- Open Book ?

-let's just say that I know your starving to death! Let's also say that as best friends and life long pals we have, and would continue to share everything! ((this point being beyond reproach)). I've been given a brief glimpse into the future and can help to change your life forever by giving you the "Winning Lottery Numbers". Knowing that I have everything I could ever dream of; save, the knowledge that you, my closest and dearest friend, have been cared for; what should I do?

Please spare me the philosophical B.S. about, "Money Changing a Person". "The Friendship Would Never Last". I'm simply trying to present a scenario, where in, a person with significant knowledge, has the opportunity to provide another with information that may or may not deeply impact ones life. Simply put; If I had a single piece of information that may save you from making the worst decision of your life, or conversely allow you to see a path far better. Am I in debted to you? Must I share this information? Are we otherwise; expected to allow someone we love to try, fail, and make their own mistakes? The argument persists ... You see, my pretties there are so many situations where this becomes a paramount question. A Dear friend is dating a dick, someone who really blows, if ya know what I mean. "The Village Bicycle" for lack of a better term, do you; but in? Maybe it's a female friend, you know the guy she's with keeps his "options open"; yet is leading her to believe otherwise, you can even prove it. Does friendship dictate you inform or mind your P's & Q's ? Someone you deeply care for is Glaringly, Obviously headed down the wrong path with some of the worst people. Do you talk with their parents, a guidance counsellor, or simply confront him/her; then follow up with one or both of the former? There are an endless number we could look at here, yet the dilemma is always the same, and I believe my boys were taught this basic principle in kindergarten, "If someone is on track to hurt themselves or another, we are absolutely obligated to intervene". Anything else is tattling or meddling. I bring this up, and genuinely seek your input people, for one reason. I have had my parenting skills called into question. I'm no saint! Yet Sara and I have sought help and direction from others including Parents, Sisters, Brothers-in-Law, Aunts, Uncles add infinitum. As a couple drowning in a sea of estrogen, I mean we have the first "multiple males" in something like three generations. Girls and daughters back as far as anyone can remember ... We are both convinced we need constant direction with the raising of our boys. We have not expected anyone to raise them for us, and we've not had too many "vacations", but allow me to assure you that with regard to questions, we are not afraid to ask, day or night, 24/7. The phone will ring, and we will seek input, as parental sponges, we require knowledge to move forward. Unfortunately, this also opens us up to criticism. If you've read anything so far you'll be aware that I have a history. With this Knowledge, and my experience in Recovery, am I not indebted to share with my children, the "Winning Lottery Numbers". Anything less would be setting them up for failure. I was blessed, I've been rewarded with a second chance at life. I'm required by sheer conscience, to inform, with love, anything, at anytime, I possibly can. I can only pray that given the information, and every tool I can arm them with, They Will Play Them When The Time Comes. Love, S.

- Whadda Ya Say About Addiction ?

- I guess the one subject I can burn eardrums about would be alcoholism & addiction. I grew up in a household where, our father found sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous, at the age of forty two. He passed away shortly after his ten year anniversary, on the 5'th of December, 1985. The significance of this in my life cannot go without saying; obviously. Although the memories of Dad's drinking are few and fairly unimportant, the attitudes and behaviors I remember of myself are like huge neon signs screaming out a warning. I can tell you about a man named "Blake Morton", who molested me and a number of other boys in Windsor, from the mid seventies through the early eighties, I can also tell you how Mom & Dad swept it under the carpet for fear of an embarrassing family story. I could tell you that Dad was the most distant and un-affectionate parent I knew; how I had friends, whose parents hugged me more in one day than Dad did in a lifetime. I could tell you that being the only boy & the youngest in a family of five ((4 older sisters)); left me with female qualities no boy should ever take to school, however unwittingly. I could spew stories of how mom signed me over to my eldest sister's care two months after Dad passed so she could be free. I could tell you how I was living in the back seat of my Grandfather's car within two years, and not a single member of my family, raised so much as an eyebrow to assure my safety or try to intervene in my life to steer me back on track. I could go on & on about how I landed in a treatment centre by 22 years old, with one child born out of wedlock, a list probably a dozen deep of sexual partners, and an "uncomfortable itch". I'm not bragging, trust me, the way our house was run when Dad was alive; would not condone me losing my virginity out of wedlock at the tender age of 18; let alone bedding a dozen or so different young ladies by the age of 22. The thought of losing this gift of purity to anyone but my wife today weighs heavy even now. I'm blessed to have four beautiful children, but they deserve far better than the beginning I failed to provide. Mom & Dad taught us that, I owe it to them to make this point very clear.

