- A Parental Perspective ...

This one may just seem to ramble, but I hope you stick around long enough, you may just see me through a little clearer lens.  Am I an Atheist? At times, “hell” yes I am. Am I a believer? Well, I believe in a lot of things, most of all, the inherent goodness of all mankind, it’s there; I’ve witnessed it far too many times to deny it. Am I Agnostic or Agnostic Theist? By those that would consider a label necessary I am all these things, and more. I am moderate. I am “just right of centre”. I am a firm believer that; left to its own devices, mankind has always struck a healthy balance w/ nature. However unsettling the penalties are; for those w/ weak stomachs, nature wins out every time. We can kick, scream & whine all we want; yet, the earth remains a heartless judge & a short history lesson proves she has absolutely no conscience.  Without a doubt, my political leanings are Anarchist at best, & have been since my earliest stirrings on the topic.

Age, time, experience, all of it changes us if we let it. I’ve met 15yr. olds w/ as much, if not more wisdom to offer. One can be hard, rigid & stone-like, but to what end? What single experience indicates that a given line of thinking must be right? Daily life isn’t a science experiment second by second, minute to minute. Most moments are defined by shades of grey, and each person will see those shades in a far different light. Certainly gravity takes over if we jump off a ledge, there is no fighting with such laws and absolutes; yet someone with a different belief system can still pull you back, given a chance, if your hand is open.  Once safely back neither has to read the same literature; a hug, handshake, a “thanks for the help” is often enough.

I dreamed of being a husband & father from as early as I can remember. My heart, my mind and every cell of my being tell me that no government should ever have the power to legislate morality. If we empower the women in our lives, then they will make decisions for themselves. Anyone who knows me knows the depth of love I have for my children and every young person in my life. I have, in no small way, made this pursuit, the empowerment of youth, the driving force in my life. At 21yrs. old I was told that, without my knowledge or consent, a young woman I dated just a short time earlier had aborted my child. My 1’st child’s life was ended before it ever had a chance to begin. My heart aches to this very day, it is with this pain that I tell you that I stand by my belief. A woman’s body is hers & no government should ever have the power to legislate morality. These are the lessons that age, wisdom, & experience teach. There are those that will undoubtedly get lost in the right or wrong debate, yet it happened, to me, & my answer is simple: “Shades of Grey”, “Lessons Learned”, & one more reason to offer love on a daily basis, no questions asked. }:)

Every time I look in the mirror I still see the 10yr. old boy who believed he’d be watching Saturday morning cartoons forever. You see, that kid always believed growing up would solve all his problems, & now that he’s an adult he understands the paradox. I’m all grown up & I wish I would have spent more quality time, really enjoying those cartoons. I wish I would have taken the time to savor each bite of Kap’n Krunch. However corny and awkward you may believe it to be, it really is all just dust in the wind. Remember, there’s no escape from those laws, absolutes are just that, & the 1’st law of thermodynamics teaches us that we are all subject to entropy my friends. Like a sand castle blowing away in the warm summer winds. Each and every second that passes is never coming back, think about that, and pause to consider those precious seconds you’ve wasted.  

Certainly our children are the most precious gifts we have. What about each minute spent in arguments, at odds, butting heads?  These are wasted on anger, & never subject to refund. The choice to be quiet, end the argument and offer love, open arms, a shoulder to catch tears suddenly becomes far more palatable then continuing to force a point that is ultimately just a lesson that needs to be learned through experience. I’m convinced that I figured this out about 19yrs. ago, when I began to passionately guard every second with Sara. I learned quickly the difference between petty male jealously, & being envious of time that I couldn’t have w/ her. It seems almost infantile now, but the same idea applies, what I struggle with the most today, is “sharing” my time. I guard passionately, my time with Sara & all four of my children. I believe it to be the most valuable thing of all. I admit that I am given to anger and argument as much as anyone, my biggest trigger though is the idea that I’m wasting precious seconds battling a point, or some justification that in the end means absolutely nothing. I’d sooner submit, consider the opposing opinion & move on to greener pastures.

I really am the same person today. I’m the same as I was, 30, 20 even 10yrs. ago. A little older, wiser, far more guarded, (in a good way), but the same. I was 11yrs. old when my 1’st nephew was born. My sister & brother-in-law, made sure that we had a niece and a second nephew in no short order. I can remember marvelling at the tiny fingers on my nieces hand as I sat in the back seat of my mother’s car. I’ve said (far too many times for their liking I’m sure), that it was those very days that made me aware of what I wanted to do in life. I never dreamed of any other job after those days. I didn’t imagine myself as a pro-hockey player, a rock-star, fireman or a doctor; I aspired to be my father, my brother-in-law. I saw myself as a husband and a father. It was 19yrs. ago, when Sara came into my life that my sisters finally began to allow me to spend any significant amount of time with my then, 6nephews & 2(soon to be 3) nieces. Those were the days that reinforced to me that mine was to be a path few travel w/ as much passion. Movies, video game testing at the mall, sleepovers, too much ice cream, & even a rare test drive in a convertible Camaro were all the assurances I needed that mine would prove to be a road to happy destiny.

I look back & can see now that these moments are certainly what motivated me to sober up as quickly as I did. My drive has always been to be a positive influence, a stable figure, or just plain worthy of the time I have with the people in my life. This time, each & every moment, is the single biggest, & most valuable commodity I can imagine. Far too many of us lose this focus; we’re caught up in the news item of the day, or paying off the new 50” plasma. 28 dead & Facebook statuses are replete with: “huggin my kidz a little tighter today”, I shake my head & want to scream from the mountain tops: “hug & love your kidz, & all your loved ones, everyday”! Good grief, I fail to realize how or why we need some motivation to show love. Sure, tragedy becomes a reminder of what’s important, but if we make time to share this love every day, the message becomes clear; these people in our lives know, without question, that they are a priority.

