- 2008? ... looking good from here !!!

- well, 2007 has been challenging to say the least.That noted, if you were to ask our boys, 2008 is shaping up to be a Very Good Year! A brief explanation before I move on. The oldest one, being Thirteen ((in the middle here)) has started his grumblings about posters, decorating his room and the like. Now let me point out that he is a very good boy, and generally doesn't ask for much; so when Sara brought these requests to my attention, I was a little surprised, but willing to talk about acceptable material. Respecting Sara as the only woman in the "locker room" we tend to call home, will always be our primary concern. We've felt that they need, first to respect their mother, with that in place, respect for women should come naturally. Let me say here, "so far, so good". I'm happy to report that the random act; of holding the door open for a lady is getting to be fairly common place! A little contradictory eh? Well I want it to be that way. When it becomes second nature and not so random, then I've accomplished something. It's a thin line between, objectifying women, appreciating beauty and just plain being male. The bottom line for us was Sara having a say as to what goes into their rooms. Their mother would be the deciding factor. Sports Illustrated has traditionally been tasteful, and we agreed "parentally acceptable". You can see the disappointment in their faces, it's palpable isn't it!

-We want them to embrace their boyhood after all, Celebrate their masculinity !

- Looks to me like their Celebrating Something! ...

You ever, start something and wish you'd been doing it for years!? Yeah your seeing where I'm going, take sobriety, I've yet to meet anyone who's been successful and not felt that same small regret; "Why didn't I figure this out ten years ago?". Mindful meditation, Why couldn't I have begun practising in my late teens, or early twenties? Well, blogging has become my latest, "I wish I woulda". These holidays have proven to be some of the best we've had. The way this year was closing out it sure didn't seem like it would go that way. The boys loved their Christmas morning, as did we. I felt pretty good for the ride down to Sara's parents too. Aside from Sara, and the kids, these are my two favourite people on the planet. Without fail, we arrive and I dread the thought of having to leave. It doesn't ruin my time though. Don't mistake my heavy heart for doom and gloom. I just like being there that much. I got medicated, and Sara drove back. It went very well. Since being in Aylmer, we've experimented with changing up our route to and from the 401, we've found some county roads that cut our drive time down to probably 1hr. 45min. straight through. It's been a real improvement. We were able to visit with a family member we've not seen in a while and enjoyed the time beyond description. Although, a little too long in the hot tub for Jack, and he needed a nap once home! I have no idea what 2008 holds in store, and I've no sense of fear, or trepidation. It really is like a "Bring it on", kind of feel. I would love nothing more than to find a way to write for you all the time, maybe even commit to a daily piece. I feel it as a calling, I would love to be attending meetings more consistently. The years where I was really working hard for the Tuesday night group in Sparta were some of the best in memory. I pray that my higher power can really provide, lead and direct me to the next step. I will once again ask you all to share, comment, give me some feed back. Good, Bad, anything at all. WSIB, truly has the reigns here. It would seem that their word will undoubtedly be the last. This R.E.C. ((Regional Evaluation Centre)) is a little curious. I just hope that things will continue to move along as seamlessly as they have thus far. You see the pictures, I am blessed, and I thank you all. WE, this Gaudette family, hope and pray that everyone whose eyes touch this Blog site; will benefit from it. We long for each of you to have a safe, joyous, and prosperous 2008. - This we pray for you ...

Native American Prayer

Oh, Great Spirit; whose voice I hear in the winds, and whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me. I am small and weak, I need your strength and wisdom. Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset. Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice. Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught my people. Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock. I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy - myself. Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes. So when life fades, as the fading sunset, my Spirit may come to you without shame.

(translated by Lakota Sioux Chief Yellow Lark in 1887)

- Huggers Unite, it's wildcat time !!!

- so what happens to the "hugger" ? I really need to know. Please, if any of you have information or experience, now would be the time to send a comment. I vaguely remember a comic referring to his wife or girlfriend when he said; "She's so frigid, when she opens her mouth, a light comes on"! I don't know about that, I've not had that problem personally, good for a laugh though. Yet, there are some cold people out there, and still my question stands. What happens to the hugger? How long till the cold people suck us dry? What'll you all do when our tanks go empty. I've said it before, and I'm sure it'll be said again; "I'm a hugger". I'll tell you here and now that I'm sick and tired of carrying the load. I'm guessing that I probably speak for others who are a little fed up with the cold people hiding behind their frigid B.S. You know what, We Don't Care if your parents didn't cuddle you enough; try crying into a pillow, all by yourself, see how that feels. Whimper away in your little corner and cry a river all alone, how does that sound? With no one to hold you and comfort your fears, or wipe your tears. I know that you can figure out where the tissues are, how about no one getting up to get those for you? I'm about ready to lead a Lock-out, on all Hugs and Comforting. That way all you cold, frigid, complaining M.F'rs. can have it your way. We'll have some time to fill our batteries, and you all; can get a sense of what it's like to be totally, completely alone. You'll have no one to hug you and make you feel loved, no one to comfort you and build you up when you feel down, you'll have no one to hold you when your feeling alone and tired. All those times you've cringed at the sight of our open arms approaching; you'll get what you've always wanted. You will get to feel completely cold, and totally alone. Exactly the way you make us; The Huggers, feel with your cold frigid, unfeeling B.S.

Now, hold on my Lovelies, I know your probably a little surprised, your saying hey big man, that ain't you, your just a little bitter today. Maybe your just aching a little from that great night of tossing and turning on your five piece sectional. Your wondering why I'm advocating a Wild Cat Strike for all the Huggers. Let me explain... As I lay cold and alone, on the downstairs sofa, with my toes in my 13 year old's ears; I had a moment of absolute terror. I imagined a world where we all ran out. For a brief moment; I perceived a place where all you cold, bitter, unfeeling dead-beats, had no one. In my minds eye you were all moping around, complaining that Daddy & Mommy didn't hug you enough, whimpering about how the world hates you and everyone is out to get you. You would freely commit your crimes and rest comfortably on all of your justifications and sound excuses. Then, when it came time to have someone sympathise, there was no one. All of us; The Huggers, were gone. We couldn't possibly, care less, anymore! Our tanks empty, dried up and used to the very bone; we packed our bags. Not that we were bitter, it really isn't our way. More like we really needed a drink; so, not having a lot of reasons to trust, we did the responsible thing. We took our ball in hand, spun on our heel, walked away, and went home. You see, at home we can always get what we need, there mom will always be waiting to fill our tanks back up. At home we can always be assured that there is a big box of cereal in the cupboard, there is always enough milk in the refrigerator. At home we can sit, big bowl of cereal in our lap, right in front of the T.V. and watch Saturday Morning Cartoons. Lost in absolute, pure, total security! At home we learned how to love because it was freely provided; the same way we provide it to you! Just because you all didn't, doesn't mean you lack the ability to learn from us. It is about time you take up the task at hand and begin to reciprocate that which has been so freely given to you. Go ahead and look down on us, The Huggers, laugh at our ability to openly show our desire to love. Make fun, and openly joke while we sit, arms wide open ready to catch you when you fall. But know this, we have every ability to shut the very arms you take for granted. What a world; if we, some day took away the very same arms you seek out. The very place in which your frigid, cold, unfeeling heart feels warmth. Food for thought! You should know that our desire to love, so freely is very much a choice, as much as it is my choice to distance myself from those who continue to cause me hurt. We really can, take or leave those cold hearted people in our lives. We are here for you, it would seem. So you have somewhere to land when your bitterness trips you up. A call to "Closed Arms" for all The Huggers !? Who knows, maybe a wake up call for all the cold hearted. It seems to me that; Love so freely given, shouldn't be taken for granted. I'm not so naive as to forget the world we live in, I'm feeling a little empty, is all. All you cold, frigid people who've ever felt the secret need to be held; take note. We; The Huggers, all need to be filled back up once in a while. From our perspective it is absolutely infantile to see that all of this hostility, all of this frustration, all of this insecurity could be cured with the open arms of another, waiting to give back the very love we give away so freely. As for all of you who say we're to needy; where are you when your feeling cold and alone? Those of you who pull away, when you see us coming, we're not so naive that we don't realize how lonely your truly feeling, we feel that same cold when we're ignored.