So Yea, I could go on & on, hell let's face it I already have, and am I still a little bitter? Well in my best, dysfunctional, diseased sarcasm, NO I'm Fine! No; I'm not Fine! At 38 ((11/23/68)), I'm manipulative, angry, short tempered, controlling, dealing with the beginnings of a very real; Unhealthy; appreciation for "Oxycodone Hcl/acetaminophen" prescribed for the damaged disc and possible lesion in my low-back. Worry not; I've already reached out to some great people in my life that I can honestly say I've relied on to hold me accountable. I've not made it this long "on my own". I can thank Dad, for the tools, they were laid out for me without me even seeing them. What hurts deeply today is that I've four beautiful, successful, sisters, who barely know the first thing about me. They could answer basic questions about the person, but have no clue with regard to the man. I've been hurtful to them yes. I've also taken full responsibility for my actions each and every time. The most recent incident involved a mean and hurtful e-mail. This was more a "lashing back" than anything else, and the first time in probably twelve plus years that I have deliberately directed any anger their way. Only two of the four can even remotely begin to take any joy in my rehabilitation. These are the only ones who have ever even attempted to take an interest in my life or who I am. I'm barely an afterthought to the other two. They've spent more time trying to argue the point that they have invited my wife and I to various functions than actually picking up a phone to involve themselves in our lives. Let's not forget that "I can pick the phone up too!" That doesn't do me any good when e-mails, apologies, and phone calls all go ignored. Bitter? NO, I'M FINE !

Any Success, I have I share with Friends, Wife, co-Workers ... That's It. I watch my wife share with her Mom & Dad, sisters, brothers-in-law; & I thank God for them. Were it not for these people, ((save two sisters, their husbands & children)); I'd have no family at all. I'm becoming keenly aware that it's unhealthy for me to put all of that need squarely on my wife, and our children. We are closer to my Ex-Girlfriend ((Daughter's Mom)) and her husband than we are to most members of my immediate family; not for lack of trying on our part.

This is the damage, addiction does. It is not just the practice of using, or abusing a given substance or behaviour, it is; without question; the guilt one feels and the eventual vicious circle this creates, the distance created when a family shuns one of it's own. The embarrassment felt on both parts. The hurt feelings, I can allow to heal, others refuse to let go of. It's the anger, Oh Dear God, the anger that burns and festers and destroys individuals from the inside out. (((Refer To Previous Post Here...Love Is A Decision...))) I have never, nor will I begin now, to give up on Love and Relationship. You see friends I have found the secret to forgiveness, I have even forgiven Blake Morton, I've learned forgiveness for many of wrongs done in my life, intentional and otherwise. I've had to accept a rather interesting and fairly simple fact.

"If I have the ability to hurt and wrong others; by way of my illness and Dis-Ease, and am therefore entitled to be forgiven; then how can I hold onto resentment and nurse grudges?" I am worthy of forgiveness no matter the crime, as much as others are entitled, and this acceptance frees me, NO END. Free at Last, Free at Last !!! I desire, no I long for a healthier, happier life for myself first, and in turn I can be better to; and for, those whose lives I touch. This Base Desire/Longing, empowers me to reach as high and far as possible; to remove any and all obstacles that may limit me and thus prevent me from achieving my goals. Our families and loved ones deserve nothing less than our absolute best. A desperate willingness, and the freedom from forgiveness, can combine to allow any change imaginable in any ones life. I pray this freedom for each of you ... Love, S.

- Thank-You ...