While reading a piece a fellow blogger posted I came across a comment, to paraphrase, it read that “there is no never land, we all have to grow up sometime”, & my heart broke. It’s tragic to me that anyone can think that way in today’s day & age. The tag line of so many movies, the plots of so many stories all speak to the same lesson, & I’d like to think that I’ve paid close attention. I will never live up to some societal standard; I will never “grow up”. I blare music in my car as loud today as I ever did when I was 18, if there is a good song on the radio, you can bet your ass that I will dance like I don’t care who’s watching, & my wife & children are usually dancing right along with me. If my 18yr. old son comes home from a difficult shift at work, he doesn’t even have to ask, he climbs in between his mother & father, gets the hugs & love he needs, and gets some laughs from Leno’s monologue before heading off to bed feeling a lot better about his day. I maintain; growing up is for suckers.

To be sure, there is a certain level of responsibility we must adopt as we get older. I’m certainly glad that I figured this out when I did. I was 28yrs. old when clean & sober living came along, & I’ve honestly never looked back. Sure, there have been times when I can almost taste the ice cold amber beers hitting the back of my throat. I see them sparkle in the sun while someone else tips their bottle back & I think: “hmmm”? Ultimately, I can never imagine giving up what I’ve gained. More often than not, it’s about being the one person who’s made a decision & stayed true to that choice when so many can’t decide what socks to wear that day. Sorry to say it, but it’s true, & I said you may get to see me through a clearer lens, right !? I’m not sitting in my back yard drinking a beer & justifying it by saying “I’ve worked all day, I’m allowed”, I’m not spending money on pot, & saying, “its safer then alcohol”. Truth be told, I stopped having to justify & give reasons why, about 16yrs. ago. If I want to buy a 50” plasma today, I do it, because I can, & I pay cash.

Enter: “MjrPhallus”.

When it comes to being an adult, I guess I struggle to some extent. A number of years ago, Sara said the most hurtful thing she’s ever said to me. It wasn’t the word she chose, that was laughable; yet the tone she used: low, even, very matter-of-fact & intentionally hurtful has left a lasting mark, on all of us. This wasn’t spoken in argument, it wasn’t yelled or screamed; it was spoken almost conversationally, & has since become a defining moment in our family. In all the years I’ve given to sobriety there has been one constant, I inherited this from my parents & my aunt & uncle. Our home is open to all 24/7 – 365. Call, come over we’ll put coffee on, turn on the tea kettle, & work out whatever is wrong, as best we can. In 15yrs. / 11mos, you can safely bet we’ve damn near seen & heard more than our share of woes. We’ve also helped in whatever way was needed, whenever & however we could, to that end we’ve also received more than our fair share of help; from anonymous gift baskets, to a sister driving two hours to give us half of the box of food that had been donated to her.

Having noted all of the above, there are things I cannot possibly abide. If you show up on my door step, broke and penniless because you’ve spent your money on toys, instead of paying your bills, then how am I to feel sorry for you? If your living lies, while trying to rip off government programs, then how can I offer help? If you’re drinking alcohol & smoking pot and can’t figure out why your family has a hard time living with you, then why would I tell you any different? On one specific occasion, I was expected to offer sympathy where none was warranted, and was told: “Stacey, you’re an ass, you’re a giant dick”. To which I responded: “I prefer Major Phallus”, as I struggle w/ profanity, one can understand my phonetic preference. 

I looked at Sara, very deeply and I asked her: “Why? Why do you want to leave”? In a very matter of fact tone, directly, softly, & deliberately, she answered: “Because you’re an asshole”.

I have never before & never since been so deeply hurt by her, my wife, & my best friend. Not because she had called me this name, to take offense to this would be infantile, but because I knew she was right. I’d known this about myself for years. I’d worked for years to become the man that I was, that I am, & quite frankly, I like me, then and now. I refuse to justify who I am, & I refuse to spare feelings where truth belongs. Trust me when I say that I in no way presume to be the bearer of truth almighty. I will continue to wear my ignorance in most things like a badge of honor, but in this case I was crippled by the knowledge that my closest & dearest friend was so deeply affected by the person I’d become. It’s since become a defining moment for us as a couple & a family, & I’m happy to report that our family is closer & stronger than we ever imagined we could be. Today, Dad’s a Mjr Asshole, & we’re all O.K. with that. It’s a running joke that if I want more friends I should stop being such an asshole, but then they remind me that they prefer me this way, cause I keep them honest, & hold them accountable, I guess dads are supposed to do that sort of thing, so I’ll just keep being me, & if they like me, I guess I can like me to.

Anyone who’s been in our home knows that there is a definite level of immaturity that goes with being here. There is love, hugs are free and in abundance, tears flow freely & more often than not are followed quickly with belly laughs and more reasons to smile then one can shake a stick at.  We hold each other accountable, and typically chose truth over spared feelings, mistakes corrected quickly; quickly become lessons learned, that can then be passed on, in this home that’s a valuable resource.

So then, what am I, believer non-believer? Somewhere in between maybe? Other than a husband, father, brother, uncle, friend I'm not really certain. I am me, that's enough most days, and I'm sure tomorrow I'll be the same, one day older, one day wiser, one more day sober. When I'm not sure, when I begin to question you can be sure our 5’10” / 207lb, 14yr.old Defensive Tackle will need a hug, & when he does he knows where to come to get it.

If you've made it this far, I’m eternally grateful,

Love; S.