- A Parental Perspective ...

This one may just seem to ramble, but I hope you stick around long enough, you may just see me through a little clearer lens.  Am I an Atheist? At times, “hell” yes I am. Am I a believer? Well, I believe in a lot of things, most of all, the inherent goodness of all mankind, it’s there; I’ve witnessed it far too many times to deny it. Am I Agnostic or Agnostic Theist? By those that would consider a label necessary I am all these things, and more. I am moderate. I am “just right of centre”. I am a firm believer that; left to its own devices, mankind has always struck a healthy balance w/ nature. However unsettling the penalties are; for those w/ weak stomachs, nature wins out every time. We can kick, scream & whine all we want; yet, the earth remains a heartless judge & a short history lesson proves she has absolutely no conscience.  Without a doubt, my political leanings are Anarchist at best, & have been since my earliest stirrings on the topic.

Age, time, experience, all of it changes us if we let it. I’ve met 15yr. olds w/ as much, if not more wisdom to offer. One can be hard, rigid & stone-like, but to what end? What single experience indicates that a given line of thinking must be right? Daily life isn’t a science experiment second by second, minute to minute. Most moments are defined by shades of grey, and each person will see those shades in a far different light. Certainly gravity takes over if we jump off a ledge, there is no fighting with such laws and absolutes; yet someone with a different belief system can still pull you back, given a chance, if your hand is open.  Once safely back neither has to read the same literature; a hug, handshake, a “thanks for the help” is often enough.

I dreamed of being a husband & father from as early as I can remember. My heart, my mind and every cell of my being tell me that no government should ever have the power to legislate morality. If we empower the women in our lives, then they will make decisions for themselves. Anyone who knows me knows the depth of love I have for my children and every young person in my life. I have, in no small way, made this pursuit, the empowerment of youth, the driving force in my life. At 21yrs. old I was told that, without my knowledge or consent, a young woman I dated just a short time earlier had aborted my child. My 1’st child’s life was ended before it ever had a chance to begin. My heart aches to this very day, it is with this pain that I tell you that I stand by my belief. A woman’s body is hers & no government should ever have the power to legislate morality. These are the lessons that age, wisdom, & experience teach. There are those that will undoubtedly get lost in the right or wrong debate, yet it happened, to me, & my answer is simple: “Shades of Grey”, “Lessons Learned”, & one more reason to offer love on a daily basis, no questions asked. }:)

Every time I look in the mirror I still see the 10yr. old boy who believed he’d be watching Saturday morning cartoons forever. You see, that kid always believed growing up would solve all his problems, & now that he’s an adult he understands the paradox. I’m all grown up & I wish I would have spent more quality time, really enjoying those cartoons. I wish I would have taken the time to savor each bite of Kap’n Krunch. However corny and awkward you may believe it to be, it really is all just dust in the wind. Remember, there’s no escape from those laws, absolutes are just that, & the 1’st law of thermodynamics teaches us that we are all subject to entropy my friends. Like a sand castle blowing away in the warm summer winds. Each and every second that passes is never coming back, think about that, and pause to consider those precious seconds you’ve wasted.  

Certainly our children are the most precious gifts we have. What about each minute spent in arguments, at odds, butting heads?  These are wasted on anger, & never subject to refund. The choice to be quiet, end the argument and offer love, open arms, a shoulder to catch tears suddenly becomes far more palatable then continuing to force a point that is ultimately just a lesson that needs to be learned through experience. I’m convinced that I figured this out about 19yrs. ago, when I began to passionately guard every second with Sara. I learned quickly the difference between petty male jealously, & being envious of time that I couldn’t have w/ her. It seems almost infantile now, but the same idea applies, what I struggle with the most today, is “sharing” my time. I guard passionately, my time with Sara & all four of my children. I believe it to be the most valuable thing of all. I admit that I am given to anger and argument as much as anyone, my biggest trigger though is the idea that I’m wasting precious seconds battling a point, or some justification that in the end means absolutely nothing. I’d sooner submit, consider the opposing opinion & move on to greener pastures.

I really am the same person today. I’m the same as I was, 30, 20 even 10yrs. ago. A little older, wiser, far more guarded, (in a good way), but the same. I was 11yrs. old when my 1’st nephew was born. My sister & brother-in-law, made sure that we had a niece and a second nephew in no short order. I can remember marvelling at the tiny fingers on my nieces hand as I sat in the back seat of my mother’s car. I’ve said (far too many times for their liking I’m sure), that it was those very days that made me aware of what I wanted to do in life. I never dreamed of any other job after those days. I didn’t imagine myself as a pro-hockey player, a rock-star, fireman or a doctor; I aspired to be my father, my brother-in-law. I saw myself as a husband and a father. It was 19yrs. ago, when Sara came into my life that my sisters finally began to allow me to spend any significant amount of time with my then, 6nephews & 2(soon to be 3) nieces. Those were the days that reinforced to me that mine was to be a path few travel w/ as much passion. Movies, video game testing at the mall, sleepovers, too much ice cream, & even a rare test drive in a convertible Camaro were all the assurances I needed that mine would prove to be a road to happy destiny.

I look back & can see now that these moments are certainly what motivated me to sober up as quickly as I did. My drive has always been to be a positive influence, a stable figure, or just plain worthy of the time I have with the people in my life. This time, each & every moment, is the single biggest, & most valuable commodity I can imagine. Far too many of us lose this focus; we’re caught up in the news item of the day, or paying off the new 50” plasma. 28 dead & Facebook statuses are replete with: “huggin my kidz a little tighter today”, I shake my head & want to scream from the mountain tops: “hug & love your kidz, & all your loved ones, everyday”! Good grief, I fail to realize how or why we need some motivation to show love. Sure, tragedy becomes a reminder of what’s important, but if we make time to share this love every day, the message becomes clear; these people in our lives know, without question, that they are a priority.

