- happy Birthday to me !!!
If I've learned anything in Thirty-Nine Years it's this. One can never predict one moment to the next. Just when you think you have things under some sense of control. The rug is definitely coming out from under you! If you think you might have some idea when or how it will happen; then good luck trying to prepare! I thought I had the money thing on the right track, then lay-offs & a bad back caught up with me. I figured I had the sobriety thing well at hand, then my back problem required pain medication! I thought my marriage was damn near infallible, HA ! Let me paint a picture here ...
Dad was the only boy, no brothers, Three older sisters. ((His Father was one of Three Boys...)) I have Four older sisters, no brothers, that's correct. We were both baby brothers! Mom was one of Six sisters, no brothers. My wife, Sara, is one of Three sisters, no brothers. Her Dad, my father in law is smack-dab in the middle of Four sisters. I'm what you might say Drowning in a Sea of Estrogen !!! Sara and I have Three boys. Bottom line, we have no clue what we're doing with three boys, so we are compelled to ask lots of parenting questions to anyone willing to listen! Having noted all of that I can assure you one definite fact, I haven't the first idea what's going on in any woman's head. They are a total mystery to me! Sure, being surrounded by them my whole life I've developed some enviable skills, I can talk with the best of them. I've used this power for good and evil! ((this is not far from the truth)) Trust me when I say that nine out of ten times it has been a survival tactic and not much else. When caught in the head lights of an emotional breakdown, it's great to have a way out. No one wants to face that fire without an extinguisher! Having those verbal, tools has been a blessing to say the least. I found myself, doing a bit of back peddling yesterday in the therapists office. Yes, I've talked my way in, and I've B.S.'d my way back out of many a female "inner sanctum"; yet yesterday, in front of my therapist, ((a man )) I was quite speechless on many topics. It should come as no surprise that this is a rare occasion! If you've been paying attention class, you'll note here that my journey is one of self searching. I am in constant need of more information; for the express purpose of improving. First for my God, Then for Sara, and ultimately to Benefit the Children. In That Order ... I learned some time ago, that where other men are concerned; I long for the accountability I can glean from the relationship. I was asked to participate in a "Men's Group" organized by a Pastor from a local Church. I agreed, and it became a defining moment for me. Not only was I able to share my own experience with this group; I found a very real desire to be accountable to these men. Not unlike a Team Sport Atmosphere, we lived and celebrated our successes and died a little, with each others' failures. I miss it. I did gain two lifelong friends from that group, and still share a great deal of time with at least one of those. This brings me to probably the most significant point of these last ten plus years. While I sat with my new therapist, he congratulated me on the almost eleven years of sobriety I've enjoyed. I have consistently replied, to this the same way. "It wasn't me, I just showed up". He pointed out that I should take some credit, and maybe I should. Now please don't label me Self Deprecating, but there is a valid point to be made here. Do I deserve credit for walking to the meetings? Do I deserve credit for Bumming rides? Maybe it's the fact that I was willing to change, or that I sought out the places and people who could guide me. Sure, I'll take all of that. Here's where the truth lies my pretties ... my desire for a better life was not unlike my desire to get drunk, or my desire to forget about my back pain. I quite simply, wanted something better than what I had. Then; I had a grade ten education and no hope for the future. Now I have better. Now; I have constant discomfort and no ability to shut my head off; while I look for a position to sit, stand or lie in. Take a couple of Percocet, and the discomfort don't matter as much, heck I can even enjoy my wife beating me senseless at a game of Cribbage.
The connection, while difficult for some is quite easy for me, all I need to do is show up, with a willingness to be better, those in my life will provide me all I need to be a better man. If I know that I'm more inclined to be accountable to a man, then I better have strong male role models in my life. If I need to use medication to manage my discomfort, then I better be accountable to those around me. All I need do is to bring the body, those around me, I believe, God provides; to give me the tools I need. These, Deserve the Credit for taking the time out of their lives to show me the correct, healthy way to live mine. I pray I may be of help ... Love, S.
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