the future here was folly, a fools venture.


To look into your eyes was to see wonder, fear, and awe; was love there yet?


I remembered a loss, and another I'd not held in years, and vowed to be better.


Each second was infinite.


I believed in perpetual potential there and then; you alone gave me hope.


On days like today I wonder where I've failed you, how far removed from that moment are we?


Have I let you down? Had my father taken more time with me, would I be more forgiving?


I hope that my scars are lessons learned, dues paid on your behalf.


God willing, I leave this as a road map for you.

- it's definitely, deeply personal. I hope you like it, I'd be glad to respond to any questions ...

-Glasses Start Friday, Prayers Appreciated !

Love, S.

- Thank God, I'm A Dad ...

- Wow, it's late! It occurred to me that I didn't journal on my last day at Grade Expectations. Turns, out it wasn't my last day there anyway! My "last" day I ended up filling out my exit survey and sharing my Math final with everyone. Those young people truly affected me. I learned so much about myself, how lazy I can be, how I can still avoid work, like a plaque. Most importantly, I learned about that old "victim", lying in wait just under the surface. He is a Master of control, and manipulation. He uses guilt, like the Cake Boss, uses icing. It is a hard, embarrassing lesson, but truth I need, desperately to embrace, I'm acutely aware, that if I fail to get these issues under wraps, I will certainly fail at the opportunities that lie ahead. I am so excited to do God's work here, and what an unbelievable chance to do just that very thing.

So, to Trish, Pauline, Karen, Georgia, Chad, Mike, Julie, and the many staff, & students who weren't afraid of truth, I say, "thank you". To Shannon, & Kendra, I offer my sincerest, heartfelt apologies, for any uncomfortable moments, for any awkward confrontation, and to you, I offer my biggest Thanks, and heartfelt appreciation for all you've done, and continue to do.

I've watched facebook, not all of my weekend was spent in front of the "Trek Marathon"! I noticed how many parents were so excited to be sending kids off, while I recognize the sense of jest, I have to wonder, how little appreciation is out there for the gift of parenting. I've spent this last year, running from London, to St.Thomas, & back, on the average, of 4 times weekly. Between, school, my pardon, & registration at King's, it goes without saying, that much has been accomplished! Yet, I found myself with 13 days left to call, "My Summer". When we've typically had weekends, camped out, in Grampa's backyard, weekend trips to see family, or late movie nights, this summer has truly, passed me by! I know, I'll miss my kids as they head back. This year I'll look forward to Joey's grade 8yr. (he'll be looking at high school!), Josh's grade 10yr. (he'll be wanting his driver's lic. next summer!), Jack's grade 6yr. (he'll be choosing his instrument this year!).

My bottom line is how time moves so fast, it's over before we know it. While so many are all to happy to see them going, I'll be looking forward to them getting home, as I look forward, I see, that they leave far too soon, this world eats them up so quickly, relationships, are gone before we've really had a chance to explore them. Take time to let them piss you off, take time to learn from them, and give them forgiveness, take time to mend a broken heart, bandage a scuffed knee. Revel in those frustrating moments, they're over far too quickly! Take time to tell them how much you've appreciated the time you've shared, and make memories to last a lifetime.

- Time is an angry whore, desperate for her payment ... (S.Gaudette/03/07/08)

Thanks to all who continue to offer love and support, your time and encouragement, it means so very much

Love, S.

- Something Special ...

- I wrote this piece toward the end of January / 09. Special thanks to Pauline, as it was through her encouragement specifically, that I submitted this to, two separate publications for consideration. As of this posting, I've heard nothing back. While I openly admit the contentious nature of the piece, and that some specific readers may take offense, I encourage you to see the experience in it. We will each respond differently to an event, and therefore each of us will certainly have a different story to report, this is mine, seen, felt, & witnessed, at the time of Dad's passing, an impressionable 17 yr. old boy ...

Something Special

For me, it was a book cover. Most wouldn't think much of a book cover, but for me there was little thinking involved. When Dad passed away, some scrambled for his gold chains, others argued over his wedding ring or his family ring. Still others wanted his birthstone ring or his ivory cribbage board. I wanted nothing. It wasn't for spite, or malice, anger nor bitterness, as time put distance from the event; I could imagine no material thing that would comfort me. The memories, painful or joyous, were all I could embrace.