A world with no Huggers ... how cold would that be ...

I don't think that we, The Huggers, The Lovers of the world, have yet to give up on any of you, the cold, and unfeeling. So rest assured that when you need our arms, in spite of yourself, we'll undoubtedly be here, waiting. After all it's one of the few times we get to feel like you really do care. Even if we're only filling you up again. Know that our tanks run dry. God forbid, we ever do organize, we are the keepers of compassion, and that's not something any of you could do without! I'm holding out for your change of heart! Love, S.

- Merry Christams to All ...

- Anarchism:

- 1 : a political theory holding all forms of governmental authority to be unnecessary and undesirable and advocating a society based on voluntary cooperation and free association of individuals and groups

- Anarchy: (from Greek: ἀναρχία anarchía, "without ruler") may refer to any of the following:
- "Absence of government; a state of lawlessness due to the absence or inefficiency of the supreme power; political disorder."(1)
- "A theoretical social state in which there is no governing person or body of persons, but each individual has absolute liberty (without the implication of disorder)."(2)
- "Absence or non-recognition of authority and order in any given sphere."(3)
It should be noted that "ruler", if used in the context of the third bullet point, has no explicit connection to the term "rules". In an anarchy, as defined by the last bullet point, it is possible to have rules (laws), however, these must be agreed upon by the participants in the system, and not imposed from above, by a ruler (leader, authority).

- ANARCHISM : (from the Gr. , and , contrary to authority), the name given to a principle or theory of life and conduct under which society is conceived without government - harmony in such a society being obtained, not by submission to law, or by obedience to any authority, but by free agreements concluded between the various groups, territorial and professional, freely constituted for the sake of production and consumption, as also for the satisfaction of the infinite variety of needs and aspirations of a civilized being. In a society developed on these lines, the voluntary associations which already now begin to cover all the fields of human activity would take a still greater extension so as to substitute themselves for the state in all its functions. They would represent an interwoven network, composed of an infinite variety of groups and federations of all sizes and degrees, local, regional, national and international temporary or more or less permanent - for all possible purposes: production, consumption and exchange, communications, sanitary arrangements, education, mutual protection, defence of the territory, and so on; and, on the other side, for the satisfaction of an ever-increasing number of scientific, artistic, literary and sociable needs. Moreover, such a society would represent nothing immutable. On the contrary - as is seen in organic life at large - harmony would (it is contended) result from an ever-changing adjustment and readjustment of equilibrium between the multitudes of forces and influences, and this adjustment would be the easier to obtain as none of the forces would enjoy a special protection from the state.
If, it is contended, society were organized on these principles, man would not be limited in the free exercise of his powers in productive work by a capitalist monopoly, maintained by the state; nor would he be limited in the exercise of his will by a fear of punishment, or by obedience towards individuals or metaphysical entities, which both lead to depression of initiative and servility of mind. He would be guided in his actions by his own understanding, which necessarily would bear the impression of a free action and reaction between his own self and the ethical conceptions of his surroundings. Man would thus be enabled to obtain the full development of all his faculties, intellectual, artistic and moral, without being hampered by overwork for the monopolists, or by the servility and inertia of mind of the great number. He would thus be able to reach full individualization, which is not possible either under the present system of individualism, or under any system of state socialism in the so-called Volkstaat (popular state).

- First; let me thank; Merriam Webster on-line, Wikipedia on-line, and Encyclopedia Britannica on-line, for making these definitions available.

- the story goes that this gentleman realized at about Thirty Years Old, or so that he had a calling. So without any hesitation he headed out. He gained a fairly significant following to. In all honesty, this was not unlike the modern day "Heaven's Gate", of Marshall Applewhite or maybe The Church of latter day Saints. It was very similar in many respects. We could draw comparisons to Jehovah's Witnesses or even the Evangelists of today. You see this guy had; in every way, a large, en masse, movement growing up around him; that his government had to put down very quickly. In fact the very crux of his teaching would throw out the need for his governmental system. You need to understand here, that the system of the time demanded all peoples pay for pure, acceptable sacrifices in order that they be cleansed or absolved of sin, and you could barley step outside without becoming dirty, or falling "in sin". This system crippled it's people while the "Priests of the Temple System" grew fat and rich off its proceeds; gaining a tenth or "Tithe" of all the peoples earnings. Well then; along came a this gentlemen who basically said, "if you believe, then you are free". As simple as that, Your Faith sets You Free. The fat, rich Priests in Power couldn't have it's people believing such preposterous rubbish, this man had to be stopped. They stopped Him alright, but today His Teaching has become the base for the very laws that govern the richest and most free continent in the world. A free people are better thinkers, free enterprise encourages learning and experimentation, this leads to better health care and even further education. It's not perfect but it is the back bone of this Great Nation, and I love being a Canadian. You know what, I even like our drunken, belligerent brother to the South. Sure we gotta bail him out of trouble far too much; but he's done some great things. They're free, down there to, you can stand on their streets and peacefully complain. We have invented the Internet, we can own a business and go to hospital, hand out flyer's and spew forth our opinion anywhere we wish, not perfect but We Are Free!

- You see my pretties; I think that this man, in His short three years, led one of the biggest revolutions in recorded history. I am convinced that he was, and is the most successful Anarchist in history. Single handed, with words and a revolution in thinking He Challenged the existing system. Most thinkers would agree that in a very short two thousand years we are seeing the proof that He Won!!! The temple system He challenged has long since fallen. His teachings on peace, love and inclusiveness permeate all of our children's school lessons today. Where they are lacking, missionaries are providing educators with higher levels of learning and inclusiveness. Even men who seek freedom are more inclined to see a man, and not his faith or skin colour first. Most Anarchists would tell you that they believe in man's inherent inclination toward good and decency. There will always be those inclined toward violence, we are animals after all. Yet, here was a man who saw a great injustice, and simply taught his followers, that they need not pay The Man: "Your Faith sets you Free". Over two thousand years later; people are still fighting and finding knew, more terrifying ways to kill; over doctrines, beliefs, and men's interpretations of various scriptures. Still; He taught us that complete freedom was available to us all, we need only believe. Most important he taught us "All Were Welcomed".

