While
I certainly want you to believe in a message of change, that all things are
possible; I don't want you to ever accept that this requires you to be a
perpetual scapegoat.
A
large part of my own story has been a deep and personal acceptance of my
portion, my contribution to the problem if you will. As many were un-willing,
or unable to accept my amends, it ultimately became paramount for me to connect
with this desire, this willingness to accept my wrongs and develop an
inclination to own them; especially if I were to ever find personal freedom
from these acts. This noted I've learned that we must remain vigilant against
the imposition of others who are reluctant, or incapable of allowing us the
freedom from our past. There are those who will claim much, yet remain blind to
the new person we've become.
I
myself stopped being a 17yr. old, when I turned 18yrs. I stopped being a 43yr.
old husband & father the day I turned 44yrs. Unfortunately many can’t
(or choose not to) ever see these stages, and the growth that accompanies each.
To
be sure, I've committed my share of crimes; my "sins" are many. I
stole, used and sold medications from my father. I stole money from my sisters
and stole money from my mother's Al-anon group's treasury purse, on a regular
basis. I was always poking through drawers & closets when I was home
alone. Violence and breaking the law became very much commonplace. I stole from
friends and their parents; the whole time being welcomed back for dinner and a
visit, usually the very next day.
I
was a skilled liar & a gifted manipulator. I still catch myself, even
today, having to correct conversations mid-course, as the desire to exaggerate
& manipulate is ever present it seems. I entered my 1'st stint in
Brentwood Recovery in my 20's having had some 13 different partners, 2 children
out of wedlock and a heavily abused body. It sickens me to admit this to you
and yet what's worse is that it barely conveys the entirety of it all. “Tip of
the ice berg” says little …
All
this and much more are mine to own. It is my belief that I am perpetually
capable of error, and as such I will need to continually be on the lookout for
those lessons, I’ve yet to learn. These have the potential to be minor
epiphanies and believe me when I tell you that I guard these opportunities
passionately. I embrace my ignorance and as a result I seek opportunities to
learn & improve constantly.
So
What!?
What
am I driving at?
As
I grew up I was in constant reminder that I needed to toughen up, I needed to
stop being so weepy & soft, I needed to "get over it", I
needed to "let it go already”. After my father died, the dialogue changed
little, but was more guided toward a young man, as one might expect. Only now
it came from those grown up & married members of my family. Siblings to
be sure, but cousins, aunts, uncles, each made time to add to the
conversation...
It
was hard to hear this constant reminder, especially as my deepest longing was
for a place to call home & stability; but the words had to be enough as
they were often all I had: “time to grow up", "no one wants to hear
it Stacey, get over it, and let it go". I wished to be heard, just for an
ear. Enter Sara, someone would listen, & she did. Eventually though, I
needed to find others who could provide guidance as I sought to take
responsibility for my portion. I needed to learn the correct direction for
these conversations with those better prepared to accommodate me. Driven for
change, I did and these friends were the architects and laborers of a new me.
Get
to the point, right!?
What's
it all about Stacey?
Well
it may be the long way 'round but I really hope you follow, because it’s an
important lesson & a major key to our personal freedom. What I hope to
share is that, I've experienced all of this and more. My goal would be to share
these experiences, the lessons learned and maybe you could then avoid these
things altogether. You see, I still hear these “loving reminders” today; at
44yrs. old. “Be a grown up”, "Get over it Stacey let it go",
"Time to act your age". The part where Sara & I shake our
heads? They don’t even pause to consider that I have. I am over it, I did grow
up and let go of it all. Truthfully, I've let go of far too much, far too
easily at times and lost very little sleep in the process. Oh, I certainly made
notes in the margin. Trust me, there is no way I ever want to see that guy in
the mirror again, yet what we learn is that while some claim to be capable of
forgiveness, many are all too comfortable leaving us convicted and pigeon
holed. Ruts are comfortable places.
No
matter what I've accomplished, no matter the distance between me &
those mistakes I've made; all the positive deeds imaginable can never erase:
"Grow up & get over it Stacey", for some. To them, I have
nothing to offer, I'm white noise, droning on and on. When the slide show stops
at Stacey and the one person watching's knee jerk reaction is “Time to Grow Up,
No One Wants to Hear it Stacey” how can that white noise ever be worthy of real
attention and respect? This person has refused the meal before tasting the
dish. Their mind is made up before they sit down at the table. Judged, w/out a
jury & sentenced to life. One may begin to think I'm bitter and of course,
I’ve been there. I'd be lying to say there wasn't a time when I was. I was
deeply hurt for years, but in truth, today I'm just sad because I know me. I
know what they're missing, I know the articulate speaker within, the deeply
thoughtful husband, father, brother and friend. The loving, gentle and genuine
man I've become. They miss out on me, an available ear, and a gentle heart,
capable of so very much love.
This
is my hope for you, today and everyday & you deserve it. It is freedom
from judgement, freedom from resentment and anger. This is freedom to love
yourself & by extension, to love those closest to you more deeply
& more perfectly. When you've put a lifetime between yourself &
your sin, when you've spent a lifetime shedding labels, it is no longer your
crime if those that claim to love you the most continue to see you w/ a slanted
eye. When the words they speak fail to match the label they impose through
clouded glasses, you mustn't stumble. This isn't your garbage to carry; it
belongs on someone else’s boulevard. Stand firm, refuse to bend.
Today,
I no longer need to grow up, as I am glaringly aware that I was required to
grow up much sooner then I should have. I've done enough. I deserve as much
respect, kindness and consideration as I give, and most days I give far more
then I should! I deserve people in my life that will fight for me &
demand these things on my behalf. There comes a moment when we should no longer
be expected to offer the right of way. When those aware of whom & what
we are, will step in front and do the pushing back for us. We all deserve
people like this in our lives, we all deserve moments like this. My accomplishments
should account for something; to more people than just me alone. When we change
and grow we require support from loved ones. Support can often mean that, on
our behalf, they would naturally, willingly acknowledge those accomplishments
to others that fail to see them.
I
learned this from a man that had only 10yrs. sobriety.
He
spoke it to others around those closed tables, who then sought me out, in order
to share it with me …
"You'll
always be that same whiny baby boy, to someone", he would say, “and it’s
ultimately their loss. Stick w/ those persons that would make it their business
to remind others; that you’re a new man; after all these are the people that
deserve the new you".
I
never got to hear him speak those words myself, but some of his closest friends
went out of their way to remind me of this gem a number of times and 16yrs. on
it's a very personal piece of the puzzle for me. This is the very first time
I've ever shared this; outside of a small group that have been my biggest supporters,
but today it just feels right. This idea has defined much of my own personal
journey and allowed me to find those that will encourage me the most. We
deserve to be a priority to someone, find those that will make room for you, to
be theirs.
You
Are Amazing & Deserve Perfect Love
Love;
S.
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