While reading a piece a fellow blogger posted I came across a comment, to paraphrase, it read that “there is no never land, we all have to grow up sometime”, & my heart broke. It’s tragic to me that anyone can think that way in today’s day & age. The tag line of so many movies, the plots of so many stories all speak to the same lesson, & I’d like to think that I’ve paid close attention. I will never live up to some societal standard; I will never “grow up”. I blare music in my car as loud today as I ever did when I was 18, if there is a good song on the radio, you can bet your ass that I will dance like I don’t care who’s watching, & my wife & children are usually dancing right along with me. If my 18yr. old son comes home from a difficult shift at work, he doesn’t even have to ask, he climbs in between his mother & father, gets the hugs & love he needs, and gets some laughs from Leno’s monologue before heading off to bed feeling a lot better about his day. I maintain; growing up is for suckers.

To be sure, there is a certain level of responsibility we must adopt as we get older. I’m certainly glad that I figured this out when I did. I was 28yrs. old when clean & sober living came along, & I’ve honestly never looked back. Sure, there have been times when I can almost taste the ice cold amber beers hitting the back of my throat. I see them sparkle in the sun while someone else tips their bottle back & I think: “hmmm”? Ultimately, I can never imagine giving up what I’ve gained. More often than not, it’s about being the one person who’s made a decision & stayed true to that choice when so many can’t decide what socks to wear that day. Sorry to say it, but it’s true, & I said you may get to see me through a clearer lens, right !? I’m not sitting in my back yard drinking a beer & justifying it by saying “I’ve worked all day, I’m allowed”, I’m not spending money on pot, & saying, “its safer then alcohol”. Truth be told, I stopped having to justify & give reasons why, about 16yrs. ago. If I want to buy a 50” plasma today, I do it, because I can, & I pay cash.

Enter: “MjrPhallus”.

When it comes to being an adult, I guess I struggle to some extent. A number of years ago, Sara said the most hurtful thing she’s ever said to me. It wasn’t the word she chose, that was laughable; yet the tone she used: low, even, very matter-of-fact & intentionally hurtful has left a lasting mark, on all of us. This wasn’t spoken in argument, it wasn’t yelled or screamed; it was spoken almost conversationally, & has since become a defining moment in our family. In all the years I’ve given to sobriety there has been one constant, I inherited this from my parents & my aunt & uncle. Our home is open to all 24/7 – 365. Call, come over we’ll put coffee on, turn on the tea kettle, & work out whatever is wrong, as best we can. In 15yrs. / 11mos, you can safely bet we’ve damn near seen & heard more than our share of woes. We’ve also helped in whatever way was needed, whenever & however we could, to that end we’ve also received more than our fair share of help; from anonymous gift baskets, to a sister driving two hours to give us half of the box of food that had been donated to her.

Having noted all of the above, there are things I cannot possibly abide. If you show up on my door step, broke and penniless because you’ve spent your money on toys, instead of paying your bills, then how am I to feel sorry for you? If your living lies, while trying to rip off government programs, then how can I offer help? If you’re drinking alcohol & smoking pot and can’t figure out why your family has a hard time living with you, then why would I tell you any different? On one specific occasion, I was expected to offer sympathy where none was warranted, and was told: “Stacey, you’re an ass, you’re a giant dick”. To which I responded: “I prefer Major Phallus”, as I struggle w/ profanity, one can understand my phonetic preference. 

I looked at Sara, very deeply and I asked her: “Why? Why do you want to leave”? In a very matter of fact tone, directly, softly, & deliberately, she answered: “Because you’re an asshole”.

I have never before & never since been so deeply hurt by her, my wife, & my best friend. Not because she had called me this name, to take offense to this would be infantile, but because I knew she was right. I’d known this about myself for years. I’d worked for years to become the man that I was, that I am, & quite frankly, I like me, then and now. I refuse to justify who I am, & I refuse to spare feelings where truth belongs. Trust me when I say that I in no way presume to be the bearer of truth almighty. I will continue to wear my ignorance in most things like a badge of honor, but in this case I was crippled by the knowledge that my closest & dearest friend was so deeply affected by the person I’d become. It’s since become a defining moment for us as a couple & a family, & I’m happy to report that our family is closer & stronger than we ever imagined we could be. Today, Dad’s a Mjr Asshole, & we’re all O.K. with that. It’s a running joke that if I want more friends I should stop being such an asshole, but then they remind me that they prefer me this way, cause I keep them honest, & hold them accountable, I guess dads are supposed to do that sort of thing, so I’ll just keep being me, & if they like me, I guess I can like me to.

Anyone who’s been in our home knows that there is a definite level of immaturity that goes with being here. There is love, hugs are free and in abundance, tears flow freely & more often than not are followed quickly with belly laughs and more reasons to smile then one can shake a stick at.  We hold each other accountable, and typically chose truth over spared feelings, mistakes corrected quickly; quickly become lessons learned, that can then be passed on, in this home that’s a valuable resource.

So then, what am I, believer non-believer? Somewhere in between maybe? Other than a husband, father, brother, uncle, friend I'm not really certain. I am me, that's enough most days, and I'm sure tomorrow I'll be the same, one day older, one day wiser, one more day sober. When I'm not sure, when I begin to question you can be sure our 5’10” / 207lb, 14yr.old Defensive Tackle will need a hug, & when he does he knows where to come to get it.

If you've made it this far, I’m eternally grateful,

Love; S.

- How Do You Define, Practical ?

So here it is, & I’m sure you’ve seen it coming. 28 dead, by the hand of one individual, w/ a 9mm. Glock, a 9mm. Sig Sauer, & a Bush Master .223. The most devastating part of it all for most of us; I believe, is the fact that so many are children, none older then 10yrs.