- This Christmas, be thankful for this Gift of Peace. I am eternally Grateful for The Gift of the Man who taught me Freedom! I'm not sure when He was born, but if this is the the day we recognize His birth, I'm certain that we were all given a gift.

- In His Teaching; Your Faith will set you Free ... Love, S.

- I guess ya just never can tell ...

- Apologies ...

- It's been far too long since my last post. I was convinced that I'd dazzle your eyes, & touch your hearts; maybe even move you to tears with my latest revelation. You may be surprised to find out how wrong; I truly turned out to be! Settle in my lovelies, I've a bitchin story to tell. Last weekend I was able to sit for thirty minutes; I actually had my oldest boy sit with me. It was very cool. I had a C.T. Scan the week previous and looked forward to receiving the results this week; I should tell you here, that I was instructed not to hold my breath as the nurses may tell you four to five business days but it's usually more like a month or two.

While listening to an interview with Jon Kabat-Zinn, I found myself very moved by a statement he made. He spoke about the mistake we, as parents, make when we place our expectations on our children. He spoke directly to my heart in that moment. I could see my own short comings and how this very same mistake had held me back. By doing this; we rob our children of the freedom they require to embrace who they see themselves becoming. Had that been done to me? What about you, can you see this in your own childhood? I'm determined not to let it happen to our kids. So I proceeded to talk to them immediately. This knew found knowledge would not sit vacantly, in my heart. Surely, I can accept that my vision for my children's' future can and, undoubtedly will, clash with their own vision for themselves. But the very fact that I have this knowledge, and am willing to share it with them can make a landmark impact in the history that is my small family. I've always maintained my desire to send free thinkers, (("Dry Sponges; Ready to Absorb All That's Available")) out into this world. Therefore the moment I'm aware of such an important piece of information, I'm obligated to share it with them. This is also how I came to sit with my oldest boy. To have such a powerful practice at my fingertips and not expose him to it, would almost be criminal in my mind. Ultimately; the decision to adopt it as a part of his life, is his to make, but the responsibility to give him the tools is all mine.

So you can see the positives I've enjoyed coming into this week. The C.T. Scan was quite "non-invasive", and altogether uneventful. The financial challenges continue to present themselves and, as always, we deal with them as they come. We're eating well, the boys are getting to school and bills are getting paid. Sara's enjoying her job beyond description and I'm really happy with the therapy sessions. It's nice to go home with a very real sense of accountability. The chiropractor is proving beneficial, I just don't know how long term the help will be. Into this week we come ...

I looked forward to Friday, knowing that I would attend an appointment with the family Doctor right after an appointment with Dr. Colledge. I have every confidence in Dr. Green, he's been very thorough with us, and very attentive with the boys. As I sat in his office my biggest fear was that he'd tell me that the tests had found nothing, I really wasn't even concerned about whether or not the report had come yet. The belief that I must be faking, and seeking out attention is surely some labelling, accusatory memory left over from my childhood. I simply wasn't prepared for what I heard. Let me back up to the initial injury, it goes back three or four years. I was spinning tires at work and bent over the spinning machine for a few days. I was lead to believe that I had bulged a disc in my low back. I was told that it seemed the "L5" disc was bulging and some therapy would alleviate this discomfort. Years later I figure I've just re-aggravated the same injury. I was totally unprepared to hear the Doctor tell me that he has no way to explain why a Thirty-Nine year old man has "Multi Level Degenerative Disc Disease". The report showed; that as the nurses preformed the scan, from my " L2" to my "S2", four discs showed signs of "Degenerative Disc Disease". Two of those showed bulging, one of these showed herniation. A far cry from a minor bulge in my "L5" !!!

- Shock?

- Ha! That's an understatement!

It's hard to be positive, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't run around. I've spent every waking moment; since January 15, 1997, working on being a better man, a better husband and a better father. The biggest joy I take in life is being able to play a little basketball with my boys. I don't want riches, monetary wealth, cars, or boats ((although a fifty footer, to tour the lakes would be cool)), I seek nothing but the company of my wife and children. Outside of this I might enjoy the company of family and friends. How do things like this happen, and why me?

Why not me !? Sometimes when we're stuck, I'm convinced, the universe will give us a nudge in the next direction we're destined for. Maybe this is my nudge. Some spend years waiting for answers, I got mine in a week or less. Any direction you might send along is welcomed. It never ceases to amaze me; how I can have this great plan in place, like this deeply inspirational piece I wanted to compose, so I can share this great epiphany with you all, and in a moment, in one breath, I'm humbled yet again. I find myself, so very grateful for the knowledge shared with me; to be able to appreciate each moment, I was there for them and found myself able, and willing to accept ... Thank-You All, Love, S.

- Leadership through submission ...

- When asked to summarize his teachings, the Buddha said…
“Nothing should be clung to as I, me or mine.”

- Nothing whatever should be grasped at and clung to as "me" or "mine."


This is the heart of Buddhism ...





- What a tall task, for any of us ! I remember sitting on a panel in Woodstock, Ontario a number of years ago. "The Marathon of Unity". It was a very powerful weekend, no doubt. Just after my own talk, we were able to have a break; after Sara and I returned and listened to the Al-anon Speakers. The main speaker opened with a point I've held very dear ever since. For fear of misquoting; I'll attempt to para-phrase by noting it thus ... "Anything, I've ever let go of, has claw marks all over it !" What a powerful image this paints; if we can sit and quietly appreciate the emotion she is attempting to convey with this passionate picture. We each have a story to tell, some are more gifted in their ability to paint the picture of their lives. Not too long ago we said goodbye to one of this generations most well travelled, and well respected Popes. Beyond being the Head of modern Catholicism, he was a man of Peace. Unfortunately; bound by eons of Vatican Law and Tradition, he was unable to bring much reform to the diseased body that is the Catholic Church. He did, however reach out to many heads of state, and did not back down to obvious disregard for human life. I am humbled by the legacy of Peace & Love he left behind. ((Has this last guy even left the house yet!?)) More recently we were all blessed to receive His Holiness, The 14'th Dali Lama. I assume a great deal here; but who can argue the fact that the world weeps, and is SCREAMING, for his teachings. On his tour; the world received a man of great wisdom, and ((who knew?)), Humour! We gaze upon these men and history dictates that we're supposed to see God Like creatures beyond our own human, fallible senses. Guess what!?; they are every bit as human as you and I. I may blaspheme here, but I'm going out on a limb. I'll guess that they've both had to wipe their own asses. I'd even go so far as to speculate that they've both experienced the horror of a "Finger Break-Through!". You all know that disaster, less than quality paper means cleaning under the finger nail!


