- It's a very different place I find myself in today. So blessed to have amazing friends, with one even doing the "Seinfeld-esque", "Pop-In", On Wednesday. Another made sure Jack had a very positive field trip, even if the professionals providing chaperons weren't as inclined. I attended an appointment yesterday that I may have avoided in years past. I found myself so happy I that I went. It was an opportunity to see some things through the eyes of a totally impartial person, and this type of input I value, deeply. I also gained some new insight, & new approaches to old techniques.
- I wish there were more answers, more direction, I wish I had some sort of certainty going forward, but there is none.
- I'm left to wonder, is this what it is to be a child of God? My father did the best could, with the knowledge, tools, & opportunities he was provided, I'm sure. Given the chance I'm certain there are things he may very well, have done differently; as much as I would change so many things for my own children. Yet with my own knowledge, tools, & opportunities; limited as they are, many times my own hands are tied; this is what it is to be a parent. It seems God really doesn't feel this same way toward us, does He? "Given The Chance"? Well good grief, if God doesn't have the chance, then who does? If I'm to believe all that I'm taught, then God can effect miracles in our lives, & yet, it would seem that he chooses not to. Even in the lives of so many deserving, faithful people. I guess "given the chance", we're on our own.
- You may think, I'm a little pissed, & you'd be right, but wait cause I'm not sure who I'm pissed at; although I know it's not really God. We have free will, and to an extent our free will, our decision making, affects those around us, yet at some point we need to stop placing blame, accept our circumstances for what they are, it's then, at this point that we can affect change in our own lives.Certainly my father's decision making, his in-decision, affected me, my mother, & all 4 of my sisters. Now where do I draw the line? Where to I take on the responsibility for my own decision making? I believe that moment is unique to us all. I don't know the date, but I know where I was when it began for me. Why it went wrong is just as clear to me. I can, & have picked apart every moment, every nuance, & effectively, efficiently placed copious amounts of blame. I won't anymore. Truthfully, look into your own life, place blame, point fingers, ... now what? To what end? Once they've all been sufficiently punished, to your own satisfaction, you still have to shut your head off to sleep at night, & when you can't do that, again, I'll ask ... to what end?
- I know for a fact that I was making powerful, important decisions, that greatly affected the course of my life, & the lives of those around me; at a very young, tender age. I had complete freedom to do this as well. I was even encouraged to do so in many cases. I make this point only to note that, at least for me, at this time in my life, I was far too young; 12, 13, 14yrs. old. I was left to decide if I would smoke, if I would live at home, or stay in a reformatory, what school I would attend; I was choosing to stay out all night at sleepovers, or to come home. These and many other decisions were left completely up to me. I was far too young physically and emotionally, & this is this is the place where it all goes wrong. I had no appreciation, no real comprehension for the power of choice. Really, what 13yr. old would?
- This is real power, choice. This is the freedom God graces us with, it ultimately defines our relationship with him. It's is the single biggest power we possess, to choose our own way, to define our own destiny, & I as a very young boy couldn't possibly understand the depth of that until I was much older. Today, as a father I impress this upon my children every moment I can. As a husband I look to share this with Sara daily. I have found more freedom in recent years then I ever imagined possible, yet I find myself bound by the world in which I live.
- So there you have it, the very "different" place I find myself in. Who am I pissed off at? Well, to be sure the list is "long & distinguished". The government that keeps me under it's thumb, the union that keeps my mailbox empty, the entire system that infuriates me; or maybe just myself for allowing it all to affect me ...
you be the judge, I'm trying to get free }:)
- be good all, ... Love, S.