Inevitably these things happen, & they have before, & will again, we live in a very broken world, at a very broken moment in its history. Predictably, the discussion starts, enter Facebook, & the Oh, so wonderful world of social networking. Now we can see, firsthand the faces of those devastated friends and family arriving at the scene. We witness, as if we were right there, the tragedy, as it unfolds. We hear and see reporters interviewing children, recounting their experiences, “out of the mouths of babes”, never before has it been so palpable.

I honestly can’t remember a time when I made such a concerted effort to avoid comment, or to stifle my own opinion. I posted a status, in an attempt to encourage those in my Friends List not to bye in to the predictable dialogue & commentary, & at times it seems that even these efforts did no more then provide more fodder for discussion.

“Gun Control”, “God Doesn’t Exist, or How Could He Let This Happen”, the usual comfortable demons that do little more than fuel rants, yet add little to any sort of solution. Should we expect any more than that? No, I think not, because so many of us aren’t used to contributing much more than emotion fueled opinion. That is after-all, all these threads ultimately devolve into, anger filled rants that do little more than contribute to the rhetoric, if they don’t destroy relationships along the way.

Sure, I’m an asshole because I’m a gun owner. In one sentence, I get to hear how much fun she had shooting her friends gun, in the next, from the very same mouth, I become an asshole that shoots targets when I should be supporting a ban on guns that will certainly save lives. (because criminal enterprise obeys bans don’t they? all the bad guys are gonna turn in their guns right!?) I’d ask here: what have you done to contribute? What efforts have you made to become an active part of the solution? I mean besides spewing opinions from a keyboard on your iPhone?

I could list my own efforts here, but I’d almost bet that most would expect me to do that. Like I’m some holier than thou, announcing his good works to the world, but I maintain my belief that to announce one’s good works only devalues them. If its ideas you need, I’d be more than happy to discuss this add infinitum, please, feel free to contact me for a private IM. }:)

1’st let’s discuss a ban on Hand Guns, Automatic & Assault Weapons. To be sure, Guns Are Here to Stay, they are never going away, at least not in any of our lifetimes. Short of a Global effort that is un-fathomable in its implications, we must admit, “Guns!? Yeah! We Got Guns, & Lots of ‘em”. So where do we go, as a society, from here? If you feel, however strongly, that a ban or prohibition is the answer, then I would suggest you look back in history to the Prohibition era, United States of 1920-1930. Open bans & prohibition made Al Capone a very rich man, & gave rise to modern organized crime as it had never been seen before. If you think the average Joe liked to “get his bathtub gin buzz on”, try to take away his sense of self protection.

Open bans & prohibition helped guys like Sam Giancana make the Kennedy family American Royalty. At the end of the day, even if you take firearms away from the general population, do you really think that the bad guys don’t have them anymore? If corrections officers are confiscating (jail house made) fully auto-matic .9mm “Mac 10’s” from San Quentin, what do you think happens to the Jesse James, or Paul Teutuls of the world? Fabricators like these men become the most sought after “underground figures” on the planet. It’s their genius that now fuels the “illegal firearms” trade.

Even considering the removal & ban of all of these firearms is to imagine a herculean task, that pre-supposes a co-operative 311 591 917 individuals, (that’s just the U.S.).

You just may think a scenario like this is laughable, but let me paint a picture, current numbers show an estimated 89 firearms for every 100 residents in the U.S. quick math tells us that means there are: wait for it … 277 316 806 firearms in the United States (estimated & rounded down). One can presume that these are legally owned & registered to appropriately licensed citizens. What we do not account for here are the illegal firearms. Recent numbers indicate that some 69% of crime guns in Canada & 83% of crime guns in Mexico can be directly traced back to U.S. dealers & manufacturers. Is there a “Gun Culture”, in the U.S.? Is There a North American Gun Culture? Does it really matter? Quick answer: Yes, Probably, & no, not at all. Labels mean little when children are massacred.

I quoted some news yesterday (Dec.14/2012): “today in China, 22 were injured in a knife attack as children were arriving for classes, from (our) spring of 2010 to (our) fall of 2011, some 20plus (mostly) children were killed & almost 100 injured in a series of attacks in China, box cutters, knives and hammers were used in the commission of many of these crimes”, also worth note: The Beslan school hostage crisis also referred to as the Beslan school siege or Beslan massacre, of early September 2004 lasted three days and involved the capture of over 1,100 people as hostages including 777 children, ending with the death of over 380 people.

The important things to note here are (A), a man, or men, bent on destruction will find a means to an end, be it guns, knives, box cutters, hand tools; etc. a broken mind seeks only the end game; implements be damned. & (B) we are a very small part of a global epidemic; we are small in comparison to the loss and destruction being inflicted at a global level.

2’nd let’s consider all the bullshit ranting, & un-educated opinion we hear every single time these tragedies occur. Yes, I am a gun owner; I take courses repeatedly & often. I take very seriously, safety, education & fun. I take part, actively w/ Sara, in the education & instruction of new shooters & those that have shot before. As a result of these choices, I can assure you that Sara & I are more actively monitored by more Government Agencies then most of those reading this are even aware of. (for eg. who or what is the CFO of Ontario? copy/pasting & googling is cheating)

I have and offer my opinion because I am actively involved in the debate, Sara, myself & many members of our club hosted members of parliament this past summer discussing current & future legislation. Asking questions, & pondering possible answers that will ultimately affect the future of firearms legislation in our Province, & our Country. What are you doing?