Those very memories led me to the doors of sobriety, and it was here that I remembered his book covers. How many he made, I will probably never know. They were mostly for "Big Books", but I can remember Father Herm's; it was hand crafted for that huge book on the altar. I remember some, much smaller, he'd made for friends' "O.D.A.A.T.'s", that daily meditation, pocket book. Still, the memories of his busy hands, and those memories his friends took the time to share with me, were enough.

Then came the day when mom left all of those boxes with us. She mentioned that no one had opened them in years, and told us to give away anything we didn't want. We've yet to give away anything! To paint a picture for others, I've often referred to the scene in the movie, "Raiders of the Lost Ark", where we witness the opening of the ark; it felt very much like that as Sara and I peered down into the box we'd just opened. There were handfuls of pictures, older than I am now, reams of writing, and papers full with doodles and sketches.

As if all of this weren't enough, I'm certain that I felt Dad nudge my shoulder to keep looking. "Slow down", Sara cautioned. There, on the bottom, lay all of his art supplies, all of his leather working tools, and, most breathtaking of all, as I looked forward to my fifth year in sobriety, I pulled from the box, the very, hand tooled, stained and finished, leather book cover my father had made for himself.

No, these boxes contained no gold, no ivory, no stones signifying the month of one's birth. Mostly, they held old doodles, art supplies, pictures, newspaper clippings, old posters, and magazines. We viewed thoughts and pondering, delivered from head, to hand, and then to paper. We found old textbooks and passports, "Love Notes" from Reg to Deanna, and letters he'd written to us. I'd lost him at seventeen, and it would be almost fourteen years till I found him again, in a bunch of old boxes, and when I did, he gave me a book cover.

S. Gaudette
01 / 29 / 09

- each of us has those moments that define us in ways, we maybe don't even appreciate until much later. While I report this experience as accurately as I can, I can tell you that this moment, in my life, affected me in a way I did not fully appreciate for quite some time. It wasn't until I was well into my 7'th, 8'th, and 10'th years that I began to fully appreciate what my father passed on, and how this work of his hands, would stand as constant reminder of the task at hand, a job I take more seriously then mere words can express. Through drunken, criminal behaviour, I sought to be a husband, father, & a positive member of society. Given the opportunity, I failed miserably. Today, Clean, & Sober, I aspire to nothing less, yet I hope to share my sincere appreciation for the second chance I have, and those that have gone before, laying the foundation for me ...

- Love, S.

- Going Home ...

- Wrote this January/09 at Grade, thanks to Georgia, Trish, & Pauline, I definitely need to be more open to criticism ...

Going home. This has meant so many different things, and referred to so many different places over the years. Many years ago, when I was a nine or ten year old boy, that meant a house at eleven sixty eight Rankin Avenue, Windsor, Ontario. There, Dad was usually waiting, and I couldn't wait to leave again. Going home meant getting back to the house before sunrise, begrudging the day, only to sneak out of the basement window again, usually some time after midnight.

As I grew, home became a much larger place; it began to encompass all of Essex County. Home could be in Amhurstburg, Ontario, at Aunt Sharon and Uncle Butch's house on Alma Street, or Louisa and Glen's place on Front Road. In the "East End" of Windsor, there was always Kevin Crosby's mom's place, Aunt Georgette's, or Aunt Claire and Uncle Paul's. In Tecumseh, Aunt Bonnie always welcomed me. The "West End" of Windsor held too many places to mention; I'm sure I'll always feel the pull of the west end.

I'm certain the land is still there. Returning to those places today, is to see strip malls. Going back means enduring the business of the retail outlet complex and the never ending search for the bathroom stations. From Google Earth, I can see all of Dad's landscaping has been removed from the old backyard at Rankin Avenue. Alleyways are gone now, fallen to "Property Reclamation". The Riverfront remains a source of local pride, but big business means bigger buildings along it and far busier festivals then ever before. Old fields that once teemed with wildlife, full with bush for hiking and exploring, are now "New Subdivisions" as people leave the west end, and move out of the city. To drive anywhere there now is to vaguely recognize your past. To move around in any of these places today is to take part in controlled chaos. Yes, I'm sure the land is still there, it's simply been buried under "Progress".

From Belle River, through Tecumseh and Windsor, past Lasalle, and into Amhurstburg, Ontario, I can still recall the Riverfront, the friends, and all of the many festivals. I think of the schools and the teachers, and am honestly humbled at how much of my education took place in those musty church basements. I remember, fondly, the alleyways and backyard, summertime sleep outs. Smiling lovingly, I find myself in mind of those winters spent on a toboggan and of family shinny, pick up hockey games played on the frozen ponds of River Canard.

