- who really knows if this will ever be read by those it's intended for. I guess the sad part, is that it would be simply pointless to send it directly; as it would certainly be met with prejudgement and scepticism. I've been mired in this endless sieve that is my siblings bitterness and anger. I'd be lying to say that I harbour none of my own, if you've read at all, this should come as no surprise. My bitterness, is directed more at the short sightedness, than any one person. There exists here, so much potential for love and celebration in each others' successes. You should know that as a seven or eight year old boy, I have a vivid memory of being on my mom's lap as her and my father discussed getting back together. We were at this table where you had to slide back into the corner seat, and I remember this awful red and white textured wallpaper. My Mom and Dad agreed to each be responsible for us thus, Dad says, quite matter of fact; "you take those two, and I'll take the other three". This among many other things is burned into my memory. I've been journal ling probably, since the age of twelve, and many of these moments are as fresh as the day they happened. It proved to be a defining moment, in my family history. It set in motion a division that thrives today. The worst part of it all is that the siblings most deeply affected by it, those that still sit entrenched; insisting in it's reality, are the very people that we've worked so diligently to be noticed by. I guess I should point out that My eldest sister and myself are "those two". We were not fortunate enough to be included in Dad's group! I say this not out of bitterness, only to emphasise the wedge created. Trust when I say that this was not unlike growing up with a "Clique" you were not welcome into. So you can see that there continues to be here, a very real sense of "exclusivity" in this family. We were thrust into this division, and have lived here, on the outside ever since. Christmas, will come and go again, and unless there is effort on my part, I will scarcely note it's passing in my siblings lives. I will be lucky to see my mother. On the other hand my in-laws will make every effort to unite their children and grandchildren and No One will go un-noticed or un-appreciated regardless of the situation in their lives. It is through them, that I have learned what a family is, their efforts have taught me what it means to be loved, not for what I could be, but for what I am. I have learned in their family room, at their kitchen table, what it is to be liked, appreciated, and most of all that mistakes are O.K. even expected. Sara's youngest sister married an amazing young man, who posed the most telling question I've yet to answer, he asked; "Didn't anyone take the time to, at least, make sure you turned out o.k. ?" I had to answer, no. When Dad passed away I was 17, I didn't have a stable place to call home till I met Sara, at 24. I blame no one but myself. I couldn't possibly; I am compelled to take responsibility for my own failures & successes, as they define me, and I'll be damned if anyone else takes credit for them. I kinda like myself today! It would have been nice to have a stable face in "the crowd", that was; that time in my life though. We've often wondered ((Sara&I)) what might have been had someone stepped up as a stable, mentoring force in our lives. Suffice to say that we're both pretty happy, only because we've become so fond of each other. I've definitely learned to rely on her, probably far too much, & I think I can say the same for her, relying on me, maybe not enough! I can't emphasize enough; the joy I take in the very real fact that Sara and I have, starved, struggled and survived to get where we are today. We have lived and thrived and accomplished it all together, there are those, Who Know Who They Are, who can rest assured that they have been nothing less than instrumental in the success that is our family. Quite the contrary though, there are those who barely know us, members of our own family who would have to guess at the state of affairs here.No doubt, those who would blame me; knowing full well that my calls, apologies, e-mails have all gone ignored and forgotten. It is these, that I grieve, and The Others That I Am Truly Thankful For ... I Give Thanks this Weekend For All of You, and Sooo Much More ... Love, S.
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