My point here is pretty simple; normal, average people, called to greatness. Were they special, extraordinary, or maybe just those simple types you'd normally lose in a crowd. Well, I'm sure a little research would surprise you! I'm not prepared to bicker semantics, and argue whether or not there exists here some supernatural calling. I'll simply point out the powerful force for Wisdom, Goodness, and Change that each of these very mortal men possess. I'll point out here how they both took time, to address the very real need our world has for their teachings. Right or Wrong, agree or disagree, one cannot argue this worlds desperate need for tolerance, acceptance, the base realization that ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. This teaching is miserably lacking everywhere. In the West, where we're drowning in Conservative bickering back and forth, there is very little if any acceptance of each others differences. Don't kid yourselves, our biblical based laws and half-ass ed attempts at democracy dictate a need for Tolerance, but there is very little Acceptance.


- Luke 17:2 It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.


- Matthew 10:34"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.





These are the words of the very man, they all claim to worship and believe in. I am in no way trying to misquote the man, or even be so presumptuous as to try to interpret his words. I'm only pointing out that these are very strong statements. He tells us, not to suppose he intends peace, I take that to mean that I shouldn't assume I know the content of His Words. I figure, He probably wanted me to know that He intended Change, more than peace as change can be very "un-peaceful" sometimes! He tells us that it'd be better to jump in a lake, with a BIG ROCK tied to our neck, than it would be to cause a little innocent one to commit a sin, or "do a bad thing". Yet Pedophiles are released everyday!





I asked my self a question a long time ago, your probably kinda familiar with it yourself. I thought and pondered "Why am I here?; What's it all about?; Is there a point to it all?; Is There a God?." Now I wonder how many have thought this very same question. It seems to me, from what I learned in my very short Thirty-Nine Years, that we've all, pined and longed for the answer to this timeless query. Seemingly right back to The Aztecs, The Ancient Egyptians, peoples we've yet to discover ... I can only assume that the men quoted and discussed here today; at some point, lie in their childhood beds; maybe stared off into the evening stars and pondered ... "What is My purpose". I wonder if their answer was the same as mine. I wonder if they came to the very same Epiphany, that caught me by surprise as I showered the other day. You see, my lovelies, it came to me, I sit and practice, I read and share, I'm an open book, I exist, I am Here Today, For You ... and each of you ... for me. The answer to it all is quite simple it seems, as you sit and ponder, think of the one person whom you could look at Today, and say ... "I AM HERE FOR YOU". All of our wisdom, All of our knowledge, All of our teachings, and Learning's, All of our acceptance ... All of our Love & All of our Peace ... is meant to be shared with each other for the betterment of the species. We are all here, quite simply, for each other. Better yet, I'd be willing to bet, these men understood, before each of us, that ...


I am here for you ... Love, S.

- I'm stuck, it's been days since I've had even the Slightest idea of what to write. Man,I want to! Don,t get me wrong; it's just been hard. I've looked back and can't believe some of the rambling, pointless, bunny trails coming out of me. I'm sure I've offended someone, if not by content, then surely just with the painful process, of having to read the mental vomit being spewed. I do not want to become some lighthouse pointing the way toward bitterness and anger. I apologize for the junk I've recently dumped, it's quite simply the best forum for it. Unfortunately, you get stuck reading about my pitiful, poor me; hard done by; everyone take pity on the poor bald man; CRAP. I'm investigating many different forms of healing right now. From, Yoga to Mindful Meditation, and all points in between. Sara took a job yesterday ((Friday Nov.30/2007)), it is something she's been wanting for some time. For my part; I'm hoping that this will eventually take off, and give me some opportunity to share my experience, strength & hope with others. We're definitely at a transition, I'm not sure what will come but, I'm faithful that it will be positive. After that last blow up, I've been very encouraged by the dialogue Sara & I share. It is exquisite, in depth, and full with compassion. I sense a very real desire to hear one another. Really, quite passionate! I'ld love some input from anyone.

The most, inspirational happening of late would have to be the "Mindful Meditations" I've been successful in. So far, 1 ten minute, and 2 twenty minute sittings. Where I was able to be concius and aware. These were very empowering experiences, and I can now honestly say I'm looking forward to these times. I'm a little frustrated but, comitted to finding ways to expand and hopefully reach out to others. PLEASE LINK THIS BLOG IF YOU FEEL IT MAY TOUCH OTHERS !!!

I am also comitted to helping, if I can help you, please let me know, I'll be praying for you! Love, S.

- Through the eyes of a child ...

- first, Thank-You; the sisters who took time to recognize my Birthday. Depressing as it was. Thank-You to my in-laws, your thoughtfulness has become very important in my life, and therefore is always a source of inspiration, again; Thirty-Nine sucks ! My wife, & children, your efforts are so important and appreciated. Gerry, celebrating with you is always; my pleasure. Thanks; to each and every one of you !

This brings me to something I've thought you all might like to read about. Sara and I encourage our boys to embrace their Independence. In the school yard, they will always need to be aware of their responsibility to make good decisions. We've made every effort to educate them, in these very real scenarios. From their very first days in Junior Kindergarten, they've heard about schoolyard bullies, inappropriate discussions, good friends and bad friends, sharing and being taken advantage of. We have continually tried to empower them to be leaders and not followers, to keep these at home discussions open and fresh. Dialogue, in our home, IS A MUST! So imagine my surprise, when on Friday past; the day of my Thirty-Ninth Year, my eldest son came home from school with a "Store Bought" gift for dear old Dad! Every once in a while we provide our oldest boy with a few dollars to "Go Out" for lunch with his friends. It's something the kids in their school will do from time to time. They stay in a close knit group, generally head over to the local "Micky D's" and come straight back. On occasion they'll make a slight detour past a local candy shop; but that is about as exciting as it gets. We live in a small town, of about Six Thousand, so their really isn't too much room for trouble. Besides, generally, they are Good Kids! Growing up, Mom referred to our house as "The Flop House", when sleep overs happened or, we had out of town guests, we were the Billet of choice. Not to over exaggerate, the reality, but we put friends and family up often enough, so it's no surprise that Sara and I had Lot's of sleepovers with nieces and nephews and, the tradition has continued. Our boys have plenty of overnight guests, sleepover birthday parties and generally entertain friends here fairly often. Friday past, was one of those days when, the kids wanted to go out for lunch. We had a few dollars, and allowed Joshua to go. He wanted to detour over to a local variety store where they have some hats he wanted to look at. We o.k.'d it and gave him the extra in case he found a hat he liked. The story goes, upon entering the store, they spotted a hat with my favourite team logo on it; knowing it was my birthday, they all chipped in, bought it for me and even thought enough to stop at the dollar store to get a card, which they each signed. To know that this group of Twelve & Thirteen year olds, had it in them to be so thoughtful, is the single biggest spiritual boost I've experienced in a long, long time!

