I can remember being in my 20's. It was a difficult time. Having lost my father at 17, I was a very "un" guided young man. The one constant, (painful as they were), were those people that refused to spare my, "perpetually fragile" feelings, in lieu of truth. While I spent what now feels like a lifetime with skin thinner then a next top model contestant, there were those that never hesitated to hit me with truth. When I acted out, crossed a line, hurt feelings or behaved in a manner otherwise unacceptable I was corrected, my feelings be damned. Without the benefit of parents, I still had people who cared enough to tell me, to my face that I was a shitty person, w/ the ability to be better. In short, they believed in my ability to change, and at 28, I did. Today, I realize that this job, given to parents, is a tough, yet necessary one. It sucks to tell my child that he needs to shut his mouth, that he's being a disrespectful ass, or that his behavior is unacceptable, but I do it, I am his father not his friend. If I want better for my children then, I need to take these opportunities seriously, and tell them, to their face what it is to be respectful, especially of those we love the most. Whether they are 10, 20 or 40, they will always look to me and find accountability. This gift & the people that have provided it for me are the most precious gifts I've ever received.
Today, I am a good and decent man. I am alcohol Free, cigarette Free, drug Free, medication Free & finally caffeine (coffee) Free! I do not pressure my children; contrarily I've endeavored to raise open minded, articulate and educated Free Thinkers, schooled in all things; with a driven desire to learn and challenge any and all convention. I am not a delicate flower; contrarily I welcome any who would consider me otherwise. I (we) have not brainwashed my (our) children; as a matter of fact they would be the first to advise you of this fact, & trust when I note that you may not like the way they, themselves apprise you thus. I am open, caring, welcoming, nurturing and loving; oh to be sure, to know me is to feel love. I honestly feel sadness for those who have never experienced the depth, of the love I have available. I also have little or no internal dialogue. This means that when you say hurtful things, that are questionable in their truth, I will not hesitate to tell you that your words are not welcome.
I'm left here to wonder how many relationships must be destroyed, how much hurt must be caused before damage becomes irreparable. I know in my case I was forced to look at the damage I had done, & lucky enough that those around me cared enough to believe in the change I was capable of. Very few find themselves as lucky, it is rare indeed.
I've held one quality most dear; and if there is any pressure at all, that I place upon the young men that carry my father's name, it is the attribute of "integrity". To be truthful & upright, to be the same yesterday, today & tomorrow. For me this quality, this attribute is the most prized above all. It is for me, to be one person to my wife, to my children, my friends, family and any, whose paths I may be blessed to cross.It is a very rare quality, in short order today. It is a blessing given to me by those in my life not afraid to hurt my feelings, & one that I share with those I love the most today. This I hope for you ...
(Compiled From Drafts: April 5'th & 16'th / 2013)
Love; S.
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