So, today I’m feeling like O.K.! We’ve remembered, we’ve mourned, and we’ve paused & given some of our time to those yesterdays; that can be, oh so, hard to let go of.
Now, what did we talk about in those yesterdays? Seems to me we talked about putting a period at the end of the sentence. We said things like, “leave the past in the past”; & yes this is certainly a wound that will not heal over night. Yet, today we have the gift of each other, & we’d all agree that our mother fought very hard, for far too long, to assure us that gift.
I remember much of my growing up. We were that family; the one the other aunts & uncles felt bad about, or felt sorry for. Daddy was (shhh) going to meetings, & Mommy (shhhh) had to work. While some laughed, celebrated & struggled right along with us, there were always the looks, and that palpable pity that waited for us with every hug on the obligatory holiday visit. & yeah; it sucked! & yeah; I often felt like smacking someone, anyone, in the mouth! but, we hugged & kissed. & some of us even missed the toilet on purpose! (sorry about your floor, see ya next Christmas) & guess what!? Those days are gone now, & we’ve put a period on that sentence.
Have we had our struggles? Um … Hello!? Are We Human!? Of course we have, & we’ve failed to call & sort it out, or held a grudge, & wasted time. We’ve gotten caught up in our own pain & grief and forgot how good it feels to be present for each other. We’ve lost sight of the genuine joy & reward in sitting together & being a family, In celebrating each other’s victories & comforting each other during times to difficult to mention. We’ve made those mistakes, & we’ve learned not to make those mistakes again! After all, like so many others, we to, are frail, & imperfect. What I believe the difference to be: is this, we have no fear in showing ourselves for who we are. We have nothing to hide. With us, there is no precious porcelain façade to protect, from atop our ivory tower. We’ve endured a lifetime, mired in the waste & the muck, & have learned, with calloused hands & hearts; the valuable lessons. We know first hand that money will never purchase what we enjoy so freely.
I guess my lack of faith gives me a real fear of jinxing us with this but; honestly I’d like to point this out. We have no divorce, no estrangement, and no major drug or alcohol problems. We openly struggle, & then fall back on each other. It’s the truth. The poor Gaudette family, so hard done by; strapped with poor Reggie’s health issues. Yeah, ya know what!? With two fists, pumped straight up we get to scream “we win”, mom & dad stuck! & they enjoyed the years they had. I remember dad’s back yard landscaping, enjoying grandkids on his deck, or his new car, their trip to the Thousand Islands; & what about their 5 children, or 13 grandchildren?
We’ve turned out great! We each have solid marriages, and we’ve educated our children (yes Maya, far more educated then her Uncle Stacey!), sure we’ve had our moments, as every marriage, & every family does. Yet where do we find ourselves today? United, together, better & far stronger then ever before. What an amazing success our parents celebrate! Think of it, you see in recovery substances cease to be a problem as we freely choose to “live the solution”; and that is what we’ve each chosen to do. We live the positive solutions our parents offered us. We certainly shy away from publicly displaying our grief, as it is ours after all, & I will selfishly protect those dear intimate things. There are those of us that have invested in each other. We have put in the tears, the heartache, the celebrations, and the time; and with those people, I choose to share my most intimate moments. These are not for public display, nor will they ever be.
It’s valuable to make time for remembrance. It is also deeply important to know when to dry our eyes, circle the wagons, & move forward. <--(see period here)
Love; S.