It goes, quite naturally, that we want just a little more for our children, then that which may or may not have been provided for us. Be it, Material, Spiritual, Love & Compassion, Faith in our Abilities and Forgiveness ... to whatever end is obviously for the individual. For me it's been a little over board, to say the least. I've spoiled them to put it bluntly. They often lose sight of just how blessed they are. I had very little, in the way of material things. Without fear of exaggeration, I can honestly tell you that my biggest form of entertainment, growing up, was rummaging through a large wood pile in the backyard of our City Housing, with a hammer and a coffee tin of old nails. We would build, ramps to jump, forts, and teeter totters to launch each other from. Injuries-a-Plenty... The hands on love and compassion I lacked from my father, is smothered on our boys, I'm sure. I am very hands on with affection, one would most likely say, "I'm a Hugger!". I'm not sure what if any affect this has on those I encounter each day, but when that kid gave me that hat with the card signed by his closest friends ... well, I gotta tell ya, I felt like I must have done something right. It is a very real blessing to know that those who cared enough; could look, through my eyes, at the result of their efforts, in my children. I hope you get it my pretties. I thanked each of them at the beginning. Many, over the years turned a blind eye, a deaf ear to my situation. Many more reached out a hand, offered a warm bed, however temporary, it was a place to lay my head. This is Love, and it doesn't begin or end, quite simply it is, and it spreads ... When those children cared enough to think of me, it was because those who cared before, live on through me. Children are pure, unadulterated, natural in every sense. They smell B.S. a mile back. In me they see all the efforts of those who cared enough to bend and help because it is exactly what I give them, pure, clean and unfettered.

I am most grateful for that, in and of itself, the opportunity to see, through the eyes of a child, the way in which the world sees me. I can only hope that the adult world can see me the same way, if not well ... maybe I am touching a nerve, that's O.K. too ! I'm praying for you ... Love, S.

- I Still Got It ...

- When will I see you again ?

I'm looking at you right now,

I see your perfect face,

blue eyes, that tempting neck line,

your Smile ...

What are you thinking ?

When will I see you again ?

Do you dream of us,

our future,

the boys, Lisa's class load,

or maybe a new nephew ...

When will I see you again?

What will be the moment,

when again I can hold you?

Feeling your hair as it brushes against my cheek,

taste the warmth on the back of your neck against my lips,

to know that you are mine.

When will I see you again?

I think of the moments, shared,

our boys, their friends,

each of those moments; competitive,

these are Your Boys.

When will I see you again?

to hold you, hear you,

share an embrace.

To be the Man you come to when,

open, embracing arms are all you can think of ...

I will wait;

for the moment;

when;

I will see you; again.

Written, 13:05 hrs. 11/25/07

Stacey Gaudette

- Celebrating a New Life ...

- happy Birthday to me !!!

If I've learned anything in Thirty-Nine Years it's this. One can never predict one moment to the next. Just when you think you have things under some sense of control. The rug is definitely coming out from under you! If you think you might have some idea when or how it will happen; then good luck trying to prepare! I thought I had the money thing on the right track, then lay-offs & a bad back caught up with me. I figured I had the sobriety thing well at hand, then my back problem required pain medication! I thought my marriage was damn near infallible, HA ! Let me paint a picture here ...



Dad was the only boy, no brothers, Three older sisters. ((His Father was one of Three Boys...)) I have Four older sisters, no brothers, that's correct. We were both baby brothers! Mom was one of Six sisters, no brothers. My wife, Sara, is one of Three sisters, no brothers. Her Dad, my father in law is smack-dab in the middle of Four sisters. I'm what you might say Drowning in a Sea of Estrogen !!! Sara and I have Three boys. Bottom line, we have no clue what we're doing with three boys, so we are compelled to ask lots of parenting questions to anyone willing to listen! Having noted all of that I can assure you one definite fact, I haven't the first idea what's going on in any woman's head. They are a total mystery to me! Sure, being surrounded by them my whole life I've developed some enviable skills, I can talk with the best of them. I've used this power for good and evil! ((this is not far from the truth)) Trust me when I say that nine out of ten times it has been a survival tactic and not much else. When caught in the head lights of an emotional breakdown, it's great to have a way out. No one wants to face that fire without an extinguisher! Having those verbal, tools has been a blessing to say the least. I found myself, doing a bit of back peddling yesterday in the therapists office. Yes, I've talked my way in, and I've B.S.'d my way back out of many a female "inner sanctum"; yet yesterday, in front of my therapist, ((a man )) I was quite speechless on many topics. It should come as no surprise that this is a rare occasion! If you've been paying attention class, you'll note here that my journey is one of self searching. I am in constant need of more information; for the express purpose of improving. First for my God, Then for Sara, and ultimately to Benefit the Children. In That Order ... I learned some time ago, that where other men are concerned; I long for the accountability I can glean from the relationship. I was asked to participate in a "Men's Group" organized by a Pastor from a local Church. I agreed, and it became a defining moment for me. Not only was I able to share my own experience with this group; I found a very real desire to be accountable to these men. Not unlike a Team Sport Atmosphere, we lived and celebrated our successes and died a little, with each others' failures. I miss it. I did gain two lifelong friends from that group, and still share a great deal of time with at least one of those. This brings me to probably the most significant point of these last ten plus years. While I sat with my new therapist, he congratulated me on the almost eleven years of sobriety I've enjoyed. I have consistently replied, to this the same way. "It wasn't me, I just showed up". He pointed out that I should take some credit, and maybe I should. Now please don't label me Self Deprecating, but there is a valid point to be made here. Do I deserve credit for walking to the meetings? Do I deserve credit for Bumming rides? Maybe it's the fact that I was willing to change, or that I sought out the places and people who could guide me. Sure, I'll take all of that. Here's where the truth lies my pretties ... my desire for a better life was not unlike my desire to get drunk, or my desire to forget about my back pain. I quite simply, wanted something better than what I had. Then; I had a grade ten education and no hope for the future. Now I have better. Now; I have constant discomfort and no ability to shut my head off; while I look for a position to sit, stand or lie in. Take a couple of Percocet, and the discomfort don't matter as much, heck I can even enjoy my wife beating me senseless at a game of Cribbage.

The connection, while difficult for some is quite easy for me, all I need to do is show up, with a willingness to be better, those in my life will provide me all I need to be a better man. If I know that I'm more inclined to be accountable to a man, then I better have strong male role models in my life. If I need to use medication to manage my discomfort, then I better be accountable to those around me. All I need do is to bring the body, those around me, I believe, God provides; to give me the tools I need. These, Deserve the Credit for taking the time out of their lives to show me the correct, healthy way to live mine. I pray I may be of help ... Love, S.

- Bridges, Un-Burned ...

