I Choose Confrontation

My niece wrote a cute, lighthearted FB status yesterday & posed the question: "Why are people so good at making me want to open hand slap them"? We've all been there; am I right? You find yourself in that moment where someone sends you; momentarily, right to the edge. Well her mother and I responded to her post, w/ what were meant as humorous quips yet it quickly became a thread w/ references regarding violence & non-violence.

Let's be clear: a football player blows through an Offensive Line and devastates a running back; that’s violent, to anyone who’s witnessed it and understands what they’ve just seen.  A base runner, runs straight for the baseman with every intention of running that player over, & taking them off the base fully aware of the body check that’s coming; this is a violent act. A hockey player takes a deliberate run at an opponent that has their back turned & their head down; clean check or not, to run at a defenceless opponent is a deliberately violent act. These acts can be defined as athletic in nature, but to the men and women committing them, the violence involved is obvious and very much: a “part of the game”, necessary to compete. The basketball player that clips an opponent at the thigh; just as they’re going up for a layup is usually; fully aware, that 2 points or not, someone is coming down hard. High level athletes understand that violence; and I mean “real violence”, is all part of the game. These are not necessarily professionals either; they can be the regular people that you meet every day.

The aunt & uncle that play softball every weekend, a dad who plays on every hockey team available, the cousin that looks kind of puny, but played 5yrs. as a high level DB., or the buddy that gets to the Y for every pickup basketball game he can; you can see them how you choose to, but know this, they all have a solid understanding of what “real violence” is. We can debate athletic competition all day long, but these are the people who would be willing to “suit up” and offer a practical demonstration. Here lies the crux of the debate, and you see it in every game. Every team has them, some are worse than others; they’re the whiners, those cheap shot artists that never stick around to back it up. In life they are the un-educated w/ opinions on every subject, the co-worker who’s never done your job but will happily show you how to do it better.

Consider this: My response to my niece’s post follows:

(Uncle Stacey) “I get it; some people's big mouths need to get smacked shut, some talk shit then turtle or run in the house & hide, & sometimes it’s just better to not have to deal w/ a criminal charge” }:)

You see, I’ve been there, more than once. As a matter of fact I am living w/ social anxiety today that directly relates to many of these experiences from my past. We encounter these people; sometimes every day. Sometimes we live w/ them and many times they can be right there in our own family. Any high level athlete will tell you; that in a game, there are three ways to deal with these people: sometimes a smack in the mouth can teach a valuable lesson, quite often, they can be counted on to run their mouth and immediately turtle or run and hide; and sometimes it’s just not worth taking the penalty. Truth be told, day to day life isn’t much different, sometimes losing your job or the criminal charge is totally worth it …

Today’s world hosts a myriad of skewed views and opinions. Too often, this commentary comes from those that can barely comprehend the difference between text & tone, let alone the subtleties of wholesome debate. At a point in history when a gamer nerd can fire missiles from a drone as he sits in a shipping container half a planet away, it becomes difficult to discuss violence. Sadly we live in a world where some of those opinionated bleeding hearts are defending the rights of murderers and pedophiles. Again, it becomes difficult to discuss violence when the realities of our humanity begin to seep in; but we must maintain perspective.

We each experience these things on our own terms. We learn to deal with these people on the fly, and bury our natural, instinctual fight or flight response. There are those that live in perpetual fear of violence, they shrink from every confrontation & avoid every encounter. It is likely that these people will never see the inside of a locker room, and will never experience the euphoria of a team win, let alone a championship. One can spend an entire afternoon sharing feelings and emotion; add infinitum, but if you’re talking to someone who’ll never make the time to listen to you then what? When your son or daughter is getting bullied in a school yard, are they expected to express their fear and trepidation to the school’s #1 asshole? In that moment that bully stands to learn a valuable lesson, and an empowered son or daughter may be the one to teach it.

Rest assured:

Some of us have never had a problem being the instructor …

There is a distinct difference between abhorring violence and being afraid of confrontation. It’s sad to think that people have spent a lifetime having never stood up to their bullies, but it’s true.

Let’s Consider My Sister’s Response to Her Daughter’s Post:

“- is it discipline or abuse”!!!

When a parent tells their child: “this hurts me more than it hurts you”, in the proper setting, this is very true. The momentary smacks on my children’s fanny affect me to this day. This discipline was necessary and effective. It served a purpose and at the end of the day, was a hurt that I took upon myself for the express purpose of educating and disciplining our children. When you’ve witnessed a sibling being violently attacked, with a white belt, in an uncontrolled fit of rage, you understand the difference between discipline and abuse.

Sara once said “If you want to get to know someone, get to know their children”. This one statement has gone on to become a thought that we come back to time, & time again. By some people’s standards my children come from a “violent” home, we are a “violent family”, and our children “enjoy violent pass times”.

I would say, get to know my children …

Love; S.

(compiled from drafts: June 6, August 6, September 7 / 2013)