My dearest memories are on those very ponds. No, not with puck and stick in hand, as is the case with so many young Canadian boys, but with a canoe paddle and my cousin up front. We paddled all over River Canard, and spent many a summer night camped, illegally, in the old "Scout Bush". Although today I feel so genuinely content, my happiness is more complete than I'd ever imagined, I often find myself nostalgic for it all.

Nostalgia is a double edged sword, isn't it? While we recall a fondness, we can just as easily find ourselves robbed of the very happiness we work so diligently to find. No, wisdom is not paid out upon reaching a specific age. This comes from a willingness to accept, if not embrace, growth and experience, no matter the cost. One looks back through a window, cleared by effort and hard work. He, or she, accepts what they see, and finds contentment in the ability to endure and survive, and then takes joy in the wisdom gained. Certainly, "we put away childish things".

Going home. Today that sings of relaxation; it's a song of family and new hope. Today, going home means I can return to peace, and serenity, and those joyous things Dad spoke of. Home is a wife and best friend, love and absolute support. There's never a consideration for sneaking out, as it's hard to imagine being without them. Had I ever been so inclined, I'd be hard-pressed to squeeze myself through any type of window, anywhere! Home is a namesake times three, something Dad only dreamed of. It's noise, music, basketball, football, loud sleepovers, school, and appointments, and I can't wait to get back here again, and again. Most of all, home today is very real, unconditional, pure, and imperfect love. I believe we'll find creeks, and canals we've yet to paddle. Surely there are shinny games to be had. We've already enjoyed some pick-up basketball here, in the lane-way with our neighbor, and quite honestly, the tobogganing here is second to none. Today, home is two and a half hours from everything I'd ever known. It's amazing, and messy; it's chaotic, and compassionate. God willing, it's our very own little brick two story, and it's right here, at eighty five Moore Ave, Aylmer, Ontario, Canada.

Love, S.

01 / 27 / 09

- It's Been Far Too Long ...

- wow, I spend a lot of time apologizing. It's been a long time since my last post. Far too long I'm sure. I'd like to take a moment to thank Sara, the boys, and my niece, Brandi. You all stayed with me, & here I am back at the keyboard. I'd thought to say sorry to some people I'd butchered in previous posts, but then I thought, nope. What's done is done, the written word, published, is simply irrevocable, now isn't it! The last year has been, heaven & hell, everything & nothing all at once. It's been a year plus of upgrading, a math course I didn't even need, english shelved that I'll undoubtedly need, and an endless source of stress and growth for everyone, especially Sara. I sometimes wonder why she stays on, then after last year, I know full well. Isn't it a blessing to call your best friend wife (or spouse)? Those who share this gift will understand, those who've yet to find yours, I pray will. With her I am human, falliable, it's safe to be broken. We have learned to share in each other's fragile nature. I only wish I was as prone to acceptance as she, it seems lately she can recognize those moments far quicker than I. I'm more apt to remind her of her mistakes, then I am willling to celebrate her victories.

The fall finds me attending King's University College at The University of Western Ontario. As I write this, I'm looking forward to my last week of upgrading, I'll have about two weeks off and start at King's on the 10'th. Maybe it's appropriate that I pick up now. I've not stopped writing, I've tried to make note of each day of upgrading, I've written pieces this year that I've submitted for publishing, as of this post, nothing's been accepted, and that's cool. If you, & my family are the only eyes that ever see these pieces, I'm totally cool. I feel as if this last year I've become, more aware of my shortcomings, my need to be accountable to the opportunity that's in front of me, and my ability to play victim. It's a talent I've used for years, and I pray for the ability to shrug it off. I've also become comfortable with the people I've left behind. How can I possibly spend a lifetime grieving relationships that have never existed, the only reality, is that those people have convinced themselves that they care, when they NEVER have. I know today, that my hand remains extended, until these decide to reach out, I am powerless, and I'm not losing a lot of sleep over it. Those that matter, know who they are, that's what's important!

I'd like to get some of those writings from this last year up here, I'm not sure how to approach it. There are two specific Essays, and some Journaling from my time at Grade Expectations. Stay tuned, and pray for me, I'm feeling excited about being back at it, hope your all doing well, remember, you are loved, Always!

- I want to quote a young lady I've never met, probably the most powerful statement I've heard in some time ...

- "Don't make something a priority when you're just an option".

(Sarah Mousseau)

- Wise words, to be sure !

S.