- who really knows if this will ever be read by those it's intended for. I guess the sad part, is that it would be simply pointless to send it directly; as it would certainly be met with prejudgement and scepticism. I've been mired in this endless sieve that is my siblings bitterness and anger. I'd be lying to say that I harbour none of my own, if you've read at all, this should come as no surprise. My bitterness, is directed more at the short sightedness, than any one person. There exists here, so much potential for love and celebration in each others' successes. You should know that as a seven or eight year old boy, I have a vivid memory of being on my mom's lap as her and my father discussed getting back together. We were at this table where you had to slide back into the corner seat, and I remember this awful red and white textured wallpaper. My Mom and Dad agreed to each be responsible for us thus, Dad says, quite matter of fact; "you take those two, and I'll take the other three". This among many other things is burned into my memory. I've been journal ling probably, since the age of twelve, and many of these moments are as fresh as the day they happened. It proved to be a defining moment, in my family history. It set in motion a division that thrives today. The worst part of it all is that the siblings most deeply affected by it, those that still sit entrenched; insisting in it's reality, are the very people that we've worked so diligently to be noticed by. I guess I should point out that My eldest sister and myself are "those two". We were not fortunate enough to be included in Dad's group! I say this not out of bitterness, only to emphasise the wedge created. Trust when I say that this was not unlike growing up with a "Clique" you were not welcome into. So you can see that there continues to be here, a very real sense of "exclusivity" in this family. We were thrust into this division, and have lived here, on the outside ever since. Christmas, will come and go again, and unless there is effort on my part, I will scarcely note it's passing in my siblings lives. I will be lucky to see my mother. On the other hand my in-laws will make every effort to unite their children and grandchildren and No One will go un-noticed or un-appreciated regardless of the situation in their lives. It is through them, that I have learned what a family is, their efforts have taught me what it means to be loved, not for what I could be, but for what I am. I have learned in their family room, at their kitchen table, what it is to be liked, appreciated, and most of all that mistakes are O.K. even expected. Sara's youngest sister married an amazing young man, who posed the most telling question I've yet to answer, he asked; "Didn't anyone take the time to, at least, make sure you turned out o.k. ?" I had to answer, no. When Dad passed away I was 17, I didn't have a stable place to call home till I met Sara, at 24. I blame no one but myself. I couldn't possibly; I am compelled to take responsibility for my own failures & successes, as they define me, and I'll be damned if anyone else takes credit for them. I kinda like myself today! It would have been nice to have a stable face in "the crowd", that was; that time in my life though. We've often wondered ((Sara&I)) what might have been had someone stepped up as a stable, mentoring force in our lives. Suffice to say that we're both pretty happy, only because we've become so fond of each other. I've definitely learned to rely on her, probably far too much, & I think I can say the same for her, relying on me, maybe not enough! I can't emphasize enough; the joy I take in the very real fact that Sara and I have, starved, struggled and survived to get where we are today. We have lived and thrived and accomplished it all together, there are those, Who Know Who They Are, who can rest assured that they have been nothing less than instrumental in the success that is our family. Quite the contrary though, there are those who barely know us, members of our own family who would have to guess at the state of affairs here.No doubt, those who would blame me; knowing full well that my calls, apologies, e-mails have all gone ignored and forgotten. It is these, that I grieve, and The Others That I Am Truly Thankful For ... I Give Thanks this Weekend For All of You, and Sooo Much More ... Love, S.

- The Long Road Home ...

- hey man, when I started this it was because I dreamed of a day when "My Experience, Strength, and Hope" might benefit others. I envisioned a great opportunity, where I might share the hopes, dreams, hurts and roadblocks Sara and I have lived, and see others inspired to move on, and "Join us on the road to happy destiny" ((Borrowed from The Big Book)). I wonder how many have seen the A&E Program, "Intervention". I have not, I fear the emotional roller coaster it would take me on. If you've seen it, please, share your views, I might be inspired to sit down and watch an episode. Although, you should know, I still haven't watched the remake of "King Kong"; I know the ending and really don't want to re-visit that broken heart. I told our boys, they'd have to watch it without me. My point being, that this is the very life long pursuit, I dream of. I have lived the destruction that is Alcoholism & Addiction. As most will lose this fight, and never come back to a second meeting, I feel unbelievably blessed to be the very real miracle; that came and stayed; at the tender age of twenty eight. I've thought of the moment when I could quit my job and make a living off the Internet, "Helping and Benefiting Others". I've played with a number of ideas; putting together a web site that would be a constant source of inspiration for others, providing any and all means of help to those seeking direction. I know the almost futile desperation that this sense of hopelessness buries us under, I know what it is to be completely broken and without even the slightest desire to try. Words like, "Thorough Exhaustion" don't even begin to explain the sense of anguish one can feel when faced with the mountainous task of changing ones life. It is right here where I've seen my self, reaching out to offer even the simplest, glimmer of hope. To those who feel completely betrayed by "God". For those who believe in all that science and the modern world have to offer, and would have others believe that these are the obvious reasons that a " Great Spirit Can't Possibly Exist". I want to meet them in that moment, at that very place; where happiness & joy seem a distant memory, never attainable again. I want to say, "It Worked For Me". I was right where your were, and it worked for me.

This was the first step. Starting this "Blog" was the very first step in making this dream a reality. I'll say it here first. I don't want the riches this world has to offer. I like the house we have now, it took 14 or so years of food banks to get it, I really don't want to give it up now! It ain't much but it's ours! Hey, I won't lie to ya; I guess I'ld like a little lake side property; maybe a cool 50-footer to take Sara and the Kids on a few trips with., You know; really SEE the Great Lakes. But those are dreams about wants, not needs. The Biggest Need I have now is to find happiness, and that lies in reaching out to you. If you've read any of these entries and they've touched you; made you feel a sense of kin-ship, then you know who you are. I found a faith in a "God All My Own". Now some of those money hungry Evangelists might call me blasphemous. I wonder, what we define as "Blasphemy"; a Ten Thousand plus "well paying" congregation, building a multi-million dollar facility for it's pastoral staff to thrive in; or a single man sharing the knowledge that God meets us all on his own terms? Isn't it strange that a group calling themselves "Christians" would have you believe that a peace loving Buddhist is praying in vain. These same "Christians" would argue that a man, loving peace, helping others; committed to the betterment of himself, his family and the community he lives in, is living in vain and wasting his time because he reads the Koran and prays to Allah not Jesus Christ. Trust me that these are just as Radical as the men that flew planes into the Twin Towers. They are not Peace Lovers, they are every bit as "Exclusive" as the cliques of "Cool People" from high school. If you don't buy in, you ain't welcome. Surprise you, that this comes from the "Southern United States?"

Let me pose yet another, interesting scenario ...

If the Almighty God of our Universe, wanted so much to have us Love, Submit, and Pray to Him; if He so desired our Undying Faithfulness, and sought to meet us with our faithfulness and offerings; then why would He create only one path to reach Him. Does it not make sense that this Omnipotent, Omnipresent God of our universe would see how narrow minded our most powerful men are and allow hundreds of thousands of ways to reach him. I know that if you all wanted to make offerings to me I sure as shooting, would accept them from wherever, whenever. I, kinda figure the: All Knowing, All Seeing, All Powerful, Infinite Loving God of the Universe; Desiring only to meet us and soothe our hurts, and show us the freedom of forgiveness, would allow for us to meet him, in whatever way works for us. He kinda knew that even our fingerprints make us unique, our DNA, makes us solely accountable, something as complex as our faithfulness must be provided for.