If you are a faithful person & a member of a church, have you organized a gift collection that may be delivered to any of these families, in their time of such great need? Maybe you don’t believe in a God: then are you actively discussing these issues with those who can make change happen, are you writing to your MP, or your MPP? Maybe as a non-believer you’re "more practical" and you're actively arranging a group of friends and family to write letters of condolence & taking up a collection of money (and/or) gifts to send to these families to ease their holiday season ... ... Yes? No? ... I can tell you of a (very) small group of truck builders that organized, filled & drove (two) 53’ trailers from St. Thomas, ON. Canada to Juarez Mexico, built multiple shelters & out buildings, installed a furnace, & brought Christmas to an entire community; they did this twice. The only things that can stop “Practical” help are the lack of imagination and motivation to get things done.

While I enjoy writing, & have few passions as great as my love for the written word, I can assure you that little change happens in front of a word document. Mountains are moved one shovel full at a time. This involves a bent back, blood, blisters, sweat & tears. Practical help, changes lives, & lives affected by change, change the world we live in.

If we are to save even one life, we need to get to know our neighbours. We can’t pass judgement on their beliefs, we need to understand why they believe what they do, & be willing to be changed by any idea or experience that comes our way. The tragedy isn’t limited to the children that died, it becomes the families that are devastated, including, in yesterday’s case a father whose wife was killed, whose son became a murderer, & committed suicide, leaving no answers for anyone.

We must find reasons to connect to one another, not hold on to imagined reasons to maintain distances. When we can look at an armed security guard protecting a truck full of money & not give it so much as a second glance; yet the idea of the same, protecting our most valuable resource, our children and the institutions that educate them sickens us; we must re-examine our priorities. An armed policeman behind the counter of a Beer Store becomes commonplace, but the same at the front door of your child’s school is un-settling; this is a reason to re-asses what’s really worthy of such protection.

I remain, lovingly yours; S.

- A Moderate Response ...

I turned 44yrs. old this Friday past. I enjoyed the full “Build a Bear” experience with the love of my life; I made it to the top of Skylon Tower, in Niagara Falls. & watched my Toronto Argonauts hoist the Grey Cup on its 100’th Anniversary. In short, I still consider myself the luckiest man alive, to be sure, I am blessed.

I’ve avoided writing for many reasons over the years; more often than not sheer laziness turns out to be the culprit. While I could blame many things, those that are close to me would understand my aversion to the assignment of fault. Life happens, all the time, kidz grow up, they require parent’s time and attention, job situations change, people move, championships are won, & games are lost. Time, it seems is the great equalizer as it catches up with us all.

Sara and I recently had to stand by as our sons were indirectly accused of being brainwashed. It’s easy to recognize anger and emotion, especially in such a raw form, yet as our children have been raised to question everything; us included, this hurtful moment, I fear has left a lasting mark. Among many of their great qualities, our boyz would be the 1'st to remind you that they have great memories. Obviously I’ve avoided posting for a very deliberate reason, the writing is there, in drafts that have not been published and probably, never will, but posting is an altogether different monster, isn’t it?  Most recently two things have come together to shake up relationships in my family; the 1’st being the topic of Religion, the 2’nd being Social Networking.

14 yrs. ago Sara & I moved from Windsor to St. Thomas. I had been given the “proverbial 2’nd chance”, new in sobriety, a shot at a new job, and more love and support then we could ask for. The Internet made this move much easier as we were able to stay in touch with family & friends, send pics, & updates and do it all virtually for free. Today the footprint we have left on the Internet is impressive, I can tell you that companies are spending thousands of dollars to get half the hits you will find just by Googling “saranstacey”. Go ahead, copy & paste it now, click "image search"; you may be shocked. While many of the people we love the most were just entering high school, or sending their own children off on the school bus, Sara & I were learning to stay in touch via “MSN Messenger”. Before Google was an idea in someone’s mind we were posting to the Internet, before "social networking" was a fancy catch phrase, Sara & I were "networking" via the Internet.

It’s funny to me today, to hear myself talk to my children & find my parents in those words. I remember calling myself an atheist, then calling myself an agnostic theist, then atheist again. I’ve worn so many labels over the years, “Born Again”, “Evangelical”, “Catholic”, “Anglican”, then back to “Atheist”. What makes me smile the most today is to remember, and be able to admit to you here, the anger I would disguise as intellectual curiosity while adopting each of those labels. When we write we cannot convey tone, what we can never avoid though is the truth that lies ever so subtly, just below those words. The truth of who we really are exists at the end of the pen; therein lays the beauty of the written word, and the very truth of myself, & the world around me that I fell in love with so many years ago.

 I struggled with the idea of ever publishing to a public forum, a wonderful therapist, who eventually became a friend guided me to this decision, & the eventual criticism I encountered has been amazing, it continues to challenge & define me. I've found an entire community out here. Some proudly wear their labels and live to advance their agendas, & in their passion we find there is much to learn. Then there are those of us that revel in our ignorance and seek out new ideas and new opinions like a heroin addict searches for a hit. Is this an over dramatic, over exaggerated example? Maybe as someone who's lived with addiction it's a comparison of the very real passionate, driven desire to learn, and thereby change who I am for the better. You be the judge. I can tell you this, I live each day of my life, ready willing and able to admit that I may be wrong, if for no other reason but to better myself and my relationships with those that I love the most, and those that I’ve yet to meet. There are far more people like me, than there are those that live to advance a single idea. That does not make me moderate, it is not an insidious form of thinking, it is as a matter of scientific fact, “Evolved”, as witnessed by Schools of Medicine in Ottawa & more recently, London Ontario.