- a very serious Thank-You, to all of the men and women who have served their countries so bravely. Know that your valiant and selfless acts, have not gone UN appreciated. I take very seriously the freedoms that we enjoy. This Brings me to an insanely undeniable point. Imagine each and every available voter showed up at the polls !? What would it take to, en-masse, educate every eligible voter of the very power resting in their hands, with the simple stroke of an "X". In the words of the Wicked Witch; "what a world, what a world !" I may be a little "off ", but I seriously fantasize about the power we would collectively have if even 1/4 of the eligible voters who don't bother came out and gave us their voice. Don't believe for a second that Mr. Dalton McGuinty doesn't appreciate their collective absence at the ballot box! That Liberal piece of trash sports his Mandatory Poppy, while his Party's Sense of Entitlement sucks the life out of Provincial Parliament. I'll tell you this, the Generation that has kept them in Power all these years is moving on and in their wake comes a pissed off, sick and tired MASS of "Generation X'ers" and guess what Dalton, we are the first generation that came into a world where High School was a minimum requirement, we're not happy with the way our children are being lost in the educational system! We can read and we're not happy with the way our Global Precedent Setting health care system has been butchered! We have access to more information than any generation yet, hell we're putting it together, we're installing it in your laptops, we're writing the code dude! Wake up! A message, to all Liberals, Provincial, Federal, and those long gone into Hiding! Your not entitled to Squat! Generation X, is older, we've put away our Parachute Pants, but We're holding on to the skinny leather ties cause they're definitely coming back, We're educated and we ain't happy with the Canada our Parents left us. We're happy for the pre-paid funerals, cause it'll give us more time to fix the joke you now call our government. I'd suggest you take your sickeningly large pensions, and move on now. How much do you get for 8 years federal service? what about 8 years provincial service? Just a question. My wife's M.S. Meds weren't covered by anyone, although I'm sure had I been an M.P. or even an M.P.P. she'd be treated like a queen, average factory workers don't qualify for that level of service.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I can think of a lot worse places to be living. It just sickens me to see men and women who get into public service, on a less than sincere promise, with assurances that their constituents will come first, right up until the moment their rear end takes the seat they've won. Than their home riding's become a distant memory, while they vacation on the sunny shores of Cuba. How many weeks off do you people need anyway? Imagine an Ontario, where even 60% or 70%, of the available eligible voters were waiting in line to cast their vote, to speak with the power of their "X" scary eh, Dalton? Then again your pension has you and your family well taken care of doesn't it? You made sure to garner support for some friends to eh? Isn't the freedom, to vote our conscious, speak our mind, worship who we want to, and Seek out our own opinions and beliefs exactly what you Brave, Selfless Men And Women Sacrificed for in the first place? I will never take your gift Lightly, I'm sorry your government doesn't support you more sincerely, hey wait a minute, didn't they wear their poppies? Love, S.

- Written June 11'th / 1997

- Sara -

A wife,

A Friend,

A lover & confidant.

She has touched my heart,

And my soul

Inspired me.

If, by the grace of God,

I aspire,

I will thank her.

Touch her hand,

Caress her cheek, and down,

To her neck.

I will kiss her there,

Where her skin is so soft,

Smell her,

Breathe in ner sweetness.

I will say,

Thank-you,

I Love You,

Sara

Stacey Gaudette; 06/11/1997

- Love is a decision ...

- so, if everything I heard last night is true, and an absolute matter of fact, than the last fourteen plus years of my life have been whittled down to three basic facts, 1- outside pressure and influence, 2- no one person has the ability to see past the surface and therefore all people must be as shallow as the rain puddle in my laneway, and 3'rd- fear of the unknown must control each aspect of our existence, and no one person possesses the ability to overcome adversity in their lives. If this is where it turns for me people then I say, God Help Us All !!!

- You see, some many years ago I learned a rather unknown, yet basic and undeniable truth. Love; my friends, is a decision, we must make each and every day. Anything less is walking away, throwing in the proverbial towel, quitting and just plain giving up. It means we quit on those that have meant the most to us, we walk out on those that have been willing to carry us while we are down, we make the conscious decision to give up on the very people who would otherwise be willing to see us through each and every painful moment of our lives. Love and relationship is not the disposable, throwaway thing that Vegas would have us believe, no let me direct you thus. If this is the day that I finally say, hello single world, than it will be at someone else's hand. I Do Not Quit On Those I Love. This bitter, angry, manipulative, diseased and yes Recovered; Alcoholic, is; and can be; guilty of so many, many things in this lifetime but He will never be guilty of walking out on love and relationship. There have and will continue to be "Ed's" and "Your girlfriends" in all of our lives. Yet I know this of myself and hope & pray this for each of you. My Door Is Always Open. I've yet to quit on any relationship. Remember that cute little cartoon form our youth ... "Love Is..."? It really is friends, It does not end, it does not begin, it does not conquer or dominate, it does not scream or yell, it does not berate or belittle it may be a decision we need to "re'commit" to every now and again but know this; of all things we encounter each and every day, for all the dollars made, all of the accounts closed and balanced, for all the scores settled, when you walk out of the bathroom this morning, or maybe after you've brushed your teeth tonight, and you've gone ahead and stunk that bathroom up as bad as you ever imagined. It's suddenly become obvious to you that maybe your not feeling as well as you've lied yourself into believing ... your teeth are clean, but the stench coming out of that bathroom tells you, your insides are anything but, if you can't stumble over to the couch and fall into the arms of someone who understands and will Never, Ever judge you ... well you make that decision. I'll be here on the couch, with my arms wide, and painfully empty, waiting, no ... Longing, to hold you ... Love, S.