Who then benefits from a God who is unique to one belief system? Well if you need it spelled out for you, it is without question, Not God, those that benefit from this system, unique to it's teachings and beliefs, right down to the book your expected to study from; are the people whose teachings your submitting to. Your tithe, goes to their paycheck, long before it gets to good works! I would love nothing more than to be able to live off the proceedes of my work, and maybe most of these Pastors, and clergy are of the same belief, I'm not about to tell anyone what or how to believe though, I'll tell you the Truth, as I've found it, we each need to meet God on our own terms, and trust when I say He Is Right There Waiting, To Love and Comfort You! My experience might help you, even guide you but the journey is yours. I'm Praying for You ... Love, S.

- Open Book ?

-let's just say that I know your starving to death! Let's also say that as best friends and life long pals we have, and would continue to share everything! ((this point being beyond reproach)). I've been given a brief glimpse into the future and can help to change your life forever by giving you the "Winning Lottery Numbers". Knowing that I have everything I could ever dream of; save, the knowledge that you, my closest and dearest friend, have been cared for; what should I do?

Please spare me the philosophical B.S. about, "Money Changing a Person". "The Friendship Would Never Last". I'm simply trying to present a scenario, where in, a person with significant knowledge, has the opportunity to provide another with information that may or may not deeply impact ones life. Simply put; If I had a single piece of information that may save you from making the worst decision of your life, or conversely allow you to see a path far better. Am I in debted to you? Must I share this information? Are we otherwise; expected to allow someone we love to try, fail, and make their own mistakes? The argument persists ... You see, my pretties there are so many situations where this becomes a paramount question. A Dear friend is dating a dick, someone who really blows, if ya know what I mean. "The Village Bicycle" for lack of a better term, do you; but in? Maybe it's a female friend, you know the guy she's with keeps his "options open"; yet is leading her to believe otherwise, you can even prove it. Does friendship dictate you inform or mind your P's & Q's ? Someone you deeply care for is Glaringly, Obviously headed down the wrong path with some of the worst people. Do you talk with their parents, a guidance counsellor, or simply confront him/her; then follow up with one or both of the former? There are an endless number we could look at here, yet the dilemma is always the same, and I believe my boys were taught this basic principle in kindergarten, "If someone is on track to hurt themselves or another, we are absolutely obligated to intervene". Anything else is tattling or meddling. I bring this up, and genuinely seek your input people, for one reason. I have had my parenting skills called into question. I'm no saint! Yet Sara and I have sought help and direction from others including Parents, Sisters, Brothers-in-Law, Aunts, Uncles add infinitum. As a couple drowning in a sea of estrogen, I mean we have the first "multiple males" in something like three generations. Girls and daughters back as far as anyone can remember ... We are both convinced we need constant direction with the raising of our boys. We have not expected anyone to raise them for us, and we've not had too many "vacations", but allow me to assure you that with regard to questions, we are not afraid to ask, day or night, 24/7. The phone will ring, and we will seek input, as parental sponges, we require knowledge to move forward. Unfortunately, this also opens us up to criticism. If you've read anything so far you'll be aware that I have a history. With this Knowledge, and my experience in Recovery, am I not indebted to share with my children, the "Winning Lottery Numbers". Anything less would be setting them up for failure. I was blessed, I've been rewarded with a second chance at life. I'm required by sheer conscience, to inform, with love, anything, at anytime, I possibly can. I can only pray that given the information, and every tool I can arm them with, They Will Play Them When The Time Comes. Love, S.

- Whadda Ya Say About Addiction ?

- I guess the one subject I can burn eardrums about would be alcoholism & addiction. I grew up in a household where, our father found sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous, at the age of forty two. He passed away shortly after his ten year anniversary, on the 5'th of December, 1985. The significance of this in my life cannot go without saying; obviously. Although the memories of Dad's drinking are few and fairly unimportant, the attitudes and behaviors I remember of myself are like huge neon signs screaming out a warning. I can tell you about a man named "Blake Morton", who molested me and a number of other boys in Windsor, from the mid seventies through the early eighties, I can also tell you how Mom & Dad swept it under the carpet for fear of an embarrassing family story. I could tell you that Dad was the most distant and un-affectionate parent I knew; how I had friends, whose parents hugged me more in one day than Dad did in a lifetime. I could tell you that being the only boy & the youngest in a family of five ((4 older sisters)); left me with female qualities no boy should ever take to school, however unwittingly. I could spew stories of how mom signed me over to my eldest sister's care two months after Dad passed so she could be free. I could tell you how I was living in the back seat of my Grandfather's car within two years, and not a single member of my family, raised so much as an eyebrow to assure my safety or try to intervene in my life to steer me back on track. I could go on & on about how I landed in a treatment centre by 22 years old, with one child born out of wedlock, a list probably a dozen deep of sexual partners, and an "uncomfortable itch". I'm not bragging, trust me, the way our house was run when Dad was alive; would not condone me losing my virginity out of wedlock at the tender age of 18; let alone bedding a dozen or so different young ladies by the age of 22. The thought of losing this gift of purity to anyone but my wife today weighs heavy even now. I'm blessed to have four beautiful children, but they deserve far better than the beginning I failed to provide. Mom & Dad taught us that, I owe it to them to make this point very clear.

So Yea, I could go on & on, hell let's face it I already have, and am I still a little bitter? Well in my best, dysfunctional, diseased sarcasm, NO I'm Fine! No; I'm not Fine! At 38 ((11/23/68)), I'm manipulative, angry, short tempered, controlling, dealing with the beginnings of a very real; Unhealthy; appreciation for "Oxycodone Hcl/acetaminophen" prescribed for the damaged disc and possible lesion in my low-back. Worry not; I've already reached out to some great people in my life that I can honestly say I've relied on to hold me accountable. I've not made it this long "on my own". I can thank Dad, for the tools, they were laid out for me without me even seeing them. What hurts deeply today is that I've four beautiful, successful, sisters, who barely know the first thing about me. They could answer basic questions about the person, but have no clue with regard to the man. I've been hurtful to them yes. I've also taken full responsibility for my actions each and every time. The most recent incident involved a mean and hurtful e-mail. This was more a "lashing back" than anything else, and the first time in probably twelve plus years that I have deliberately directed any anger their way. Only two of the four can even remotely begin to take any joy in my rehabilitation. These are the only ones who have ever even attempted to take an interest in my life or who I am. I'm barely an afterthought to the other two. They've spent more time trying to argue the point that they have invited my wife and I to various functions than actually picking up a phone to involve themselves in our lives. Let's not forget that "I can pick the phone up too!" That doesn't do me any good when e-mails, apologies, and phone calls all go ignored. Bitter? NO, I'M FINE !

Any Success, I have I share with Friends, Wife, co-Workers ... That's It. I watch my wife share with her Mom & Dad, sisters, brothers-in-law; & I thank God for them. Were it not for these people, ((save two sisters, their husbands & children)); I'd have no family at all. I'm becoming keenly aware that it's unhealthy for me to put all of that need squarely on my wife, and our children. We are closer to my Ex-Girlfriend ((Daughter's Mom)) and her husband than we are to most members of my immediate family; not for lack of trying on our part.