On a personal note, I believe it is worth noting that there is a certain passion I write with. I’d like to say that a man, bound by slavery, once freed may then dedicate himself the task of setting everyone free. Bondage is a tricky thing, often characterized by a very slippery slope. One byes into an idea, the idea takes hold & turns into a single minded passion that can’t, or more often than not, won’t be dispelled. It’s amazing to me that Darwin’s ideas on evolution can be witnessed even in people of faith. The ideas of inclusion, acceptance and shared experience to further the human race are alive and well, and being studied as we speak. To ever imagine a world where a man isn’t free to think, feel and imagine that which he freely chooses is to step back to a time where humans were put in cattle cars and funneled off to gas chambers. I’m excited to see our children sharing time, thoughts, ideas & talents with other young people of every culture and faith; from Agnostic, to Baptist, to Atheist, and every culture, & skin colour in between.

The real joy comes when we “live” the truth of our lives in spite of those other opinions, when we can raise ourselves above all the anger masked as intellectual curiosity, when we can carry on, past the indirect insults and accusations. I’ve been a firm believer in picking up the phone, knocking on a door; sitting down for a coffee, facing down the elephant in the living room is far easier than pretending it doesn’t exist. Look at the generation that never talked about their feelings, that never said “I love you”, how are they doing, how many broken relationships did that generation produce? There’s the real “insidious” idea, the destruction of family starts here, with a family meal missing one, then two …

In recent months, and weeks I’ve been on the phone, travelled down the highway, and I know today, more than ever that these actions work two ways. It’s fairly easy to figure out when you’re being avoided. I have four sisters, & in the days leading up to my birthday I made a point of telling each one of them that I loved them. I then told those that are on my FB how important all four of these woman are to me. You see, they’ve changed me. By being open to new ideas, by being malleable I can allow their thoughts, ideas and opinions to affect me, and in this way I know today how much I need them in my life. That they allow me in is a very real blessing, I remain a very lucky man, one year older, a little wiser, and just for today, the labels I wear are husband, father, friend, brother, uncle, and me ...

Love; S.    

- Thank you; Mr. St. Pierre ...

So, after recent events, I’m a little apprehensive about writing but I have to empty the vessel. It’s been almost two years now, but I remember all too well, my sisters & I, taking it in turns as we sat watch around my mother’s bed, never leaving her alone for a moment as this life slowly slipped away. Not lost on any of us was the reality that we each had our own memories of the same dance, played out with our father. It is an experience that few share, to stare deeply into the eyes of a loved one, a parent as life trickles away, like sand falling into the bottom of an hour glass. Those who've been there can relate to the helplessness in that moment, how completely powerless one feels, unable to stop the grains falling, one by one, while life ebbs away. You’d give anything for one last walk along the beach, one last bag full of sea shells & drift wood. 

If you’ve been “there” then you know; the life, the essence of the person that’s there, the light that shines “through”, the light that vanishes in the moments after they’re gone. Those that haven’t can’t begin to comprehend the experience. This isn't meant to be combative; it’s the sharing of an experience that is unique. It’s like trying to describe parachuting to someone who’s never even been in a plane. 

What I learned was the reality of how little we know, how small we really & truly are. From those moments with my father; as distant as those memories are, through to the moments with my sisters & our mother so recently, this truth is as close as their dying breaths, warm and moist against our cheeks, as we kiss them goodbye.

Few are brave enough to stare at death as it spreads its grasp over another. The reasons are many, “I don’t do hospitals”, “I want to remember them the way they were”. Fear has a way of giving itself many names, but make no mistake fear is fear. Yet, it is the most loving, & selfless act we can bestow on someone we claim to love, to swallow our pride and hold the hand of another as this life slips away. 

In the months that have followed; our little house here on Moore, Ave. has said goodbye far too many times. Sara and I try to remember them all, but we lose count now. Is it a sign that we are getting older & loss comes with age? No, I don’t believe so; I really don’t know what to believe, & I like it that way. I hold very dear the notion that wisdom comes from the acceptance of our ignorance.

We’re fairly certain that at least 9 funerals have touched us in the last 21 months, and most recently we've yet again been called upon to step away from the business of life, jobs, school & sport to circle the wagons with family, and honor the life of a loved one. 

  That makes 10 …

I am not blissfully ignorant because I choose to accept the wisdom that exists in “not knowing”; I am, as a matter of fact; teachable in that moment. It is that very “teach-ability”, that showed up on the door step of the St. Pierre family some 20yrs. ago. I remain immeasurably grateful that it did. It is in that willingness, that teachable ignorance that I found a new life. 

What I found in this incredible family are people that expect nothing; accept unconditionally; love completely; and welcomed me with a warmth that must be experienced to be believed. Very quickly, I realized that the way I was choosing to live my life was far from worthy; of such affection. I needed to change, and the change came, was welcomed and continues to be celebrated with every baby step, and each passing day. 

On October 31’st, 2012 we said goodbye to the physical man that was Albert Joseph St. Pierre; the patriarch of the family that welcomed me into its fold. What continues to leave me absolutely dumbfounded is that they didn't have to. I gave this family every reason to run me out of town, to put as much distance between me & their daughter, niece, sister and cousin as humanly possible, and the only question they had for me was: “What do you need for Christmas”? Every Christmas since I’ve had presents under the tree with my name on them. 

The best example of this spirit of love & acceptance was the man we said our good byes to, just days ago. It is from him, & his children, his grandchildren and his son, (my Father-in-law), that I take my lead. Our home is an enduring example of these life lessons. It is not lost on me personally that my Uncle and Aunt have the same lessons for us. The very same Uncle I said goodbye to, just a few months ago. The Internet is full of people with access to Miriam Webster – On Line; it is vomitus with “keyboard intellects” that spew volumes, & take no action. 

Some time ago, my sister asked for examples of things that her friends and family do to aide against bullying. I have a very strong dislike for anything that even resembles discussion of one’s “good works”, but in the spirit of contribution, I listed the activities that we, as a family, have done, hoping that we may spark ideas in others. I won’t discuss them here, as my sister’s FB timeline is, thus far the one & only time I've felt comfortable to do so. Yet the idea remains: one’s actions should stand alone, to announce them devalues them, at least I feel that way. For me, today, these living examples have set the standard. Their actions have lit the way, & so my actions must stand alone.