This is the damage, addiction does. It is not just the practice of using, or abusing a given substance or behaviour, it is; without question; the guilt one feels and the eventual vicious circle this creates, the distance created when a family shuns one of it's own. The embarrassment felt on both parts. The hurt feelings, I can allow to heal, others refuse to let go of. It's the anger, Oh Dear God, the anger that burns and festers and destroys individuals from the inside out. (((Refer To Previous Post Here...Love Is A Decision...))) I have never, nor will I begin now, to give up on Love and Relationship. You see friends I have found the secret to forgiveness, I have even forgiven Blake Morton, I've learned forgiveness for many of wrongs done in my life, intentional and otherwise. I've had to accept a rather interesting and fairly simple fact.

"If I have the ability to hurt and wrong others; by way of my illness and Dis-Ease, and am therefore entitled to be forgiven; then how can I hold onto resentment and nurse grudges?" I am worthy of forgiveness no matter the crime, as much as others are entitled, and this acceptance frees me, NO END. Free at Last, Free at Last !!! I desire, no I long for a healthier, happier life for myself first, and in turn I can be better to; and for, those whose lives I touch. This Base Desire/Longing, empowers me to reach as high and far as possible; to remove any and all obstacles that may limit me and thus prevent me from achieving my goals. Our families and loved ones deserve nothing less than our absolute best. A desperate willingness, and the freedom from forgiveness, can combine to allow any change imaginable in any ones life. I pray this freedom for each of you ... Love, S.

- Thank-You ...

- a very serious Thank-You, to all of the men and women who have served their countries so bravely. Know that your valiant and selfless acts, have not gone UN appreciated. I take very seriously the freedoms that we enjoy. This Brings me to an insanely undeniable point. Imagine each and every available voter showed up at the polls !? What would it take to, en-masse, educate every eligible voter of the very power resting in their hands, with the simple stroke of an "X". In the words of the Wicked Witch; "what a world, what a world !" I may be a little "off ", but I seriously fantasize about the power we would collectively have if even 1/4 of the eligible voters who don't bother came out and gave us their voice. Don't believe for a second that Mr. Dalton McGuinty doesn't appreciate their collective absence at the ballot box! That Liberal piece of trash sports his Mandatory Poppy, while his Party's Sense of Entitlement sucks the life out of Provincial Parliament. I'll tell you this, the Generation that has kept them in Power all these years is moving on and in their wake comes a pissed off, sick and tired MASS of "Generation X'ers" and guess what Dalton, we are the first generation that came into a world where High School was a minimum requirement, we're not happy with the way our children are being lost in the educational system! We can read and we're not happy with the way our Global Precedent Setting health care system has been butchered! We have access to more information than any generation yet, hell we're putting it together, we're installing it in your laptops, we're writing the code dude! Wake up! A message, to all Liberals, Provincial, Federal, and those long gone into Hiding! Your not entitled to Squat! Generation X, is older, we've put away our Parachute Pants, but We're holding on to the skinny leather ties cause they're definitely coming back, We're educated and we ain't happy with the Canada our Parents left us. We're happy for the pre-paid funerals, cause it'll give us more time to fix the joke you now call our government. I'd suggest you take your sickeningly large pensions, and move on now. How much do you get for 8 years federal service? what about 8 years provincial service? Just a question. My wife's M.S. Meds weren't covered by anyone, although I'm sure had I been an M.P. or even an M.P.P. she'd be treated like a queen, average factory workers don't qualify for that level of service.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I can think of a lot worse places to be living. It just sickens me to see men and women who get into public service, on a less than sincere promise, with assurances that their constituents will come first, right up until the moment their rear end takes the seat they've won. Than their home riding's become a distant memory, while they vacation on the sunny shores of Cuba. How many weeks off do you people need anyway? Imagine an Ontario, where even 60% or 70%, of the available eligible voters were waiting in line to cast their vote, to speak with the power of their "X" scary eh, Dalton? Then again your pension has you and your family well taken care of doesn't it? You made sure to garner support for some friends to eh? Isn't the freedom, to vote our conscious, speak our mind, worship who we want to, and Seek out our own opinions and beliefs exactly what you Brave, Selfless Men And Women Sacrificed for in the first place? I will never take your gift Lightly, I'm sorry your government doesn't support you more sincerely, hey wait a minute, didn't they wear their poppies? Love, S.

- Written June 11'th / 1997

- Sara -

A wife,

A Friend,

A lover & confidant.

She has touched my heart,

And my soul

Inspired me.

If, by the grace of God,

I aspire,

I will thank her.

Touch her hand,

Caress her cheek, and down,

To her neck.

I will kiss her there,

Where her skin is so soft,

Smell her,

Breathe in ner sweetness.

I will say,

Thank-you,

I Love You,

Sara

Stacey Gaudette; 06/11/1997

- Love is a decision ...

- so, if everything I heard last night is true, and an absolute matter of fact, than the last fourteen plus years of my life have been whittled down to three basic facts, 1- outside pressure and influence, 2- no one person has the ability to see past the surface and therefore all people must be as shallow as the rain puddle in my laneway, and 3'rd- fear of the unknown must control each aspect of our existence, and no one person possesses the ability to overcome adversity in their lives. If this is where it turns for me people then I say, God Help Us All !!!

- You see, some many years ago I learned a rather unknown, yet basic and undeniable truth. Love; my friends, is a decision, we must make each and every day. Anything less is walking away, throwing in the proverbial towel, quitting and just plain giving up. It means we quit on those that have meant the most to us, we walk out on those that have been willing to carry us while we are down, we make the conscious decision to give up on the very people who would otherwise be willing to see us through each and every painful moment of our lives. Love and relationship is not the disposable, throwaway thing that Vegas would have us believe, no let me direct you thus. If this is the day that I finally say, hello single world, than it will be at someone else's hand. I Do Not Quit On Those I Love. This bitter, angry, manipulative, diseased and yes Recovered; Alcoholic, is; and can be; guilty of so many, many things in this lifetime but He will never be guilty of walking out on love and relationship. There have and will continue to be "Ed's" and "Your girlfriends" in all of our lives. Yet I know this of myself and hope & pray this for each of you. My Door Is Always Open. I've yet to quit on any relationship. Remember that cute little cartoon form our youth ... "Love Is..."? It really is friends, It does not end, it does not begin, it does not conquer or dominate, it does not scream or yell, it does not berate or belittle it may be a decision we need to "re'commit" to every now and again but know this; of all things we encounter each and every day, for all the dollars made, all of the accounts closed and balanced, for all the scores settled, when you walk out of the bathroom this morning, or maybe after you've brushed your teeth tonight, and you've gone ahead and stunk that bathroom up as bad as you ever imagined. It's suddenly become obvious to you that maybe your not feeling as well as you've lied yourself into believing ... your teeth are clean, but the stench coming out of that bathroom tells you, your insides are anything but, if you can't stumble over to the couch and fall into the arms of someone who understands and will Never, Ever judge you ... well you make that decision. I'll be here on the couch, with my arms wide, and painfully empty, waiting, no ... Longing, to hold you ... Love, S.