Thank you for all you are, all you've been, and all you continue to be. Whenever I see your face in my son’s reflection, whenever I hear and see the art that our children create, whenever I hear the wisdom from your son, my father-in-law: it's in these things that I understand the truth behind eternal life. The eternity lies in those of us that live on, the lessons we take forward; both good & bad, the faces in our children, the faces in our mirrors, the wisdom in our families. 

To each of you I owe a debt that can only be repaid by a life well lived, & so here I will leave words behind, & allow actions to show my gratitude ….

       - Thank-you, I Love You, & Miss You All, Love; S.

- Sara bought me a new hat ... }:)

     - Sara bought me a new hat …  }:)

“When will you two grow up”? “You two are still so immature”.

The answers here respectively are:

 1)-“Hopefully never, & if we've pissed you off, then I guess we’re well on our way” and,

 2)- “Thank God”!

Yes; for the half dozen or so “Atheists” or “Anti-Theists” that will undoubtedly read this & look down your nose at me, ... I thank God.

The saddest part of it all for me? & I can write it here, without fear of contradiction. I know teenagers more “grown up” then I am. You all forget how fuck’n awesome it is to spend a Saturday night reading comic books in a blanket fort w/ your best friend. You’re so caught up in arguing that there is no God, or paying off your new flat panel LCD that you forget, & it is sad. I’ve even had some of you “anti-religion” groupies “literally” throw New Testament Scripture at me here, “aren’t we supposed to put away childish things Stacey”. You don’t even get that you’re proving my point.

Childlike ignorance and innocence is the only way I can ever imagine looking at this world we live in, & if some Jew figured this out 2Kyrs. ago, I say “atta boy”. I wasn’t there so I can only paraphrase, but I think the story goes something like this: “He motioned to the children, & said you have to become like these to enter the kingdom of heaven”. Well, I’m the most immature 43yr. old I know, & I feel like I’m living in heaven every day of my life. Sure sometimes it sucks ass, sometimes bills are too much, sometimes dicks run their rhetoric all over my FB page, & even offend my 70yr. old aunt with their B.S. but I have faith that they’ll learn from their mistakes, & remind myself that I wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, I’m the very same guy who tells all of these young people to “question everything”, “take nothing at face value”, & “never stop learning”. I think I may camp out in a blanket fort tonight with my PS3, & my little 20” flat panel, I love your kidz new technology  }:)

I guess I’ve learned that, in many ways the fighting has to stop. Certainly, as a people we have to put down our sticks & stones, but I’m discussing more than this. It’s far more important to allow each other our individuality in the name of peace & brotherhood then it is to be combative for combat’s sake. I would much rather, share your time, agree that your opinion has value and should be considered then combat your ideas with relentless rhetoric. To be sure, non-violence has been proven to have a far more enduring effect. What I’m discussing here is far more important; far more enduring in its “lasting effects”.

I’ve been accused of being “Dramatic, just like my sisters”, I’ve been accused of being “judgemental”, & if you’ve read from the top of the page, most recently, being “immature”. To these & many more I say: “suck a dick fag-bot, (that’s gotta be counted as pretty childish & immature!) you obviously know nothing about me, or my beautiful, educated & amazing sisters, & that’s your own short sighted bullshit & your loss. I am not losing sleep, Richard”.

The relationships I enjoy with my sisters today, are the direct result of “adults” growing & evolving and learning that the fighting has to stop. It’s no longer passing judgement on the very people you claim to love, it’s giving those people you claim to care for the freedom to be whom they are, & then choosing to love them anyway! I choose to embrace the childlike, immaturity that is Stacey Gaudette today; I got to find him again a couple of years ago. He came to me while trapped in an apartment with those very same sisters, & he fell in love with those amazing women. The only drama, he found came from those people who never took any time to get to know the people they point their crooked fingers at.

Learning not to fight, means that I don’t obsess any more. Money, bills all of the stressors in life are still there, to be sure, the world continues to spin around me, but I choose not to step into the whirlwind. Even if it’s only metaphorically; that childish little asshole, Stacey Gaudette, can punch ‘dicks in the face & tell ‘em to fuck off.  I choose freedom, freedom to soak up all the goodness & joy in my life; my wife, my children, my friends and all of their accomplishments. I can enjoy the home we have, & the food in our cupboards. Really, what else do any of us need!?

When I was a small 10yr. old boy, I didn’t ask where the Kap’n Krunch came from, I just poured a massively huge bowl, curled into a cozy spot on the couch on Saturday morning, &  slung webs across New York city with Spidey. I had complete, pure & perfect faith that next Saturday would be the exact same. You can call it trust, confidence, belief, assurance, or reliance; whatever word you need to make it more palatable, but that’s the very essence of the problem. What difference does it make what word I choose to use? Why not choose to look for the essence of what I’m writing? We don’t have to offer opinions on every single thing we see, or read. Sometimes we can allow an experience to just affect us, & ponder that, “experience it”. Who, or what is judgmental when picking apart every aspect of someone’s writing & then hiding behind some self-appointed “right” to comment? All of this worldly, whirlwind B.S. takes away from the opportunity to learn, to experience and to be changed.

If there’s any one thing I can pin to a cork board that defines me, & my experience, so far, in this life; it’s that I have been “malleable” , I’ve made this pliability a part of my person from the very earliest days I can recall. A strong desire to learn & be changed by the people & experiences in my life is one thing I’ve taken from my childhood & held fast; to this very day. It also, sadly, becomes very easy to recognize people who are not like this; those “rigid” inflexible few who are convinced that theirs is the only way. Their fear controlled lives are palpable.

I know that while today I may hold firm to my belief that white is white & black is black; tomorrow one person’s view may allow me to see shades of grey I never imagined, that’s exciting to me. I refuse to believe that my opinion is the end all & be all. Call me immature, call me over dramatic, and say I’m just like my sisters, & I’ll say thank-you, they are amazing women, yet I know that the loss is yours, because as you call names & throw stones you’ve never taken the time, you lack a very important part of the human experience … especially funny for me because a PhD once told me that my “childlike approach to life is evolved”.

- He’s the very same man that originally encouraged me to start keeping a blog!

 - Pissin' People Off Since 1997 ... Love; S.

- Summing Up The Last Few Weeks ...

As many of you know, I'm a strong believer in not beating a point. Make your point, shut the fuck up, & move on. Give me something new! I moved to digital to get away from the broken record, but then again I'm addressing a generation who never heard vinyl til it became "cool" again. If someone has said it before, honor them with a hat tip toward their accomplishment. That noted, I'll let Mr. Eliot sum up "my feelings" for the previous couple of weeks. 

Here's hoping you make to the end & start back at the top ... well worth the eye strain 

Love; S. }:)  

The Hollow Men

(T S Eliot)

Mistah Kurtz-he dead

A penny for the Old Guy

I

We are the hollow men

We are the stuffed men

Leaning together

Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!

Our dried voices, when

We whisper together

Are quiet and meaningless

As wind in dry grass

Or rats' feet over broken glass

In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,

Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed

With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom

Remember us-if at all-not as lost

Violent souls, but only

As the hollow men

The stuffed men.

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams

In death's dream kingdom

These do not appear:

There, the eyes are

Sunlight on a broken column

There, is a tree swinging

And voices are

In the wind's singing

More distant and more solemn

Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer

In death's dream kingdom

Let me also wear

Such deliberate disguises

Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves

In a field

Behaving as the wind behaves

No nearer-

Not that final meeting

In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land

This is cactus land

Here the stone images

Are raised, here they receive

The supplication of a dead man's hand

Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this

In death's other kingdom

Waking alone

At the hour when we are

Trembling with tenderness

Lips that would kiss

Form prayers to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here

There are no eyes here

In this valley of dying stars

In this hollow valley

This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places

We grope together

And avoid speech

Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless

The eyes reappear

As the perpetual star

Multifoliate rose

Of death's twilight kingdom

The hope only

Of empty men.

V

Here we go round the prickly pear

Prickly pear prickly pear

Here we go round the prickly pear

At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception

And the creation

Between the emotion

And the response

Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is

Life is

For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

- Quoting The Masters, Yet Again ...

“I’ve never been lonely.

 I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal.

 I’ve been depressed. 

I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room.

In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. 

It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. 

I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” 

I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blond will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help.

 You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” 

Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupefy themselves.

 I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night.

 I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories.

 That’s all. 

Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”

(Charles Bukowski)

- Dear Old Dad ...

Dear Old Dad

This world, the Earth, around us spins so slowly

If only I could see this truth that you say that you see

My truth is my friends, my wife, my Lord and family

For me, they’re the only ones that I ever truly need

You fill your life with everything that occupies

Takes all of your time, feeds you no truth, only lies

Tell me you seek truth in a world of dishonest men?

That will send me off this Earth and we’ll end back here again

It’s right up in front, but no one else can see it, not even you

I can speak and talk and act and listen, but knowing you, what good does that do?

You need to learn for yourself son, and teach nobody else

If you’re too busy with them, you can’t cure what hurts within

They do not matter; they are only one person that you see

It’s you, not them, that is the person who is moving blindly

Sure they have their own shit, but that shits all theirs

If you think you can cure it, then you throw yourself to the bears

Sharks, wolves, who cares what the fucking saying is

That’s not the point I’m making, are you even fucking listening

The words coming out of my mouth mean nothing to you now

But wait for the future, you’ll see it will somehow.

It’s important to know, realize, and especially understand.

Because there is no one in life there to give you an extra hand

Your life is yours, you should live it that, just for you

DO NOT waste all your time doing what others want you to

Take it, or leave, choose what you want, choose as you will

Just don’t come crying back to me when you’ve fallen down that ole dirt hill

I give you my word, son, that I won’t be mad

This is just my knowledge…I’m only dear old Dad

Music & Lyrics by Joshua Gaudette

August / 2012

- Let The Masters Defend Themselves ...

I thought I would blog today. I felt that I may need to respond to a series of comments; yet again, levied toward a quote from an author I deeply admire. Then it occurred to me; why not let the man himself, do the explaining?  So here it is; the thought, in its entirety, if you still can't understand it, I'd begin to question your willingness to comprehend...

“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against it?  A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too—for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist—in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless—I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality—namely my idea of justice—was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be a word without meaning.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (1952; Harper Collins: 2001) 38-39.

-Merry Mithras To All & To All Get Over Yourself }:)

The very 1'st post from my iPhone! Gotta love the Blogger App }:) I'd like to take you back to Christmas 2K. (or there abouts) I'd just been laid off from Freightliner & had to move Sara & our 3 boys back into a 2 bedroom apt.

At the time Joshua had just started grade 1, Joseph: kindergarten & Jack was 4yrs. old. Having just gone through a lay-off & having to move made it a very difficult time for all of us, but we were together & that's what was most important for Sara & I. I had been deeply embroiled in a study w/ a couple of friends & lay offs aside I was batting around a very real internal struggle. I had made a decision a number of years before. I had decided to be brutally honest w/ the people in my life. This meant that hurt feelings aside, I would approach any confrontation w/ truth 1'st. Sara & I, at the very beginning of our relationship, had decided we'd have no secrets. 

We'd opted, almost immediately, for complete honesty.

With these absolutes in my life, coupled w/ the study I was doing, I found myself very torn. I found myself raising children & feeding them a lie. We had been actively participating in the perpetuation of a myth, told to children for generations, & I couldn't do it anymore. I had to tell our children the truth, I had to tell them there is no Santa Claus. My decision was welcomed by my wife. Sara agreed it was far better to share the joy & wonder of the holiday, than it was to perpetuate a myth. For us the joy of family, of giving and putting aside age old family garbage for the sake of togetherness has always the wonder of Christmas. Sharing that w/ our children was of absolute importance. We also recognized the importance of integrity. To claim things like truth & honesty as a part of our belief structure & then blatantly take part in the mythical story of a fantasy character was hypocritical to say the least.

So there it was, and some people in our lives were horrified, "how dare we take the magic of Christmas from our children". Jack was 4, Joe in J.K. & Josh just starting grade 1. We told them the truth, there's no such person as Santa Claus. We told them that even the person of "Jesus Christ", to the best of our knowledge, while most certainly a real person that existed, scholars had learned much in recent years. For instance the figure of Jesus was quite possibly modeled after the mythical Pagan God Mithras, who had been worshiped by the Roman Soldiers. That these military men were more then likely the reason Rome eventually adopted Christianity. We shared how the traditional practices we recognize were mostly practices borrowed over time from Saturnalia celebrations; & how these and many other traditions, borrowed from many other cultures and their practices have come together to "evolve" into the holiday we now celebrate today. We shared w/ these young boys, barely out of toddler age, that the rest was for them to discover on their own, and that we'd always do our best to help them find real answers to their questions, and we'd always share our own faith's, our doubts & experiences openly, always making truth the absolute goal. 

My question to you the reader is simple; what do your kids believe? What truth do you openly share with them? Are they under the false belief that a bunny brings chocolate in the middle of the night? Do you claim to seek truth, but allow your children to believe that a fat man with reindeer brings them presents? Are you bashing mysticism but tucking away a nice comfortably convenient justification to keep this one going? "Well their kidz, come on this one's O.K." Children smell bullshit & hypocrisy like a dog smells fear. I'm committed to the pursuit of truth in my life, & while so many mock my faith as weakness, my children, who've lived with truth & integrity as a staple in their lives, know their parents as a source of absolute truth. Even when the only real truth is that I don't know, & we may have to find out together. There is no bullshit here, I think it's because I have no fear; of those things I know nothing about.

Be Good, Love; S.

- Anonymous Contribution ...

 - Please, appreciate as I do, an individual's choice to contribute anonymously. There is no need, nor any room for stone throwing here. I deeply respect the need for anonymity in many arenas of life, & if the internet can provide that, I'm grateful for yet another contribution ... 

 - A very compelling insight ...

Are both okay? Hey look, don't get me wrong... I'm a double-blind study kinda person. But, while waiting for the results, I rely on my faith to get me through! Golden, I read with relish your well thought out responses. Articulate, insightful and with sound reasoning to back up your stance, while not bashing others. Stacey, I'm glad you saw that this post (Adam's Recent Response) was worth the read... and the discernment. But maybe, just maybe... there's those who stand with a foot on both sides of the line! Not just an 'if you're not with me you're against me' way to think. And, why not?

It matters... of course it matters. This debate provides the impetus to have meaningful discourse over that which has caused humanity to bring the best and worst out in itself. Believe or Don't Believe? Creation or Evolution? By and by, humanity evolves their thinking, as Golden aptly points out. And we can handily see how living things evolve over time to adapt to their environment in order to survive. So, do I (and many other educated, uneducated, intelligent, simple, burdened, unburdened... humans who also believe in a 'higher being / power') believe in evolution. Of course! It's blatantly apparent!

But (you know there's always a 'but') under the things-that-make-you-go-'hmmmmm' department, there are very real and documented happenings that all the see-touch-feel-hear-smell-know kind of logic in the world doesn't explain. Oh sure, I could go on to list some, or tell you about the one I've personally experienced, but that would only throw the conversation into the proving or disproving of these events (you know some of you would 'go there') and sidetrack the point. The higher thinking is... maybe, just maybe... it isn't one or the other. Maybe it's both!

I picture a Belief Venn diagram! Simple, nope. Possible, yep. Why Golden, even you refer to something 'miraculous' ;-) Don't mean to catch you up... my case in point is 'why not?'! Why not come to the understanding that the validity of see-touch-feel-hear-smell-know (and this includes know that you don't know and seek to find out) can give us a good moral compass, and produce new discoveries for the masses, and move us toward acceptance of differences, and support of intolerance for bigotry, hate and oppression? Why not come to the understanding that a higher power (which is recognized in its many forms) is the explanation for that which is miraculous? I know I can't explain miraculous happenings! Can you? A simple 'I don't know' doesn't cut it in my book. I'm all for accepting the fact that there are things I don't know. Things that the most learned people in the world don't know.... yet. A cure for cancer, for instance. Will a higher power come along and plant the cure for cancer in the mind of someone so that there's no more cancer? Likely not! Have there been miraculous happenings in the cancer world? Yep! Some of the most brilliant physicians in the world would tell you, "I don't believe in God, but I do believe in miracles." These double-blind study, don't-believe-in-God, brilliant human beings have witnessed miraculous happenings.

I'll count myself amongst the group of people that have realized this more recent adaptation in human evolution. When it comes to something that is simply beyond comprehension, simply unexplainable, seemingly hopeless, I will not be deterred in my search for the answer, while finding strength in a higher power to continue to look and having the faith that I may just find an answer... or perhaps experience another miracle. Now, not everybody needs to, chooses to, wants to... what-have-you... believe in such a power. They might even be okay with 'I don't know'. And that's fine. Whatever floats your boat. But as for me... I'm living in the best of both worlds!

Someone you just might know.